Is there any justice

[VickyH]

My dads ex has now, after leaving 4 months ago, been in touch with dad to say she's coming back to take some furniture. When she first left we discussed what she would take, with me worrying that too much change for dad would be too difficult for him to take at such a difficult time for him. He desperatley needs stability. At the time i said that the only things i wanted definately leaving would be his bedroom furniture and his TV. At the time she went mad at me saying how could i think her so cruel to think she might consider that.

Now shes saying that shes taking his drawers out of the bedroom. Dad realy didnt know how to react to this information. He seemed so conflicted as he still really cares for her and hasnt been able to see any bad in her, so he was quite upset about it. I dread to think how he will be when she comes to take it. We have spoken to the solicitor and she has said that his ex is within her rights to take things from the house as her name is still on the mortgage.

Im finding this so difficult. It is so hard living in a house where, someone that for no reason hates me so much, can come in at any time whilst im out and there is just nothing that can be done about it. The solicitor even told me that if i were to get the locks changed she would be well within her rights to break in! Its just a nightmare.

Im tryigng my best to focus on caring for dad as that is the thing that is important, but im barely sleeping with all the stress and worry that im goign through due to his ex, and im living with constant dread, just waiting for the next thing to be sprung on us.

Sometimes i worry that im crazy, and that im over-reacting, i worry that my feeling toward her are biased and that what she's doing isnt as bad as im seeing it and that i must have done something along the lines for her to hate us so much. But i just cant see what, i havent said one bad word to her and i've been so much more patient than anyone can believe.

Sorry this is yet again another long post, but i just feel like i am going out of my mind! x x

 

[sad nell]

Vicky just wanted to let you know i am on here till late if you need an ear love Pam

 

[Helen33]

Dear Vicky

First of all you are not going mad, you are coping with a highly stressful and painful situation. You are caring for your dad and are naturally worried about the effect all this is going to have on him. It can be very difficult to be impartial especially as this is all so new (4 months) and I suspect there will be a lot more to go through yet.

I hope that you have outlets in which to vent your frustrations and anger and, if not, then perhaps joining a carers support group might help. Meanwhile, I hope that TP proves a positive outlet for you and that you find ways of riding this storm and probably future storms with regard to their relationship break-up.

Love and best wishes

 

[VickyH]

Thank You

Thanks for your replies, this site has been a huge help to me since i joined. I find that i can use it as an outlet for my frustrations quite well.

Its nice to know there are people out there to listen that can understand what im going through. I really do appriciate the support that you offer x x

 

[JPG1]

Hello Vicky

If I’ve not got the full picture of your Dad’s situation, then I’m sorry. You are not going mad – your are under stress. This woman is your Dad’s wife, as I read your posts. She’s not his ex. They are still married.

You and your partner moved in to live with and care for your Dad after she moved out, 4 months ago. So are you now saying that she is removing all of the furniture, or just the drawers from the bedroom? If it’s just the drawers, then could you not live with that and perhaps find a similar chest of drawers, if she really does take them? It’s not worth getting yourself into a state over a chest of drawers – your Dad may like the new chest of drawers that you could get as a replacement.

I’m afraid the solicitor is right – there’s nothing you can do to prevent her, because she is still your Dad’s wife. So until such time as they are divorced, then it might be easier for you, and for your Dad, if you could find a way to realise that she is not going to evaporate instantly.

You never know, she might change her mind and come back to live with your Dad, as his wife again. It's possible; unlikely but possible. So for your Dad's sake, it might be best all round if you could find a way to 'tolerate' her.

.

 

[Tender Face]

Vicky, forgive me for being at my cynical worst – but why after 4 months does someone suddenly decide they need their bedroom drawers? How has she been managing without this long? And why those particular bedroom drawers?

1) I see you’re in Leeds – print her off directions to IKEA if she’s got storage problems!

2) Check how right your solicitor is about a name being on a mortgage giving entitlement to one person deciding which contents in the home belong to either ‘party’ (some may have sentimental value attributed to one person – but a name on a mortgage can surely not give rights to one mortgagee ‘picking and choosing’ what they might what as and when they want – and if assets and liabilities are to ‘split’ then it needs to be on a more ‘official’ footing’ than someone choosing at whim what they want now and in the future .....)

This is so desperately sad .. and I can see where JPG is coming from on this ..... and the need for tolerance and treading on eggshells even if they are crippling you ..... especially if your dad can ‘see no wrong’ and in a sense you have the difficulty of protecting him from hurt he perhaps cannot see or fully understand for himself anymore.

What I see in you is someone looking out for someone very vulnerable (never mind it’s dad and you love him) and not being able to fathom how anyone could possibly hurt or take advantage of someone in this situation ... most can’t ..... take pride in yourself for feeling that way ... and yes, it does give you sleepless nights – but at least it’s not because of a bad conscience! Stay strong, and rise above it ... and vent here all you need .......

