Is this a crazy idea or could it work?

[Weasell]

I am now proceeding with caution- very much so!

@Weasell I feel I would like to hear you reservations if you would kindly expand.

I feel deep down that I need to stop myself from throwing away this opportunity to transfer OH smoothly into a care home- because I am suffering from guilt and feeling emotionally bereft.

Ultimately it is what he needs, even though all he wants at the moment is to come home.

I didn’t want to answer because I am aware my answers can be brutal, and you seem so nice I didn’t want to upset you!
Here goes.

Is being a carer the correct occupation for someone with less than robust mental health, my experience is that it just creates more challenges.

Good luck to him finding ‘menial’ work ! The news contains figures like 1400 John Lewis employees that will be looking for jobs. I have worked with carers that have sat through a two hour bus journey just to do one crappy low paid shift and with the same journey home. It is a very tough world out there.

I am caring at the moment and to be quite honest I feel as through I am in suspended animation, there are many reasons I can ‘deal with this’ at the moment, but if your son is younger than me it may be kinder to force him to live his life.

I have kept my friends due to being a very good listener and sometimes making them laugh, however I am very aware I never have anything interesting to say. Unless he has very strong friendships being a carer can be very lonely.

what if your son looks after your husband for ten years and then at the end of that time sudden finds out he has a life changing health problem and realises he has just wasted his health? ( no visiting the Galápagos Islands for you )

Your son could look to get a new job that utilises the skills he has. Even if that goes horribly wrong the state will pay the interest on his mortgage. Without doubt obtaining counselling if he is feel low would be so worthwhile, and it can give you techniques to deal with some of life’s challenges.

Make sure it isn’t his love for you that is the reason he wants to do this.

Should your husband pass away shortly after returning home, where does that leave your son? But should he live ten years will your son look back on life and see the ‘missing years’ when he should have been trying to forge new relationships?

If your son could find a job he can tolerate also he needs to think about the benefit that a company pension will bring in later life. Being a poor pensioner is not fun. One of my future predictions is , that balance of financial power is with the old at present, if or when that is rebalanced in the future it could bring pain.

 

[Weasell]

I didn’t want to answer because I am aware my answers can be brutal, and you seem so nice I didn’t want to upset you!
Here goes.

Is being a carer the correct occupation for someone with less than robust mental health, my experience is that it just creates more challenges.

Good luck to him finding ‘menial’ work ! The news contains figures like 1400 John Lewis employees that will be looking for jobs. I have worked with carers that have sat through a two hour bus journey just to do one crappy low paid shift and with the same journey home. It is a very tough world out there.

I am caring at the moment and to be quite honest I feel as through I am in suspended animation, there are many reasons I can ‘deal with this’ at the moment, but if your son is younger than me it may be kinder to force him to live his life.

I have kept my friends due to being a very good listener and sometimes making them laugh, however I am very aware I never have anything interesting to say. Unless he has very strong friendships being a carer can be very lonely.

what if your son looks after your husband for ten years and then at the end of that time sudden finds out he has a life changing health problem and realises he has just wasted his health? ( no visiting the Galápagos Islands for you )

Your son could look to get a new job that utilises the skills he has. Even if that goes horribly wrong the state will pay the interest on his mortgage. Without doubt obtaining counselling if he is feel low would be so worthwhile, and it can give you techniques to deal with some of life’s challenges.

Make sure it isn’t his love for you that is the reason he wants to do this.

Should your husband pass away shortly after returning home, where does that leave your son? But should he live ten years will your son look back on life and see the ‘missing years’ when he should have been trying to forge new relationships?

If your son could find a job he can tolerate also he needs to think about the benefit that a company pension will bring in later life. Being a poor pensioner is not fun. One of my future predictions is , that balance of financial power is with the old at present, if or when that is rebalanced in the future it could bring pain.

Oh, and I didn’t miss the fact he would only be there 4 nights a week. It is just that I think that will become increasingly difficult and the nights will increase , so my comments are based on that happening!

 

[Old Flopsy]

@Weasell thankyou so much with that reasoned reply.

I have just discussed the options with my son and we have agreed to stick to the original plan of respite then care home.

The fact that a social worker is on the case helping to find an affordable care home may never again be available.

We will have to deal with the guilt and despair, knowing OH will get the care he needs.

 

[cumbria35]

Thankyou all for your responses.

I realise the current path he is on, ie respite for a few weeks, then permanent care, is the most sensible path to continue on.

You have all raised such important points.

His incontinence will only get worse, and I will get older, and hubby's dementia will get worse- especially during this stay in hospital.

