is there a final "flip"

[cris]

no win

Hi Connie thanks for that. I know it is not Susan hitting out at me it is Mr Alzheimer. Things are always worse in the morning and evening. I did speak in a firm voice and it may have registered. For now anyway. She does call me a bloody lair at times. So I am careful about the conversation we have, sometimes there is no winning. Fer in stance.........
S do I have to wear that jump again
C no what one would you like
S that one
C ok
next day
C is this jumper ok
S you always ask me that
C well sometimes you dont like what I choose
S YOU BLOODY LIAR I ALWAYS LIKE WHAT YOU CHOOSE
S then has the hump

no winning
cris

 

[mel]

Dear Cris
it sounds so familiar
I was a "bloody liar" many a time!!!
Mum was always worried about me too........told me I ought to see a doctor because "you're bloody crackers"

 

[Brucie]

Given the different and unpredictable responses to ... well almost anything... I used to treat such conversations as a bit of drama, sort of an improvisation, and as such I would simply find ways to [act and ] go with the flow that we both could live with.

Takes time to figure how to do it and, as with all of this, it means being willing and able to take second place. So difficult.

 

[Lila13]

I was partly relieved when my mother hit two of the carers in the respite home because I thought now at least someone outside the family would believe me.

 

[sony]

Hi

My Granny who has AZ had a bit of an agressive fit this morning....she has carers in everyday, but on a Saturday and Sunday they only wash and dress her and make the dinner. So the carer came this morning, got Granny washed and dressed no problem then according to the carer changed out of the blue and started shouting at her and forced her out the door!! This is so unlike my Granny. By the time my Mum arrived the carer was in her car crying.....this then started my Mum off but as I tried to explain to my Mum my Granny being like that is part and parcel of the AZ and the carer being trained in care of the elderly should also be aware of that although I suppose you can't blame her for being upset but she should know how to handle it should she not?? Such a minefield!

Hope you're ok cris....try to remember that it is AZ rather than your wife, easier said than done I know!

Sony

 

[Grannie G]

Dear Sony,

Do you know, even professional carers can be upset by irrational and inappropriate behaviour.

They build relationships with those they care for, and if they are aggressive, sometimes take it personally.

That is why so many choose the work they do, because they care.

 

[Lila13]

Yes, it's those sudden changes can be most distressing, may also trigger off memories of former violence (long suppressed)

I didn't get the impression that my mother's carers had had much training

I'm remembering a woman in hospital who bit a nurse, and the next day "did I bite you? I'm so sorry" she gave her a bottle of scent as compensation. When my mother hit the carers in the care home I reminded her of that but she said "I don't bite, my teeth might come out" She was not apologetic. The carer on duty said I've been warned not to touch her.

I wonder what carers/nurses are taught to do when a client/patient is violent? You have to look after your own safety first, don't you?

 

[Brucie]

I wonder what carers/nurses are taught to do when a client/patient is violent? You have to look after your own safety first, don't you?

In Jan's home, I have observed such situations with other residents.

The carers simply stand by the person concerned, to ensure they can't damage themselves or another resident.

They talk calmly and patiently to the person and encourage them to sit down. sometimes several care assistants need to be there, to defuse the situation.

The residents will generally get on better with some carers than with others, so the carers try and get in one of their number who will be received better by the resident.

I'm not talking extreme violence here, just agitation at a high degree, with injury possible to all parties, and all sorts of collateral damage. Some of the residents are very strong, whether or not they are physically large.

 

[Margarita]

I went on a course that gave me some tips

I hope I can explain it , shall look for the book they gave me later , but hear go

Try to keep the YOU out of the conversation, don’t put it on to them, trun it around on to you , it was really hard trying to take the YOUout.

Like when you say “you make me feel sad, say I feel sad because sometime I get tried with haveing to do it all myself .


[QUOTE
C is this jumper ok
S you always ask me that
C well sometimes you dont like what I choose
S YOU BLOODY LIAR I ALWAYS LIKE WHAT YOU CHOOSE
S then has the hump
[/QUOTE]


Susan you always ask me that
Cris , well sometimes I get it wrong

Cris I am sorry , I made a mistake .

 

[Grannie G]

Dear Margarita,

Please find the book and tell me the title, the author and publisher. I like the example you gave.

It looks like a slant on the Buddhist philosophy, which is to get rid of the Ego.

Oh if only we had the mental strength to follow these paths. Think of all the conflict and misunderstanding that could be avoided.

There`s no harm in knowing and trying.

With love

 

[Margarita]

It was run by the NHS “self management looking after you” for carer’s.

My social worker put me on to it , it was a 6 weeks course . of I go to look for the book

 

[mocha]

If my husband is aggressive and I am told about I find myself apologising and saying "he really isn't like this" In the NH home he is in now the staff are so experienced that they don't seem to have any problems with him.
I think that no matter how many times you are told it's "the illness" you still feel guilty for them. Luckily any aggresion seems to have gone away [fingers crossed]
We can only live day to day..........

