Is this a crazy idea or could it work?

[Old Flopsy]

My OH has been in hospital a week and is awaiting discharge into a care home for respite, when a place can be found that does not involve huge top up fees.

On Thursday he was constantly ringing me to ask me to go and pick him up, which was heartbreaking, (he is unaware of the respite plan) so I asked the nurse to remove his phone as @Grannie G suggested - it was causing so much distress to both of us.

He had been having numerous falls last Sunday resulting in me calling an ambulance in the middle of the night when I could no longer haul him up, He had another fall in hospital on arrival and a CT head scan which was clear. A liver scan was also clear. He has had no further falls and has learned to use a Zimmer in hospital. He has had no alcohol since entering hospital, but never went a night without at home- I got it down to a glass of wine a night.

I think he is mid stage vascular dementia.

I miss him so much and feel lost without my caring role, which I have done unaided for over two years now.

My son is in has just changed his job and it has not turned out to be as he expected - the pressure is affecting him so adversely and he is suffering mentally- he needs to get out of that line of work and do something less onerous. He is single, with a mortgage, and lives 50 miles away.

I have been desperately trying to think of a solution. I thought if he gave up his job then came to stay with me 4 nights a week, then together we could care for OH back at home. I made this suggestion to him and at first he thought it was crazy but now he thinks it would help all three of us.

I could pay son's mortgage and living costs out of our pensions, and he could get a part time menial job. It would only be until OH deteriorates to the point that he does not know us, or has developed unsafe behaviour, etc, and needs a care home.

The social worker told me there is a scheme to support care at home where an alert worn by OH could alert a helper if he has a fall and people would come to the house to pick him up any time of the day or night.

Are we crazy to consider this?

 

[marionq]

Is your husband receiving Attendance Allowance? That would help in paying your son as would reduction in council tax which your husband is entitled to. Your son would also be able to claim Carers allowance which I believe is around £70 a week. If you want to try this route be clear what all the responsibilities are and what the costs and benefits are so no one can complain once it is under way.

 

[canary]

Caring is easy to get into and hard to get out of.
The easiest time to get someone into a care home is from hospital. Once the person with dementia is back home and SS consider that are keeping them safe (even if it is destroying the carer) they will just let you get on with it.

Does your son know exactly what he is letting himself in for? At what point might he say that he cant do it, or would he feel morally obliged to carry on? As long as you are keeping him safe it could go on for years before SS considers that he needs a care home. If your son decides that he cant do it and goes home (or worse, doesnt pull his weight) then you will be left back at square one and SS might still not be interested.

Its a big risk

 

[Old Flopsy]

Yes he has full Attendance Allowance, and Council Tax reduction.

Yes I agree it requires full and frank discussion between me and my son.

I have felt such a sense of optimism since I thought of this that it seems 'worth a try', but I welcome others thoughts.

 

[Old Flopsy]

Yes @canary you are so wise.

I need to be realistic.

If only we knew how long this journey will be.

 

[Grannie G]

Hello @Old Flopsy

Your idea sonds lovely but is it realistic?

The first thing that struck me is how difficult it might be for your son to get another job if he is out of the job market for an indefinite length of time.

If his home is left empty for a long period will it affect his insurance and will it be safe?

I understand how much this support might appeal to both of you, you to have some in house family support and your son to be home with you and in a less stressful environment but as you have already realised you have to be realistic.

Have a really good think about this and weigh up all the pros and cons.

 

[Sarasa]

Hi @Old Flopsy , I would think long and hard about this. I know you miss your husband and would like him home and your son wants to leave his job. If your son is very unhappy any suggestion that gets him out of it might seem attractive, but I think it's quite likely he would find being a carer for his father very difficult and become equally unhappy. My youngest sister in law, who works as a carer, was very keen to give up her job to become her mum's full time carer. I think she realised that it would be impossible when she started to visit every other day to help bathe her mother and realised her emotional involvement made it too hard for her to do. If your son does want to help and you do get your husband home maybe get your son to take a fortnight's leave and see how it works out before he commits. Of course if it doesn't work out you are back to square one.
I also notice you mention drink. How easy do you think persuading your husband not to drink will be? I know a glass of wine could very easily make my mother with vascular dementia less stable on her feet and at the time (she's in care now) she was very physically fit for her age. If your husband insists on having a drink when he is home that could be a hard thing to negotiate with him and lead to more falls.
I would be inclined to go down the respite route. It is respite not a permanent move into care after all. While he is there you can talk frankly with the care staff about how easy caring at home would be.

 

[Banjomansmate]

What will you do if your husband continues to have falls on the days/nights your son isn’t with you. Even when he was with you either of you could injure yourselves in trying to get your husband back on his feet. Just because he has been given a zimmer in hospital it doesn’t mean he will use it once he came back home.

 

[canary]

Just because he has been given a zimmer in hospital it doesn’t mean he will use it once he came back home.

Oh that is so true. OH has a zimmer and he will use when he is it in hospital, but back at home, will he use it? No he will not.

 

[jennifer1967]

they have only to go off balance and fall backwards or get caught on something if your husband hasnt given enough clearance, the frame will go over and your husband will follow. then you will do more damage to your back that may not recover. if you have respite, you have more understanding of what he can and cant do as well the home having all the specialist equipment and knowledge to try and prevent falls as well as lifting your husband properly so as to reduce the injury to your husband and the staff

 

[Old Flopsy]

Thankyou so much all of you- your comments have given me so much food for thought.

