Is reminiscing always good?

[Penny-Kate]

My Mum is in a care home and has Vascular Dementia. She has deteriorated considerably over the past year but still chats away about imagined occurrences.
When I speak on the phone, or visit, I talk of memories, play music or show photographs. I feel like it’s something I feel I should be doing but I question whether it is? I will gently chat about who’s in the photograph or the piece of music, and I’m looking for recognition of a feeling...preferably of course a happy one. After a visit yesterday, I wondered if this could actually be quite tough for Mum. Does her brain comprehend that she doesn’t remember, these people, that occasion, that song? She doesn’t show signs of distress and I certainly don’t bombard her with “Do you remember this?” or “Do you remember that?”. Should I be talking about every day things...putting the washing on the line, what’s for tea?
Is there a dementia specialist here that can tell me how to strike the right balance during my chats with Mum please?
Thanks x

 

[karaokePete]

Hello @Penny-Kate.

Reminiscing is often used and I know my wife enjoys that. Music is a definite aid and when I sing familiar songs to my wife I see her as she always was - just for a short while.

 

[karaokePete]

Just as an addendum, have you seen this video - well worth a watch

There are other video records of things like that on the www

 

[nae sporran]

We're only experts through experience on here, @Penny-Kate. With my partner it is very hit-and-miss whether she will remember something I mention or if she will even put it down to her mother telling her, but the moments when something sparks a happy memory are little sparks of life to be enjoyed. C loves music and even my awful singing, indeed I was talking about it with a friend the other day who remarked how she almost always remembers the words to a song when she hears it even if she's not heard it in years.

 

[canary]

Hello @Penny-Kate and welcome to DTP

I am not sure what you are looking for when you ask if there are any dementia specialists. If you want a doctors report, then Im afraid you wont find it here because we are a group of people who are caring for people with dementia. What you will find, however, is a large community of people with practical expertise that often exceeds that of doctors, because we are living, or have lived, with the problems and have seen what does, and does not work.

With regard to your query, I would say - be guided by your mums responses. If she is happy to talk about something from the past then carry on. If she becomes distressed, then stop. Why not try a mixture of things, some form the past, some from immediate surroundings?

 

[DennyD]

Hi @Penny-Kate I'd go with what feels best, let it happen naturally. You will get clues on what works and holds your mother's interest and what does not. As canary advises, take your cues from your mother. Although she's changing, and talks about imagined experiences, go along that journey with her. You know her as your mother and you can tap into shared experiences. It is natural for us to say 'do you remember?' why shouldn't we? It is our way of referring to memories. I've been told not to use 'do you remember?' but I don't see that this offends my husband in any way? It does not hurt him that he does not remember, I don't see that he looks puzzled in that he feels he should remember, he simply says 'no'. Rather it hurts me as it shows our connection is diminishing, but it may still work as a way to chat about something. There a many different views on how to engage. You do what feels right and don't worry about doing wrong - you will not.

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

My mother didn't recognise the people in our family photo album and would just get annoyed - why would she want to look at these people when she didn't know them? Why did I keep showing it to her? So I stopped.

She did like talking about all the awful things happening there (in her care home) but most were delusions so I didn't really want to pursue that!

I found asking her things worked well. So I'd tell her I'd bought a chicken but wasn't sure of the best way to cook it. She would launch into a long 'how-to', (though she'd always hated cooking!) which was usually very bizarre: 'First you put your thing on the shelf at the top near the others, then you get the metal bit and twist it...' But she liked being asked for her advice/opinion. Possibly it was because my questions never had a set/correct answer so she knew she wouldn't be caught out. But if I asked, 'Was Annie your cousin or your aunt?' she didn't have a clue so would get angry.

During the 3 years she was there I spent a lot of time decorating! (Atually I've done nothing!) I'd take in paint charts and a few mags with nice interiors and furnishings and ask what she thought I should choose. Mum always felt she knew best so such things worked well.

 

[lemonbalm]

Hello @Penny-Kate

When I was visiting mum regularly, I used to find magazines very useful as backup, ones with plenty of photographs of clothes, food, gardens and flowers, nature. Plenty to have a chat about and all fairly neutral. On days when mum couldn't get her words out, she could just point to things and I could talk about them.

 

[Penny-Kate]

Hello @Penny-Kate.

Reminiscing is often used and I know my wife enjoys that. Music is a definite aid and when I sing familiar songs to my wife I see her as she always was - just for a short

Just as an addendum, have you seen this video - well worth a watch

There are other video records of things like that on the www

What a wonderful video. Thank you for sharing. I very much look forward to playing more music to my Mum when our visits can be more frequent.

