Is this how it goes?

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by hillyjay, Jun 15, 2019.

  1. Guzelle

    Guzelle Registered User

    Aug 27, 2016
    306
    Sheffield
    My OH has got Vascular Dementia and Alzheimer’s. His long term memory is bad aswell now. He can’t remember friends or relatives only those he sees regularly. He has an adopted son and daughter from his first marriage who rarely visit, they have both sent Father’s Day cards but it’s upset him because he can’t remember who they are! He knows our daughter but she visits often with our grandson.

    He has been aggressive and violent and is taking antipsychotic drugs to calm him down. But he does still get the temper tantrums but is not violent since taking the drugs. But after the tantrums end the memory is always worse.

    He will be going in respite for the first time soon as I need an operation on my eye and will need time to recover not sure how he will cope with it. I can only hope he likes it as i would love this to be a regular thing to give me a break.
     
  2. hillyjay

    hillyjay Registered User

    Jun 14, 2019
    56
    @Guzelle - my OH knows people though not always their name but I’m talking about acquaintances rather than family members. What I did find recently was that at a reunion with some of his his ex colleagues he couldn’t remember who some of them were despite having worked close, with them for many years.

    It’s almost as if your OH’s temper tantrums are a kind of culmination of problems leading to a breaking point before the next downturn. I remember my OH used to go through a very stressed agitated phase including the anger before a slight increase in memory problems. Good luck with your op and I hope that your OH will settle well. It would be great for you if you could rely on that place as somewhere he can go for regular respite.
     
  3. MoodyC

    MoodyC Registered User

    Sep 22, 2018
    31
    I know it makes sense Hillyjay. I just hoped I would be able to carry on the caring a while longer. Of course no one's journey is the same and each individual case will need different support and in the end, care. I had a problem this afternoon which was saved by a friend in our village he came down for a cuppa which calmed the situation straight away. This time I felt the trigger was someone telling him (not in a friendly way) to keep away from a pond where there was a duck with her ducklings. He seems to take offence if spoken to in a certain way. What I hate is the feeling of my heart thumping as I try to wade through the tantrum hoping he will calm without hurting himself or me. It's exhausting and can't wait to get some sleep!
     
  4. hillyjay

    hillyjay Registered User

    Jun 14, 2019
    56
    Snap, Moody. The last public trigger for OH here was someone criticising him for allowing dog to stretch out her neck to sniff. The man didn’t behave in a nice way but even so, OH went ballistic. He was shouting and swearing so much people were coming out of nearby offices and shops to see what the fuss was about. I just wanted a hole to open up and swallow me. Or better still, OH. I was shaking and upset inside but managed to calm him down then we walked home with him behaving as if nothing untoward had happened. Leaves you feeling totally drained.
     
  5. MoodyC

    MoodyC Registered User

    Sep 22, 2018
    31
    Well, in some ways, it's rather comforting to hear that I am not the only one but huge sympathies to you for public outbursts as so far that hasn't really happened. Trouble is, this condition is hidden, isn't it? And people need educating.
     
  6. hillyjay

    hillyjay Registered User

    Jun 14, 2019
    56
    You’re right when you say people need educating. So many assume that dementia means a old person who forgets things. Quite sweet really. I was guilty of that myself until my FiL was diagnosed. Sometimes yes, his lapses were ‘sweet’ but not so much when he became aggressive when unable to ‘go home’ to see his mother in the north of England - who’d died many years previously.

    As for it being a hidden disease, yes, certainly in the earlier stages I’d say so. When my OH exploded and started cursing and yelling at the the man who’d criticised his dog (and OH was threatening to punch him) I suppose most people who were present just thought he was bit of a yob. If only they knew what sort of man my OH always used to be. In his good phases, he still wouldn’t dream of behaving like that though he does have a shorter fuse than before.
     
  7. scaramouche1

    scaramouche1 New member

    Jun 30, 2019
    1
    I hope I am on the right thread here. This is my first message on the forum so here goes. My wife was diagnosed with Dementia 3 years ago and every thing has been relatively OK until she started to accuse me of doing certain things. The first one is having affairs with other women. The one that concerns me is she is accusing our friends and associates of calling her and spreading gossip. The question I ask is this normal ( if that is the right word) for the condition
     
  8. MoodyC

    MoodyC Registered User

    Sep 22, 2018
    31
    Hello Scaramouche, welcome to TP. You will be able to get lots of virtual support here but just wanted to say that my husband accused me of spending his money and worries that 'they' will take his car collection. It's now all safely hidden away. We're now at the point where he sees people in the house, especially in the bathroom which then means he can't go in there. So this is all part of it, I am afraid.
     
  9. hillyjay

    hillyjay Registered User

    Jun 14, 2019
    56
    Hi Scaramouche and welcome. I’m fortunate in that my OH doesn’t accuse me (yet!) of having affairs and saying nasty things. However he will swear that I either have said something to him which I know I haven’t or else that I haven’t told him something which I know I have. If something of his goes missing it’s usually me who’s ‘put it somewhere’.

    I know however that many others have to deal with the same situation as you and yes, sadly it seems to be what often happens as part of dementia.
     
  10. Guzelle

    Guzelle Registered User

    Aug 27, 2016
    306
    Sheffield
    I get accused of having affairs. If men we know talk to me he thinks I am having an affair even though the men know him aswell but he can’t remember who they are. Everything he can’t find it must be me who has moved it! He doesn’t want to go walking with the group and if I go alone its because I’m having affairs with all the men. It puts me off going as he can be nasty when I get home. I enjoy going for the company as I feel lonely and isolated most of the time. He has lost interest in everything he used to enjoy walking and used to lead walks with the ramblers he is getting unsteady on his feet now and I think that is part of why he doesn’t want to go. But there are shorter walks but he can’t understand me when I tell him.
     
  11. hillyjay

    hillyjay Registered User

    Jun 14, 2019
    56
    @Guzelle Could your husband physically manage one of the shorter walks? If you could get him to go, that is. It would make huge difference but it might be unrealistic now. Maybe your best bet to get some company will begin when he goes to respite after your op. If he can settle there regularly then that can be some much needed ‘me’ time for you.

    That accusation of having moved things is so familiar! What’s even more frustrating is that if I deny something he’s accused me of, he gives me a condescending smile and says something like , ‘I know what you’re like, you can’t fool me..’.
     

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