My husband had to go into a Care home at very short notice soon after coming out of hospital after a stroke because of his deterioration and concerns for my health. He deteriorated rapidly during lockdown. It was heartbreaking to let him go there but eventually after 9 mohths, he has finally settled but has again deteriorated rapidly due to covid restrictions and no proper visits. I miss him terribly and he is now quite unwell with other health problems and I now realise the toll of caring for him for several years at home, there is no way I could manage now (I am 85 and he is 87). He is extremely well cared for now.

 

[Weasell]

@Weasell thankyou so much with that reasoned reply.

I have just discussed the options with my son and we have agreed to stick to the original plan of respite then care home.

The fact that a social worker is on the case helping to find an affordable care home may never again be available.

We will have to deal with the guilt and despair, knowing OH will get the care he needs.

You are correct.

When they wish to reclaim their hospital bed they are all sympathy and action.

when you have someone at home and you are struggling there doesn’t seem to be the same interest in helping you, I can’t think why ??

I hope things work out this week, please let us know how things progress.

 

[Melles Belles]

@Old Flopsy social services have to offer you at least one carehome that does not require a top up from family.
Top ups can increase very dramatically so beware. My Dad’s care home increased from £700pw to £850pw in one go. Just an example, would you be able to manage an increase of over £600pm on top of what your will already be paying?

 

[Old Flopsy]

Hi @Melles Belles gosh I didn't realise increases could be so dramatic. I couldn't cope with that.

Hoping to find a local authority home or something affordable- the social worker will be ringing today hopefully so that things can move on.

I am finding this journey so lonely and soul destroying. I desperately want to see him settled somewhere soon.

 

[mickeyplum]

For anyone else worried about alcohol, I had a similar problem with my husband until I started buying low alcohol wine from Tesco. It didn't matter after that if he had a 'secret' swig of the bottle when he thought I wasn't looking.
That was a few years ago and he no longer remembers where to find the wine but still enjoys it as part of his routine. We still share half a bottle every day with our evening meal. It's not the same but it's palatable and I don't have to worry about him - or me- falling over drunk!

 

[Old Flopsy]

At last the hospital social worker has found a care home with no top up fees.

I have researched it on line and I believe it will be good for OH- even though I am finding this decision so devastating and I feel at rock bottom. I wishh so so much that I didn't have to do this.

He will have an en suite room and the Facebook page indicates it is quite a social place and there's quite a few men (21 residents altogether).

He is being transferred there tomorrow- I can't help thinking he's going to question why he is not being brought home.

I am so miserable and weepy.

 

[jennifer1967]

At last the hospital social worker has found a care home with no top up fees.

I have researched it on line and I believe it will be good for OH- even though I am finding this decision so devastating and I feel at rock bottom. I wishh so so much that I didn't have to do this.

He will have an en suite room and the Facebook page indicates it is quite a social place and there's quite a few men (21 residents altogether).

He is being transferred there tomorrow- I can't help thinking he's going to question why he is not being brought home.

I am so miserable and weepy.

at least it sounds good and an ensuite room is luxury. once you can visit, maybe you will feel better

 

[Weasell]

At last the hospital social worker has found a care home with no top up fees.

I have researched it on line and I believe it will be good for OH- even though I am finding this decision so devastating and I feel at rock bottom. I wishh so so much that I didn't have to do this.

He will have an en suite room and the Facebook page indicates it is quite a social place and there's quite a few men (21 residents altogether).

He is being transferred there tomorrow- I can't help thinking he's going to question why he is not being brought home.

I am so miserable and weepy.

When he questions it you reply ‘ the doctor says you need to be here, it isn’t however , just for a while’!
Repeat
Repeat!!!

 

[Sarasa]

Hi @oldflopsy, I'm glad you are happy with the choice of home. It's good there are a few other men there and that it is a social place. In pre-covid times mum's care home used to take the male residents down the pub for a bloke's night out. Even if they can't do that I hope they have some activities your husband will like.
Although it's tough on both of you, I think it is really the only solution. As @Weasell says just tell him he's there until he gets stronger.
I hope it will be easy for you to visit, but maybe leave it a week so he can settle down first.

 

[imthedaughter]

At last the hospital social worker has found a care home with no top up fees.

I have researched it on line and I believe it will be good for OH- even though I am finding this decision so devastating and I feel at rock bottom. I wishh so so much that I didn't have to do this.

He will have an en suite room and the Facebook page indicates it is quite a social place and there's quite a few men (21 residents altogether).

He is being transferred there tomorrow- I can't help thinking he's going to question why he is not being brought home.

I am so miserable and weepy.

This bit is very tough. Wishing you strength and a good night's sleep if at all possible. The respite will give the carers there time to assess him and you can decide if it will be permanent. I certainly found it very hard to leave my dad in the home but they've been so good. It is also a smaller home. I hope you can all find some respite in the next few weeks.

 

[MartinWL]

Think of it as a kindness, it almost certainly is.