Aileen

 

[Margarita]

Ok Found the Book

Self -Management of Long -term Heath Conditions

A Handbook for people with chronic Disease . NHS Expert partients programme bull publishing company Boulder, Colorado USA .

I got the book free when I done the course , if you have a local Royal princes trust carer group they may have one




Many of us are uncomfortable expressing our feeling this discomfort can be acute if doing so means we might seem critical of the person we’re talking to.

Especially if emotions’ are high attempts to express frustration can laden with “you” messages that suggest blame .Its direction is toward the other person causing the other person to feel as though he or she is under attract .Suddenly, the other person feels on the defensive and protective barriers go up .The person trying to express feeling , in turn feels greater anxiety when faced with there defensive barriers and the situation escalates to anger , frustration , and dad feelings ,


It Says The use of the “I” don’t strike our or blame .It is another form of communication that helps to express how you feel , rather than how the other person make you feel .Hear are some examples of the “I” messages

“You” messages, Why are you always late? we never get anywhere on time .

“I” messages I get really upset when I’m late .Its important to Me to be on time .

“you” There’s no way you can understand how bad I feel

“I” Message I’m not feeling well. I could really do with littlie help today.

Watch out for the hidden “you” messages .There are “you “messages with “I” feel …” stuck in front of them .Here’s an example:

“You” Message : you always walk to quickly .

HIDDEN “you message I feel angry when you walk so quickly.

“I” message : I feel it difficult to walk quickly .


so thats why I thought when talking to someone with AZ , they may feel like this more so because of all the Confusion that the disease is doing to the brain , so Susan must have been hyper sensitive and call cris a liar and Susan get more upset ,

Its direction is toward the other person causing the other person to feel as though he or she is under attract .Suddenly, the other person feels on the defensive and protective barriers go up .The person trying to express feeling , in turn feels greater anxiety when faced with there defensive barriers and the situation escalates to anger , frustration , and dad feelings ,

so then using that type of communication may avoid Susan getting upset in the future, in doing so helping cris in his careing role

 

[Grannie G]

Thanks Maggie, A lot of food for thought here. I`m going to copy what you`ve written in case I can`t get a copy of the book. With love

 

[cris]

Excellent example Maggie. Very well highlighted. I think that there will be a big rush on Amazon, and the book stores.
thank you cris

 

[Brucie]

I've been trying to locate the book - could this be it Margarita?

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Patient-Sel...5108665?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1173685260&sr=1-1

For goodness sake don't buy it anyone unless Margarita confirms it is what she has. There are similarities with what she has described, but it appears not to be identical...

Here is the Expert Patients place http://www.expertpatients.nhs.uk/public/default.aspx?load=publications

Was this the course? http://www.expertpatients.nhs.uk/public/default.aspx?load=ArticleViewer&ArticleId=443

 

[cris]

Maggie, if you could look in the book at the title page, there is an ISBN number.
I have noticed some books hide it somewhere - back page, or somewhere else.
This "ISBN1234567890" is unique for each book title.
I does help some people to scan google or amazon.
To google it just type in the ISBN........... number and it should be found.
cris

 

[Lila13]

My aunt made my mother apologise to me but that was about as sincere as enforced apologies usually are. She still thought she had a right to hit anyone who did anything she didn't like.

In the respite home they seemed to have sent her to Coventry, but it may have been the other way round, she may have chosen to go and sit by herself and sulk. The "girl" on duty had been warned not to touch her.

I was afraid of them sending her somewhere worse, I said I hope they won't expel you for bad behaviour, she said "I'd prefer to put it, being sent into political exile".

She gave the people in the home titles, they were the duchess, the countess, the prince consort.

(I didn't get the impression that the "girls" had had much training, or that they were particularly interested, perhaps it was the only job they could get, to stay in England, most of them speaking very little English, and they were certainly better than nothing. Their labour was probably sadly lacking in their own countries.)

 

[cris]

Lila, she still had a sence of humour
cris

 

[Margarita]

Yes Brucie that was the course

http://www.expertpatients.nhs.uk/public/default.aspx?load=ArticleViewer&ArticleId=443

The web site for the course book is www.tso.co.uk ( as that what it says on the back of the book ) but I could not find the book , as may be I am typeing the wrong name .


Not sure if the NHS book is the same as the Amazon one , that I saw from the link Brucie left , as the cover is different, if would be a good read if you can’t get on the course www.tso.co.uk

I found the course really help full as I went on it as I was really stress, and it use to be on the days that my mother went to daycentre . It was a mix group of carers, 2 people where caring for someone with dementia and we all shared and learn from each other and what they told us from the book

We have a meet up on Wednesday to pick up the certificate; we finish the course late last year. Hopefully I can go if I can get hold of duty social worker to organise someone to sit with my mother, as mum daycentre day’s change from Wednesday to Tuesday , also as my social worker is on compassionate leave. I’ve just found out, from the receptionist on the phone who told me that duty social worker will phone me this afternoon.

Shall look for the book on that link I left . Its white book with black print on it