Is there such a thing as too much care?...........

[min88cat]

Mil has been on her 'last legs' as it were in the NH for the past 8 weeks. It's been a rollercoaster of her eating, then not eating, drinking and then not drinking. She is on morphine patches and other regular pain relief, together with patches to dry up secretions.

Went to visit with hubbie today, and she was visibly agitated and moaning, reaching out for some thing that wasn't there, and trembling. She hasn't drunk much for the last 3 days and her 'pad' has been dry since then, with a comment of 'slightly damp' for today.

The nurse administered more pain relief whilst we were there, but that didnt seem to help her, so we asked whether there was anything else she could have. Nurse said that as MIL had eaten something today, she could give something to make her sleep.

Now don't get me wrong, the home and it's staff are brilliant, it's just that I assume if she hadn't eaten, they wouldn't have given her the sleep drug.

What on earth are we doing to her to put her through this. It's cruel beyond belief.
I know no one wants to play God, but wouldn't it be kinder to just let her sleep and just drift away? Are they frightened of being sued? Sorry, hubbie is a bit distressed and I'm just trying to find some words of comfort for him.

 

[susy]

I didn't want to read and run. I'm so sorry that you are in this position right now. I'm sure the nurses are doing everything they can to ensure your MIL is comfortable. Drinking and eating is all part of that.

Kind wishes to you and your Husband.

 

[Nebiroth]

But, in essence, they are doing what you suggest: letting nature take it's course, the only medical interventions are things like pain relief. It is basically palliative care - which focusses on keeping the patient comfortable rather than extending life.

From what you say, there are no "heroic" measures being employed - for example, no drips for hydration, no feeding tubes, nothing of that sort.

 

[Mamsgirl]

Someone "visibly agitated and moaning" is getting the opposite of too much care! Don't begin to understand what eating has to do with sedating at end of life. I couldn't agree more with you that "It's cruel beyond belief". Life ends in it's own time, but putting your MIL, your husband and yourself through a world of anguish in the process is extremely poor palliative care. Thinking of you, Toni x

 

[steffie60]

It is heart wrenching for families to watch their loved one fade away, it seems though that the NH are doing what they can and what they are allowed to do. Sadly the horrors of life are all to real at a time like this. May her passing come soon so that you may all find peace.
best wishes

 

[Mamsgirl]

Hope your Mil's comfortable and settled today. Thinking of you all, Toni x

 

[Sunbell]

Hello Min88cat, just catching up with your post.

If it's any help, my mum was on morphine patches too but we found they seemed to help with the pain but not the agitation which was very distressing. I was very concerned over this as I could see mum was very distressed mentally but not physically so I asked for some calming medication to be prescribed if possible. She was then given lorazipan as well as the morphine patches and then became very calm and sleepy which made her more peaceful.

Maybe you could ask for some calming medication to help your MIL as I know it is so hurtful and upsetting just sat beside the bed watching this happen.

I always said through mum's long and horrible illness that I was 'her voice' as she couldn't speak for herself and no way do any of us want to see our loved ones suffer like that. If you want something, always ask for it for your MIL and persist until you get it resolved. I always did, sometimes felt bad having to ask, but hey ho it had to be done!

I do hope your dear MIL becomes peaceful very soon and send comforting thoughts to you and your husband at this sad and horrendous time.

Love Sunbell xx

 

[Enjoy_Sunshine]

Don't want to just read and run, it must be such a difficult time for all of you. I wonder if your mil would listen to some music to calm her down (music of her own era? 1920's, 30's?), maybe she is yearning for something familiar to hold onto from her past that can make her feel comfortable at this time?

It must be such a confusing time for her at the moment, her body in pain and drugs helping her to sleep etc, and the mental distress of not knowing what is going to happen to her when she passes away.

She is lucky she has you and your husband to support her and make her last moments peaceful and full of love.

Prayers to you that her pain is relieved soon X

 

[garnuft]

I know without a doubt that if my Mam is in this position she will have sedatives and pain relief until she is calm, comfortable and out of pain.

I agree with Toni, I see no reason why, in end of life care, the considerations of having eaten or not should be considered apropos drugs....anti-emetics can be given surely?

Perhaps there is a reason? I wonder if anyone with knowledge could enlighten us? because I will be insisting my mother is not distressed and will not stop until she has peace.

I've told my son to do the same for me.

'Drug me into oblivion' are my precise instructions.

 

[min88cat]

Hi everyone, sorry I'm not able to reply to everyone individually, but all your comments are much appreciated. I visited briefly today to take some body wash in for MIL and she was calm. Since yesterday, She has started eating again and taking in thickened liquid. This bl**dy awful disease is messing with our heads. A whole year, with no holiday and both hubbie and I having major ops,is now taking its toll. We need to go away, we can't...................would the good Lord, if there is one, just sort it out...........sorry to sound so awful, we've just had enough.........

 

[Mamsgirl]

'Drug me into oblivion' are my precise instructions.

My exact instructions too Gwen.

Mini, how is your husband coping, sounds he was pretty shaken by his Mum's restlessness. Can you both take some recovery time at home or even plan short breaks within reach of your Mil in case you need to return?