is there something wrong with me?

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by laura92, Nov 8, 2007.

  1. laura92

    laura92 Registered User

    Aug 28, 2007
    hi all,
    im gonna try and keep this short.
    my dads funeral is tomo, 8th november and im scared.
    i need help, as i think theres something wrong wth me.
    i cryed hysterically for about 5 minutes when i found out my dad had died, but i hadly to quickly snap out of it, as there was a little boy with me, who was becoming conerned.
    since i havent cried.
    ive sort of blocked it from my memory i know my dads dead and not coming back but i just dnt think about it.
    is there something wrong with me? was my five minute cry, my grief over with.
    and what happens if i dnt cry at his funeral? what will people tink? that i didnt care? that im heartless?
    please help because im going out of my mind.
    thank you
    all my love.
  2. christine_batch

    christine_batch Registered User

    Jul 31, 2007
    Dear Laura,
    There is nothing wrong with you. You are going through a terrible time at the moments. Grief affects us in so many different ways. If you do not cry at the funeral, that does not mean to say to anybody that you did not love your Father.
    My prayers are with you and you will not let anyone day.
    My love to you as you go through a very difficult day.
    Take care of yourself. Sending you a big hug.
  3. elaineo2

    elaineo2 Registered User

    Jul 6, 2007
    leigh lancashire
    Dear Laura,i am sorry for you loss and hope that you get through tomorrow.Death affects all kinds in all ways.There is no "curriculum",and there is no one in this world who knows how you feel.He was your dad and how you feel is unique.Having a 5 minute hysteria point and then not crying afterwards may be normal.Who knows what normal is when dealing with this?
    All i can offer is that you attend the funeral and be yourself,if the tears flow they flow,if not? this doesn't mean your heartless,it means you are dealing with your loss in your own way and nobody can condemn you for that.Love and best wishes,take care,elainex
  4. Norman

    Norman Registered User

    Oct 9, 2003
    Birmingham Hades
    there is nothing wrong with you.
    As christine says every body is different and grieve in different ways.
    I didn't shed a tear at my wife's funeral,but I bit my lip until it bled,and I have cried every day since.
    Get through the funeral and then you will feel differently
  5. blue sea

    blue sea Registered User

    Aug 24, 2005
    Laura, such wise advice from others. Funerals are for getting through - they are only the first step on the road of grief. You are now on the second step. It is not an easy journey and we are all with you. You loved your dad and the imprint of his love remains with you for ever.
    Blue sea
  6. mojofilter

    mojofilter Registered User

    May 10, 2006
    Hi Laura,

    There's nothing wrong with you, I made it through my mother's funeral without shedding any tears but when I was offered a mince pie at one of our local cake shop I fell apart.....

    My mum used to make the best mince pies in the world and being offered one just set me off........ I'm sure I've not mourned the passing of my mother yet, yes there have been tears and I'm sure there will be more of them in the future....

    We're all different and we all deal with things in our own way ............ I also think that because of the nature of this terrible disease we get to partly mourn the loss of our loved ones as their condition worsens .... I know my mum died on the 15th of October but in one sense I lost her 18 months ago...

    Take care,

  7. clarethebear

    clarethebear Registered User

    Oct 16, 2007
    manchester, uk
    Hi Laura

    Once again Laura I'm so sorry to hear about your dad. My thoughts will be with you today.

    My Nanna passed on the same day as you dad and I am like you. I have had a cry for about half an hour. I know she has gone but my brain wont let me realise just yet that I won't ever see her again. But then again I see her all the time at the moment in my dreams and thought.

    My Grandad passed 16 years ago and I was the same then but when it came to the funeral I couldn't contain myself. I cryed all the way through. In one sence I'm hoping the same doesn't happend next week when we hold my Nanna's funeral as I'v been asked to do a reading.

    No one will think less of you if you don't cry, beleive it or not not every cry's at a furneral and that doesn't mean they love the person less than someone who does cry at the funeral.

    Just take the day as it comes and please don't worry. My heart is with you.

