Is this being a bit too vindictive?

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Linbrusco, Sep 1, 2015.

  1. Linbrusco

    Linbrusco Registered User

    Mar 4, 2013
    1,537
    Female
    Auckland...... New Zealand
    Mums functioning alcoholic younger brother who rarely sees her and phones every few months, refuses to beleive that Mum has Alzheimers.
    I spoke to him the other week when he phoned Mum.
    He told me I was too "intense" about Mum, I should leave her be to do her own thing :rolleyes:
    Told him a few home truths about Mum and our situation, which every scenario got explained away with " Oh I forget things too" "or your Mums just being a bit silly"
    Wasn't till I told him that Mum asked if her Aunt was her Mothers sister' that I heard a brief pause of silence.

    Anyway, Mums two sisters have gone to Scotland for a month, and we have decided not to tell Mum.
    One of Mums sisters told the brother he was NOT to tell Mum. He said that why shouldn't Mum have a right to know? Aunt told him that my sister and I both agreed it was in Mums best interest.

    I have a feeling he will tell Mum. The questions will starts, the repetition will start, the anxiety and the anger.

    So heres the vindictive part .... i have a good mind that every time Mum starts asking questions, I will phone my Uncle and put Mum on the phone to ask him.
    I'm sure a dozen calls a day, might convince him of Mums Alzheimers and why I am " intense" and the reason why we have to lie....:rolleyes:
     
  2. Beate

    Beate Registered User

    May 21, 2014
    11,481
    Female
    London
    Oh yes, please do! Seems the only way he will learn.
     
  3. CollegeGirl

    CollegeGirl Registered User

    Jan 19, 2011
    9,535
    North East England
    Sounds like an excellent idea to me!
     
  4. Kevinl

    Kevinl Registered User

    Aug 24, 2013
    4,661
    Salford
    “Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves.”
    ― Confucius
     
  5. Linbrusco

    Linbrusco Registered User

    Mar 4, 2013
    1,537
    Female
    Auckland...... New Zealand
    I will bear that in mind Kevin.:)

    Actually what I would like to do and what I will end up doing are always at odds :rolleyes:
     
  6. jugglingmum

    jugglingmum Registered User

    Jan 5, 2014
    4,910
    Female
    Chester
    I agree - good idea.

    Not because it is vindictive, but because it is the only way he will understand, and you need to try anything to get through to him. Alcoholism is an illness, but it is an illness that only blunt speaking can get through to.

    My Aunt was an alcoholic, at times functioning and my parents had to plan their lives round ways to avoid inflicting some of her awful behaviour on us children when we were very small (eg going on holiday over xmas so she didn't turn up drunk and incoherent on xmas day).

    She was very self centred (not sure if this was the alcohol) and had been very very spoilt as a child, she thought my mum had stolen my dad away from her, and didn't like not having my dad at her beck and call anymore (he was 47 and she was 27 when my dad married).
     
  7. AndreaP

    AndreaP Registered User

    Dementia is hard enough to deal with without people disputing the diagnosis. My brother did this and I felt constantly undermined and unsupported. Denial was easier for him to deal with but made it worse for me.

    I don't think it's particularly vindictive. It is the classic cause and effect, something every child has to learn. What better way to stop his unhelpful interfering than to demonstrate to him what difficulties he has caused?

    But if you haven't the stomach for it just lie to mum. Tell her her brother has been drinking and has made up this story about the sisters. Laugh it off with "he must be going daft". My mother takes great delight in saying this about others - reassures her she's not the only one I suspect. :). You can have a good chuckle about it together.
     
  8. Linbrusco

    Linbrusco Registered User

    Mar 4, 2013
    1,537
    Female
    Auckland...... New Zealand
    :D well after a particularly exhausting day this has given me a good chuckle for sure :D
     
  9. Countryboy

    Countryboy Registered User

    Mar 17, 2005
    1,396
    Male
    Cornwall
    Hi could you tell us if your mum has been give a diagnoses of dementia and when my reason for that question , it's very hard sometime for others to tell or know a person has dementia because most thins appear normal , unfortunately I was diagnosed with Alzheimer's 16 years ago continued working and live quite an active life and people who don't know me personally wouldn't believe I had dementia , sometimes if I forget my PIN number people think I'm faking if I say I have dementia so I therefor carry a card which says I have dementia with the GP and consultants phone numbers , difficult unless you know all the facts
     
  10. Linbrusco

    Linbrusco Registered User

    Mar 4, 2013
    1,537
    Female
    Auckland...... New Zealand

    Yes Mums GP said she had progressive dementia, and it wasn't until after surgery and anesthesia when she became worse, they did all the tests and a CT scan, and said she had Alzheimers. This was in July 2013. Mum takes donepezil.

    All Mums family see her so infrequently, that when hey do its never much more than 2hrs or so. A lot of Mums symptoms are not evident over that time.
     
  11. Onlyme

    Onlyme Registered User

    Apr 5, 2010
    4,999
    UK
    #11 Onlyme, Sep 2, 2015
    Last edited: Sep 2, 2015
    I am firmly in the camp of putting her brothers phone number where she can see it so she can ring him. I give him 5 hours before he takes the phone off the hook.