It is such a quandry wanting to give OH what he wants- be maybe not what he needs.

Oh dear, lots to consider.

 

[Weasell]

My OH has been in hospital a week and is awaiting discharge into a care home for respite, when a place can be found that does not involve huge top up fees.

On Thursday he was constantly ringing me to ask me to go and pick him up, which was heartbreaking, (he is unaware of the respite plan) so I asked the nurse to remove his phone as @Grannie G suggested - it was causing so much distress to both of us.

He had been having numerous falls last Sunday resulting in me calling an ambulance in the middle of the night when I could no longer haul him up, He had another fall in hospital on arrival and a CT head scan which was clear. A liver scan was also clear. He has had no further falls and has learned to use a Zimmer in hospital. He has had no alcohol since entering hospital, but never went a night without at home- I got it down to a glass of wine a night.

I think he is mid stage vascular dementia.

I miss him so much and feel lost without my caring role, which I have done unaided for over two years now.

My son is in has just changed his job and it has not turned out to be as he expected - the pressure is affecting him so adversely and he is suffering mentally- he needs to get out of that line of work and do something less onerous. He is single, with a mortgage, and lives 50 miles away.

I have been desperately trying to think of a solution. I thought if he gave up his job then came to stay with me 4 nights a week, then together we could care for OH back at home. I made this suggestion to him and at first he thought it was crazy but now he thinks it would help all three of us.

I could pay son's mortgage and living costs out of our pensions, and he could get a part time menial job. It would only be until OH deteriorates to the point that he does not know us, or has developed unsafe behaviour, etc, and needs a care home.

The social worker told me there is a scheme to support care at home where an alert worn by OH could alert a helper if he has a fall and people would come to the house to pick him up any time of the day or night.

Are we crazy to consider this?

The alert you are talking about may be carelink.

I pay about 13 per month for it.

Then person has to have the memory to be able to press the pendant around their neck. Many can sit on the floor for hours without remembering.

With carelink the ‘task force’ of helpers are friends and neighbours you have nominated or presumably the ambulance service if that didn’t happen.

I have huge reservations about your plans. I have so many I can’t even share them.
@Grannie G raises a good point.
Perhaps sit down with pen and paper and list all the pros and cons.
Is this something the dementia helpline might cover?

 

[Banjomansmate]

The alert you are talking about may be carelink.

I pay about 13 per month for it.

Then person has to have the memory to be able to press the pendant around their neck. Many can sit on the floor for hours without remembering.

With carelink the ‘task force’ of helpers are friends and neighbours you have nominated or presumably the ambulance service if that didn’t happen.

I have huge reservations about your plans. I have so many I can’t even share them.
@Grannie G raises a good point.
Perhaps sit down with pen and paper and list all the pros and cons.
Is this something the dementia helpline might cover?

The trouble with the pen and paper idea is that you don’t necessarily know the cons yet and will be looking for the pros!

 

[canary]

The alert you are talking about may be carelink.

I pay about 13 per month for it.

Then person has to have the memory to be able to press the pendant around their neck. Many can sit on the floor for hours without remembering.

They also have to wear it.
OH was given a carelink, but after the free month I got the company to take it away from the desk where it had been originality put and hadnt been moved.......

The crash usually sufficient to alert me that OH has had a fall.......

 

[jennifer1967]

we are luckier as its for both of us. if i fall down and cant get up paramedics come to pick us up and check us out. we have a key safe on the wall which is helpful to nurses as well. we pay more for it but really have no-one to pick us up and neither could lift the other.

 

[Rosettastone57]

My mother in law had a version of carelink from her local council. She paid for the full 24/7 callout it worked quite well initially, but once she forgot that she had to press the pendant when she fell over, this became one of the tipping points for her to go into care.

 

[Old Flopsy]

Thankyou all for your responses.

I realise the current path he is on, ie respite for a few weeks, then permanent care, is the most sensible path to continue on.

You have all raised such important points.

His incontinence will only get worse, and I will get older, and hubby's dementia will get worse- especially during this stay in hospital.

 

[MartinWL]

I agree with all the notes of caution that others have posted. It is rare for a single man to be happy to return to living with his parents after years of independence. He will be giving up his freedom, even if only for four days of the week. He may well want his life back after a while. He will certainly want his own income from a job. Could he pay a day visit once or twice a week instead? Also consider whether your husband would get adequate care at home or whether a care home could better provide the care he needs. I would be very cautious about this plan.

 

[Old Flopsy]

I am now proceeding with caution- very much so!

@Weasell I feel I would like to hear you reservations if you would kindly expand.

I feel deep down that I need to stop myself from throwing away this opportunity to transfer OH smoothly into a care home- because I am suffering from guilt and feeling emotionally bereft.

Ultimately it is what he needs, even though all he wants at the moment is to come home.

 

[MartinWL]

These pages are full of stories about the transition from care at home to a care home. Elderly people seldom relish the idea of going to a care home. It seems to be common for the patient to underestimate his/her own needs. My mother was saying she would look after herself when she could hardly get out of a chair, but we don't hear that from her now after a year in a care home, ( and now she cannot get out of a chair unaided at all). The guilt monster also permeates the pages in plenty. The kindest thing is to face up to reality, remembering that in old age things only usually go downhill. What the patient needs often has to trump what the patient wants.