1. Desperatedan

    Desperatedan Registered User

    Jun 26, 2018
    17
    My mum has dementia she is 88 in June last year she fell and broke her hip. While in hospital she was an absolute pain to everyone including the nurses and doctors demanding she have her morphine dead on time, she didnt care that there were other patients waiting too! She was screaming out at night for sleeping pills getting doctors called up to the ward etc. We had to cook for her twice a day and take it up the hospital, as she would not eat their food, luckily we live a very short distance away, which made it possible. Anyway two weeks in hospital, she came home. She has always been demanding and challenging, but since being diagnosed with Alzheimer's it has got so much worse, she is occupying 99%of our time! Violence is now getting worse with her throwing things at us and hitting us with objects etc. Police and ambulance have been called once and then dementia nurses etc got involved in her care. Odviously we argue between us and things are so difficult as she WO t except she has dementia (she says I have dementia coming) she insists she can look after herself without any care, (which she can't) she locks herself out of the house, leaves the cooker on, sets smoke alarm off, cannot use a door key, so leaves the front door open while she's out, tells anyone who asks her pin no. In the shops, cos she can't use the cash machine and on and on the list is endless. My daughter moved in a year ago to care for her as we were getting calls day and night because her telly had gone wrong etc. Its got so bad between us all with trying to manage her that the mht think my daughter should move out and let her carry on on her own? Surely she is at risk? She cannot take her medication, doesn't understand the dosette box and is now refusing any help or medication, she has been discharged from Mental health team and social services, saying she is capable of looking after herself, and they won't do anything, they keep passing it from mental health team to social services back and forth back and forth, my daughter keeps getting accused of stealing her bank card when she has given it to her to do her shopping and we just can't cope, my daughter is having panic attacks and getting Ill and we are both so so stressed out and exhausted. We both think that she needs to be sectioned so they can assessed her properly but nobody wants to do anything! I just wondered if this is a familiar story for anybody? We are so worried and just don't know where to turn, if anybody has any advice it would be greatly appreciated, Thank you.
     
  2. kindred

    kindred Registered User

    Apr 8, 2018
    2,179
    Thank you for posting. This is tough, and all my sympathy. My thought is that there are two strands here which need to be separated otherwise it will go on being confused. The first is her welfare (and of course, this always has to be seen to come first). She is surely a vulnerable adult and safeguarding needs to come into play by the social services. The second thing is your welfare and your daughter. This is too much to cope with, especially with the violence which is documented because ambulance etc have been out. You could, if you felt strong enough, assert that you can no longer be her carers. It is too much of a responsibility with a woman who has the mental health issues that she has. You can do this, you can say you can no longer cope, what can they do now? All courage to you, sweetheart, this is so hard, I know. Geraldinex
     
  3. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,225
    Female
    South coast
    Wow, although all of these things are symptoms of dementia it is pretty extreme.
    I think your safety has to come first, no-one should live with threats of violence and, hard though it is, I do feel you should step back.

    The other thing that I wondered was why the MHT think that she can manage on her own? Was anyone with her when she was assessed and were they able to say anything, or was the only report of what she was able to do come from her?
    I remember when mum has an assessment about her needs by Social Services - according to mum she did all her own cooking and cleaning, did her own laundry, went out shopping and didnt need any help at all. None of this was true. Unfortunately many (most) people with dementia are unable to understand that they have problems and in their own mind they are fine.

    I would recommend that you write a letter to the mental health team outlining all the problems, explaining the things that she is no longer able to do and reiterating the violence that has necessitated calling the police and ambulance. State that you are no longer able to care for her because of this violence and use the "buzz phrase" that they "have a duty of of care towards a vulnerable patient"
     
  4. Tin

    Tin Registered User

    May 18, 2014
    4,829
    UK
    Although I am the first to say this, but suspect I will not be the last. Your daughter must move out and you all must take a step back and make a call to social services telling them that you can no longer sustain the caring and your mother is now living alone and effectively putting herself at risk. your mother does not want you there and is becoming violent. Drastic step I know, but sometimes that is all that is left to do. Social Services have to see that she is now a vulnerable adult and act accordingly.
     
  5. Rosettastone57

    Rosettastone57 Registered User

    Oct 27, 2016
    972
    If you wait for a person with dementia to accept they have a problem you will wait forever. Others will be along I am sure to give you better advice but personally I would step back from the situation for your own safety and get social services involved as a matter of priority
     
  6. nitram

    nitram Registered User

    Apr 6, 2011
    18,894
    Male
    North Manchester
    The complete 'buzz phrase' includes vulnerable adult at risk of harming themselves and/or others - legal duty of care - will hold responsible if anybody comes to harm because or their negligence.
     