    Take care

    p.s. I hope you get this before the funeral. Please let us know how your day went.
  8. laura92

    laura92 Registered User

    Aug 28, 2007
    thank you for all your support,
    the funeral went better than expected, with a fewer minor hiccups, we got through it.
    i didnt cry and thanks to all your support i didnt feel so bad. i am feeling quite down at the momnet but for now i havent cried but im sure i will eventually.
    my sister did her speech even though at the begining she said she wouldnt, and im so proud of her.
    we're collecting his ashes on monday and me and my sister will be scattering them at a park that are dad took us to when we were younger.
    his funeral made me realise alot about myself and the things i need to change in my life.
    thank you for all your support
    all my love to you all.
    live life to the full, take every opportunity, laugh to much, love without fear.
  9. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    SW Scotland
    Dear Laura

    I'm glad the funeral went well. Your dad would be so proud of you and your sister.

    I hope you can find some peace now, and remember the happy days with your dad. Be good to yourself.

  10. Jane1

    Jane1 Registered User

    Mar 3, 2007
    Dear Laura, You should be very proud of youself. You can only take one day at a time and deal with whatever it brings, some are better than others. A friend described it to me as it's like having a stone in your stomach and some days it weighs heavier than others but it's always there. Tears will come, probably when you least expect them, do it all in your own time, there is no right or wrong
    love Jane
  11. SusanR

    SusanR Registered User

    Apr 29, 2007
    Laura, it has been seven weeks since my husband died and I haven't cried since the day I was told he wouldn't live the weekend. I think with this horrible disease, we have been saying good-bye for years and the actual death is anti-climatic. I took pictures of my son's wedding to share with him this past March and he didn't know what he was looking at and got up and walked away and started pacing. I remember when I left that day I teared most of the way home thinking 'he is really gone'. I went into a funk for about four months and wondered what was wrong with me. It was only after he died, I realized I was deeply sad during that period and was mourning the loss of him. People will say to me, 'I will miss him' and I will say 'I have missed him for a long time'.

    Don't be so hard on yourself and take care.

  12. Margaret W

    Margaret W Registered User

    Apr 28, 2007
    North Derbyshire
    Dear Laura,

    My beloved dad died 3 years ago, I loved him to bits, I always told my husband and daugters to watch out for me when he died, a I would be a wreck.

    I wasn't. I organised his funeral, and the scattering of his ashes, and to this day I haven't really cried other than a few short sobs at times when I have remembered him not being there for some purpose that I could have used him when he was alive. So, there have been short moments when I have felt sad, but I can't say any real grief.

    I suppose it is cos he did not suffer, and dying from cancer we tend to expect suffering, but he had none. And I have been so glad about that.

    Our eldest cat died yesterday, he was 16 1/2. My husband is distraught, but that cat died suddenly, less than a minute from looking unwell to dying, no pain, died at home in his favourite spot, I cannot be distraught. He was old, he was loved, he had a priveleged life (he was a rescued cat), I am just glad that he had no pain or suffering. Yes, I will miss him. He always used to be on the garden wall when I came home from work, so tomorrow he won't be there, and I'll probably shed a few tears, for a few minutes.

    Don't block your dad out. If you find something that makes you cry, then cry. If you don't, then don't worry about it. It doesn't mean you are heartless. My husband couldn't eat a meal yesterday after the cat died, and I could. I am not heartless, it just didn't affect me in the way it did him.

    Be brave, as you obviously are, are just see what happens, and if the tears come, then let them come. My tears for my dad came about six months later, but I can't say I was distraught. Do what comes naturally, and accept it.

    Much love

  13. toby12

    toby12 Registered User

    Jan 26, 2007
    No. There isn't.

    Hello Laura

    No. There is nothing worng. Everybody deals with things differently. I kept a stiff upper lip for weeks, organised my Dad's funeral, and it was all fine. Four months later, it hit me. I bawled my eyes out one night, something on TV triggered it, and I was a complete wreck.

    As I type this I'm watching a programme about Ella Fitzgerald, and one of Dad's favourite songs was on there - memories, feelings, grief all come and go, and maybe come again.

    With best wishes.

  14. Margaret W

    Margaret W Registered User

    Apr 28, 2007
    North Derbyshire

    Let us know how you are feeling now, or whenever you want to. The period after the funeral is often a "blank" period when you get back to your previous routine and everyone expects you to be as you were before, and sometimes you are, and sometimes you are not.