    It is impossible for her to learn new things. Her brother should and must learn the effect of his actions.
     
  12. angelface

    angelface Registered User

    Oct 8, 2011
    1,086
    london
    Another vote for letting brother take the flack!☺
     
  13. Witzend

    Witzend Registered User

    Aug 29, 2007
    4,282
    SW London
    I wouldn't call that vindictive at all. It's probably the only way he's going to learn or understand. So many people can't see, or refuse to see (or prefer not to see) the reality of dementia unless they're forced to.

    Besides the dreaded 'invisibles' there is another category - the 'occasionals' who so often breezily know so much better than we do how everything should be managed. Anything that opens their eyes gets three rousing cheers from me.
     
  14. Countryboy

    Countryboy Registered User

    Mar 17, 2005
    1,396
    Male
    Cornwall
    Hi thanks Linbrusco for the reply yes I take Aricept myself , my reason for asking not everyone with memory problems without have any form of dementia , when I reply to a thread on TP my views are only on how I deal or have dealt with dementia diagnoses over 16 years , I force myself to take on various challenges and have learnt new things I did have the time to do when I was working best for me keep the brain active as possible , let’s face it is up to me to do it and because I’m wearing the “T” shirt it’s difficult for me to see myself at the end stage of dementia , well actually I don’t want to worry about that.
     
  15. Linbrusco

    Linbrusco Registered User

    Mar 4, 2013
    1,537
    Female
    Auckland...... New Zealand
    Tony I do know what you mean, and think its great that you are doing all you can.
    My husband has short term memory & cognitive issues due to surgery, chemo & radiation for a brain tumour now 11 yrs ago, and no longer works as a result.
    He keeps active with swimming and has met other people with health issues, and they all socialise, he reads books constantly ( he never used to) and keeps busy in his garage and fixing things :)

    I then have Mum with Alzheimers and Dad with Mild Cognitive impairment which they are keeping a watchful eye on :)
     
  16. Countryboy

    Countryboy Registered User

    Mar 17, 2005
    1,396
    Male
    Cornwall
    Hi Linbrusco thanks again obviously a different picture emerging now , sorry to hear about your husband but great that he is keeping active , also both your mum and dads dementia , this seems to run in families , both may parents had mums brother and sister now me so that five , my sister-in law had a brain tumour went for an operation caught the MRI and living like a cabbage for seven years , her son my 50 year old nephew has a brain tumour but refused an operation because he saiad “they killed my Mum” and now my cousin has a brain tumour which they can’t operate on but she is 76 but at the end of it we must carry
     
  17. fortune

    fortune Registered User

    Sep 12, 2014
    133
    My sister also refused to believe mum's diagnosis. Partly I think because she just didn't want to hear it, but also because she had what might be called a 'special' (secret) arrangement with mum on the financial front. Sister's reaction was to register mum for online banking (mum has never used a computer) and when I stopped that she wrote to the GP as if she was mum, asking for the diagnosis to be reviewed "as a first step to getting my life back" and getting mum to sign it. Sister is a drug addict. I don't think putting your mum on the phone is going to help - there are reasons why he doesn't want to know. One thing for sure is he is not going to be any help so personally I wouldn't bother. If he is alcoholic you can't trust him, however much you may or may not be fond of him. Your mum is highly vulnerable and will likely need protection from him at some point so I wouldn't encourage any more contact than occurs naturally.
     
  18. Mrsbusy

    Mrsbusy Registered User

    Aug 15, 2015
    356
    Sorry if this sounds cold and uncaring, but don't alcoholics mainly drink to escape from problems and the truth? Personally I would ignore this person as you aren't answerable to him neither is your mother.

    If he thinks he knows more than the GP etc then let him sort her out for a week whilst you go on holiday (I'm being sarcastic). Or maybe introduce him to the NHS as he obviously has a secret source of the disease that everyone here could use.

    If he knocks at the door, have your coat on ready as you're going out, or if he rings, ring the doorbell and say you have to go. He's not worth it.
     
  19. di65

    di65 Registered User

    Feb 28, 2013
    768
    new zealand
    and another one from me :):)
     
  20. Linbrusco

    Linbrusco Registered User

    Mar 4, 2013
    1,537
    Female
    Auckland...... New Zealand
    Just updating.

    Turns out Mums other sister told her that her two siblings were back in Britain.
    She let it slip apparently.
    We haven't heard the end of it since. Mum says she will never talk to her two sisters again, as they didn't tell her they were going overseas.
    Of course any attempt to try and tell her that my sister and I thought it best that she didn't know because we knew how upset she was last time they went without her doesn't wash.
    So this past week has been quite trying, and then she didn't mention it for a few days until she saw her brother who told her again :eek:

    I have no idea what Mums reaction will be when her two sisters come back.
    There are many things Mum forgets, but this one she will not.

    Someone said, how bad would it have been if Mum knew 3mths ago that her two sisters were going back to Scotland, and wouldn't it have been better than her finding out now.

    Actually I think her reaction would have been totally the same, apart from saying " They didn't even tell me they were going"
    We would have just heard about it several times a day for the past 3 months.
     

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