  7. Desperatedan

    Desperatedan Registered User

    Jun 26, 2018
    17
    Thank you so much everyone, we have told social services that my daughter will be moving out in the very near future (maybe a week or 2) as she needs to find somewhere to live! Social services and mht are saying she is a vulnerable adult but can't send in carers to someone who is violent,?mht think that her problems are to do with us and the arguing, they said we need to encourage her to do things not discourage her, we dnt do this at all, but she is saying we do but when she does things that are unsafe what are we ment to do I'm confused? My mum says we are controlling her life (we are not) and they believe her, she lies so well and presents like she is normal, they can't seem to see through it? I just want to cry I'm so frustrated we are not lying, my daughter is having panic attacks. Mht have actually told my daughter to leave.We have spoken to mht today and they say "there is nothing they can do"??
     
  8. love.dad.but..

    love.dad.but.. Registered User

    Jan 16, 2014
    4,383
    Kent
    I am sorry for you and your family that you are having to go through this. I think your daughter should move out immediately perhaps move back in with you temporarily and not wait a week or two...she is at risk from your mum's unpredictable behaviour due to the dementia and it isn't fair for her to be in that position no matter how willing especially so in that it is now affecting her health not surprisingly and I would contact MHT and follow Tin and Nitram's sound advice...throw it completely back onto them. Follow up in writing and take a back seat for a little while.
     
  9. Sarasa

    Sarasa Registered User

    Apr 13, 2018
    437
    I agree with @love.dad.but.. and your daughter should leave now, even if she is sleeping on you floor or a friend's sofa. Phone social services telling them what you've done and step back. The whole thing sounds like it isn't doing any of you any good.
    I hope you get a resolution soon.
     
  10. jugglingmum

    jugglingmum Registered User

    Jan 5, 2014
    5,063
    Female
    Chester
    I was about to post that even if it means 'sofa surfing' then yoru dau needs to move out

    Follow the advice above about letting SS know, using the buzz phrases which get attention and I suspect a mini crisis will happen from which a solution will follow.

    I was aware something was badly wrong with my mum - she lives 200 miles away and wouldn't let me in the house, so I had to wait for a crisis to happen. It is horrid but until you can prove to SS she has no capacity they follow what is deemed the current legal interpretation of capacity.
     
  11. Vicxc

    Vicxc Registered User

    Nov 27, 2016
    6
    When my mum had her diagnosis, we were given all this literature about what was available and who could help. What they didn't prepare me for was my mum not accepting diagnosis , lying to the professionals, and them actually believing her. Getting outside help is not an option she would not have it. When I go to any appointments with her she can hold her own for 10mins, but soon becomes obvious, they ask me questions about mums abilities, and I find myself not telling the whole truth not to upset her. There are massive grey areas with dementia that you're not warned about. I can quite understand mental health issues of many carers, I feel lost frustrated and at sea. I know how dementia progresses on paper, the reality is life changing for everybody involved.
     
  12. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,225
    Female
    South coast
    Write that letter so that your side of the story is on record. Send a copy to the MHT and another to Social Services.
    There will be a mini crisis once she is on her own, but then things will get sorted.
     
  13. Reman

    Reman Registered User

    Jan 21, 2018
    24
    Isn't it sad you will have to have a crisis before you get help! Good idea writing a letter.
     
  14. kindred

    kindred Registered User

    Apr 8, 2018
    2,179
    Yes. In fact, my GP said to me last week that there has to be some kind of accident or crisis before you get noticed or helped ... this is the way things are now. I am so sorry. Gxx
     
  15. Desperatedan

    Desperatedan Registered User

    Jun 26, 2018
    17
    Thankyou yes it is sad, as this could mean something serious happening before action is taken!
     
  16. Desperatedan

    Desperatedan Registered User

    Jun 26, 2018
    17
    Thank you everybody I will definitely do the letter to MHT. I have written it and will pass to certain people who have been involved and my daughter is moving out very very soon, as she is classed as homeless now.. I really appreciate all ur advice and help thankyou
     
  17. Desperatedan

    Desperatedan Registered User

    Jun 26, 2018
    17
    Thankyou so much x
     
  18. Desperatedan

    Desperatedan Registered User

    Jun 26, 2018
    17
    Thank you so much
     
  19. Desperatedan

    Desperatedan Registered User

    Jun 26, 2018
    17
    Thank you so much
     
  20. Desperatedan

    Desperatedan Registered User

    Jun 26, 2018
    17
    Thank you so much
     

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