Hi my husband was officially diagnosed at 59 in July 2019, although he has been displaying symptoms for about 7 years and it took doctors 3.5 years to diagnose him dispite me constantly telling them about his symptoms. He has progressively got worse since being diagnosed and all though he is still fully self sufficient in the washing and dressing department he cant do much of anything else that requires the very basic cognitive skills. I know he must be so frustrated as he was always able to turn his hand to just about anything. Now I cant even have a normal conversation with him without him either taking the micky out of anything I say or snapping my head off because he has taken offence to what I have said. It's like he blames me for what has happened to him, even though he says he doesn't. We have gone from being sole mates who could talk about anything and did everything together to practically strangers. Having worked for a mental health trust, I thought I was across what was likely to happen with him but I wasn't ready for this. It's like he is the only one that matters and has no regard to my feelings or what I am going through at all.
Is this normal?
- Thread starter PetAng59
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hello @Mbss3577
a warm welcome to DTP
sadly what you describe is all too typical .... unfortunately dementia seems to take away the potential for empathy and leaves the person in their world, the centre of their world and unable to see any other point of view ... and that is tough on a spouse who is used to sharing feelings and everything
it's also pretty usual for the person to be most awkward and even nasty with the one closest to them ... they feel something isn't right but aren't able to reason that it may something about themselves so project out and blame someone else/something else ... after all if nothing is wrong with them and they aren't wrong then you must be
and it's so different when this is personal to you and your husband, not about work
I'm glad you found us here as there are lots of members to offer support and helpful suggestions and insight ... so keep posting with whatever is on your mind
this is the compassionate communication thread
Recommended thread - Compassionate Communication with the Memory Impaired | Dementia Talking Point (alzheimers.org.uk)
a warm welcome to DTP
sadly what you describe is all too typical .... unfortunately dementia seems to take away the potential for empathy and leaves the person in their world, the centre of their world and unable to see any other point of view ... and that is tough on a spouse who is used to sharing feelings and everything
it's also pretty usual for the person to be most awkward and even nasty with the one closest to them ... they feel something isn't right but aren't able to reason that it may something about themselves so project out and blame someone else/something else ... after all if nothing is wrong with them and they aren't wrong then you must be
and it's so different when this is personal to you and your husband, not about work
I'm glad you found us here as there are lots of members to offer support and helpful suggestions and insight ... so keep posting with whatever is on your mind
this is the compassionate communication thread
Recommended thread - Compassionate Communication with the Memory Impaired | Dementia Talking Point (alzheimers.org.uk)
Hallo @Mbss3577 and welcome to Dementia Talking Point
Yes, Im afraid that this is quite normal.
Many, many people with dementia lose the insight to understand what is wrong with them and do not believe that they have changed at all. Nevertheless, they are aware, that Something is wrong, although they do not realise that this Something is actually them, so they blame everything and everyone around them. Their main carer is the one who comes in for the most vitriol, Im afraid, because they are the one who is always around and if its not him, then it must be you!
Empathy is also an early loss. He is unable to see anything from anybody else viewpoint at all and as his world narrows and narrows, all he can see is his own needs, desires and comforts. The idea that you have needs too, is beyond him.
Im afraid that I have had to step back emotionally for OH and now I expect nothing from him, so that if he does do something, or show some concern for me I take that as a bonus.
Yes, Im afraid that this is quite normal.
Many, many people with dementia lose the insight to understand what is wrong with them and do not believe that they have changed at all. Nevertheless, they are aware, that Something is wrong, although they do not realise that this Something is actually them, so they blame everything and everyone around them. Their main carer is the one who comes in for the most vitriol, Im afraid, because they are the one who is always around and if its not him, then it must be you!
Empathy is also an early loss. He is unable to see anything from anybody else viewpoint at all and as his world narrows and narrows, all he can see is his own needs, desires and comforts. The idea that you have needs too, is beyond him.
Im afraid that I have had to step back emotionally for OH and now I expect nothing from him, so that if he does do something, or show some concern for me I take that as a bonus.