Karen, x

 

[VickyH]

She is still currently my dads wife. She has very recently sent out intructions to start divorce proceedings (on the grounds of his behaviour due to his illness). I know for a fact that she will never come back to live with my dad, she started dating someone else before she even left and as far as im aware is still currently with that person, and she never accepted or understood my dads condition. She always acted as if it were only happening to her, she never once had any consideration or thought for how the rest of his family was effected by it, or even how my dad was effected by it.

When she first left she took most of the livingroom furniture and i brought the furniture from the property i owned to replace it. We discussed her taking any of the kitchen appliances (as these were something that i could also replace and wouldnt be very noticeable to dad) and we discussed what else she would want. She only chose the living room furniture, and said she had gotten other furniture given to her by people.

She has said to dad that she is taking his bedroom drawers and the dining room table. Neither of which i could replace as she has put their joint account on stop and so his pensions are currently unable to be accessed. I could probably scrape some money together to buy a cheap set of drawers for him, but that isnt the thing that im worried about. Its the effect that taking his bedroom furniture might have on him, and where there is a line to say that this has to stop. It just seems ridiculous that she can come in and turn a vulnerable adults world upside down, when we have all been told, including her, that too much change in his life will be detrimental to his condition.

I have all along been patient and tolerable with her, even after the many nasty messages that she has sent to me and my family, and the horrible lies she has told my dad about us. I have not said anything bad about her to my dad as it upsets him, and when she has told him that we have all fallen out and dad has mentioned it to me i have simply said that she hasnt been very nice to me so we dont speak, but that nobody is arguing or being mean to her and that he shouldnt worry about it. It is awful to see his face after she has told him all the lies. And i know it sounds like a whimps way out by not telling dad what she is doing, but when i have even tried to explain the straight forward things to him, like her wanting to sell the house, he wont believe me and insists it is not her.

Im am not at all a confrontational person, and believe that arguing doesnt solve anything and realised from the outset that i wanted to be the bigger person, so all of us have ignored the messages and i ammicably communicated with her up until she recently decided (for no reason that i could see) that she no longer wanted any form of contact with me! I have considered offering her some of my own money for her to buy some new drawers for herself, but i dont think that it would end up resolving everything.

Again i know its a very lengthy reply, but i find it such a good way to vent my feelings over it all, and its let out the insanity that im feeling inside. Thanks so much for all the support you are all giving me x

 

[JPG1]

Vicky,

It's obviously more than just the chest of drawers, then.

I think you must seek legal advice again. Otherwise, his wife may return again and again, to 'claim' more furniture and things, and that's not going to do anyone any good.

It may be more because they are still married, rather than that both their names are on the mortgage, that the solicitor has said there is little to stop her returning to the house. But there is something the solicitor could do to stop her stripping it completely, bit by bit. Especially as she has now said she wants a divorce. There is no way she should be able to take all the house contents! But she's not likely to listen to you - so a solicitor should inform her.

On the bank account front: if the joint account has been completely 'frozen', then neither party can withdraw money. I suppose you've talked to the bank to make sure that it's not already been 'cleaned out' - and have you asked whether they would open a new account in your Dad's sole name? Then the DWP and any other benefits or pension-payer could pay into the new account. But your Dad's dementia may prevent that, of course.

Better still, ask the DWP to make you your Dad's 'Appointee' - then you can 'mastermind' his pension and any other benefits, and rearrange them to go into this new bank account, or even a new bank account in your sole name.

If there is no EPA/LPA in existence for your Dad, then get that sorted as soon as you can too. If there is, then you won't be able to become his Appointee via the DWP.

Could you go and have a chat at the local CAB office? Someone needs the full picture to be able to help you and your Dad, and take some of the load from you.

Good luck,

.

 

[VickyH]

He has no LPA or EPA as one was originally written up in his wifes name but was never registered, and the solicitor that holds the document has been made aware of the current situation so said they will not allow it to be registered.

I have been made my dads appointee so we have access to his benefits. It is his private pensions that we cant get to, as they can only go into an account in my dads name, and dad is too far into his condition to be able to set one up. Im currenlty in the process of a court of protection application. Im aware that this is not always a fantastic option, but it was something that ended up being totally necessary. Im just hoping it goes in our favor.

I do think that we should maybe call up for some extra legal advice, as i cant see how this shouldnt be something that is sorted through the solicitors. Im sure in any other normal divorce a split of belongings should be done through the right routes, and in this case there should be someone else that can protect my dads rights as a vulnerable adult!

 

[Sandy]

Hi Vicky,

I wish I had more productive advice to offer you. This situation is so unique that it leaves me struggling for a precedent on TP.

Having read your posts since you started on TP, it's clear to me that you're doing all the right things to look after your father's interests.

It does sound as if your step-mother is determined to proceed with the divorce. I suppose all that you can do is continue to support your father and ensure that he has the best legal advice and medical support possible.

Take care,