    Keep us posted, we are here for you.


  15. seymour

    seymour Registered User

    Oct 15, 2007
    There's nothing wrong with you.

    Firstly sorry for your loss, i've just logged in so it's over a week since your sad time, all i can say is that there's nothing wrong with you as others have said grief is a strange thing, i lost my mother several months ago, unfortunately we didn't get on and we hadn't seen each other for quite some time but the morning she died my 3 brothers and 2 sisters and my dad were all by her side even though she was drifting in and out of life she knew we was all there, and i cried like mad like you for minutes as did the others. at the funeral we had decided to carry the coffin, this was the most hardest thing i have ever done but we did it and we were strong but i didn't cry that day and have not done since, i also thought some thing was wrong but we all grieve in different ways there is no set way, i miss my mum after all she was my mum, i said my piece at the time of her death and proudly carried her coffin, don't know whether this helps or not but time is a great healer and by talking about it helps, believe me. i told my own story a short time ago with regards to my father in law and my fears that he has alzheimers it recieved tons of support and advice which has got me through it.

    Take care

  16. laura92

    laura92 Registered User

    Aug 28, 2007
    sorry, ive only just replyed.
    i still havent cried but i believe tht i probably grieved when my dad got alzheimers, as tht was probably the stage i truely lost him.
    The first time he couldn't remember me, i sobbed, i drank, i got angry, believing it was my fault that if i had of spent more time he wouldnt of forgotten me so quickly. The second time i was cryed and realised id lost him for good, and guess thats probably when i grieved.
    I understand now that it was nothing to do with me that my dad forgotten me it was that he was goin back to the past, possibly before i was even born.
    I didnt snap back into my old self, and still today im not how i used to be. I had to change quickly after my dad's fineral.
    My mum has been quite ill for a couple of months, but has muddled through, but just after dads funeral, my mum has got alot worse and has had one operation and another to be had in december. at the moment they are suspecting liver cancer.
    So as much ive grown up quickly, ive had to grow up even quicker these last couple of weeks. I have a six year old sister who still needs to be looked after, and as much as my mum hates the idea she needs to rest.
    So at the moment im really scared more so than when my dad was dying for the fact if i lose my mum im alone. my mum even brought up the subject, that if she's still around when i turn 16 (september) she will sign the house into joint tennancy. i asked why and she said that way if anything happens after that, i will always have a house.
    Also my mum who dislikes christmas, had decided to do the proper thing this year and have a christmas to remember.
    So now i believe my mum is scared which i guess is the most scary thing.
    Sorry that this went totally off line, and eventually had nothing to do with alzhemiers.
    all my love laura
  17. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    SW Scotland
    Dear Laura, please don't apologise. You're one of us, and we want to know about your problems.

    And what problems you have! For one thing, I didn't realise you were so young.

    You've done so well to cope with the loss of your dad, and the funeral. And now you have so much worry over your mum. I'm not surprised you're scared, it would be frightening at any age, particularly as you have a younger sister.

    It does sound as if your mum is fearing the worst, and is making preparations to make sure you are all right. I know you're scared, but you must hope for the best, and try to stay cheerful for your mum and your sister. Hard, I know.

    And always remember that we're here for you. Talk to us whenever you like, even if it's not about Alzheimer's.

    Love, and best wishes to you and your mum.
  18. laura92

    laura92 Registered User

    Aug 28, 2007
    thank you for all your kind words and support,
    all my love to you and your families
  19. Chrissyan

    Chrissyan Registered User

    Aug 9, 2007
    N E England
    #19 Chrissyan, Nov 25, 2007
    Last edited: Nov 25, 2007
    Laura you are so young to be dealing with all these things, you have reduced me to tears. Do you not have any aunts, uncles or other family members around? Here is a hug from me.

    Attached Files:

  20. christine_batch

    christine_batch Registered User

    Jul 31, 2007
    To a special teenager

    Dear Laura,
    Through our P.M. over the weeks, and the tender age that you are, I would like everyone to know what a SPECIAL YOUNG LADY you are. You know that we have been keeping each other going and your love and support has been so special. As discussed before, yes make this a good Christmas for your Mum and your sister. Do not let go of your dreams.
    I sent you my love and a big hug. Christine xx

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