 

[Penny-Kate]

We're only experts through experience on here, @Penny-Kate. With my partner it is very hit-and-miss whether she will remember something I mention or if she will even put it down to her mother telling her, but the moments when something sparks a happy memory are little sparks of life to be enjoyed. C loves music and even my awful singing, indeed I was talking about it with a friend the other day who remarked how she almost always remembers the words to a song when she hears it even if she's not heard it in years.

Thank you for your reply of your experience. I feel it was very much hit and miss with Mum yesterday. It was an overwhelming visit and I feel I need to get I know her again so I was looking so thoughtfully at everything she was/wasn’t doing. I will certainly continue with the music and I expect, just like your partner, she will remember the words. She loved to sing. x

 

[Penny-Kate]

T

Hello @Penny-Kate and welcome to DTP

I am not sure what you are looking for when you ask if there are any dementia specialists. If you want a doctors report, then Im afraid you wont find it here because we are a group of people who are caring for people with dementia. What you will find, however, is a large community of people with practical expertise that often exceeds that of doctors, because we are living, or have lived, with the problems and have seen what does, and does not work.

With regard to your query, I would say - be guided by your mums responses. If she is happy to talk about something from the past then carry on. If she becomes distressed, then stop. Why not try a mixture of things, some form the past, some from immediate surroundings?

Thank you for taking the time to reply. I just wasn’t sure if there was anyone linked to the forum with medical/research background that may have said “Well actually, what we have discovered is...” but I accept that the real experts are those like yourself, that are walking this path and indeed, it seems, there is definitely not ‘one fits all’ plan to caring for our loved ones.
I will certainly be guided by her reactions. With my much longed for 30 minute visit yesterday I was analysing every second. There’s so much of her I have ‘lost’ and need to get to know her again. x

 

[Penny-Kate]

Hi @Penny-Kate I'd go with what feels best, let it happen naturally. You will get clues on what works and holds your mother's interest and what does not. As canary advises, take your cues from your mother. Although she's changing, and talks about imagined experiences, go along that journey with her. You know her as your mother and you can tap into shared experiences. It is natural for us to say 'do you remember?' why shouldn't we? It is our way of referring to memories. I've been told not to use 'do you remember?' but I don't see that this offends my husband in any way? It does not hurt him that he does not remember, I don't see that he looks puzzled in that he feels he should remember, he simply says 'no'. Rather it hurts me as it shows our connection is diminishing, but it may still work as a way to chat about something. There a many different views on how to engage. You do what feels right and don't worry about doing wrong - you will not.

Thank you for sharing your experience and offering your reassurance. I will be guided by her reactions. I understand the hurt that you feel when your husband cannot recall a shared memory. I played a song to Mum yesterday I felt sure would create a reaction, but sadly not. That’s not to say that it won’t on another day I guess? I was somewhat overwhelmed with the visit yesterday to see how much she’d deteriorated but I look forward to spending more time together (when it’s safe to do so) and getting to know her again. x

 

[Penny-Kate]

My mother didn't recognise the people in our family photo album and would just get annoyed - why would she want to look at these people when she didn't know them? Why did I keep showing it to her? So I stopped.

She did like talking about all the awful things happening there (in her care home) but most were delusions so I didn't really want to pursue that!

I found asking her things worked well. So I'd tell her I'd bought a chicken but wasn't sure of the best way to cook it. She would launch into a long 'how-to', (though she'd always hated cooking!) which was usually very bizarre: 'First you put your thing on the shelf at the top near the others, then you get the metal bit and twist it...' But she liked being asked for her advice/opinion. Possibly it was because my questions never had a set/correct answer so she knew she wouldn't be caught out. But if I asked, 'Was Annie your cousin or your aunt?' she didn't have a clue so would get angry.

During the 3 years she was there I spent a lot of time decorating! (Atually I've done nothing!) I'd take in paint charts and a few mags with nice interiors and furnishings and ask what she thought I should choose. Mum always felt she knew best so such things worked well.

Thank you for sharing your experiences with your mother. There’s a few ideas here I may take. I will certainly be guided by her reactions as to how I interact.
There was a time when I couldn’t talk about cooking or recipes or hanging the washing on the line etc because she’d have a realisation that she can’t do any of that anymore and would become sad but I feel we’ve moved past that stage now.
I am smiling to myself thinking of the things I can ask her how to cook that she made for us when we were young...thank you.

 

[Penny-Kate]

Hello @Penny-Kate

When I was visiting mum regularly, I used to find magazines very useful as backup, ones with plenty of photographs of clothes, food, gardens and flowers, nature. Plenty to have a chat about and all fairly neutral. On days when mum couldn't get her words out, she could just point to things and I could talk about them.

Thank you for taking the time to reply. This is a really helpful tip and I can see this working with Mum. Thanks. x