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Is my sister exploiting my mum? And what should I say?

Marler19

New member
May 16, 2021
9
0
My mum (who has Alzheimer’s but is still fairly independent) and sister have a tricky relationship and my sister visits mum once or twice a week but doesn’t do much of the caring work I do for mum. I do need to keep my sister on side and hate to confront her as she’s quite likely to go off in a huff and say ‘if that’s how you feel, I will stop visiting altogether!” HOWEVER since restaurants reopened on 17 May (less than one month!), my mother has paid a total of £620 on lunches and dinners with my sister!! Mum’s on a pension of about £24k per year so she’s quite nicely off but £620 (£80 to £120 a time) is obscene in my opinion. I know the amounts she has spent, and where, as I have POA set up on mum’s bank account and can see it all going out. Mum usually has a very hazy or non existent memory of the lunches. I am SO furious with my sister but should I just leave it alone? I think she is taking the mickey in order to drink a bottle of wine at lunchtime at mum’s expense! But should I just let it happen, it’s not MY money and I need my sister to be around for mum and I am afraid of the reaction if I confront her. Is this upset and anger the price I have to pay for my mum to have my sister’s company? By the way my sister knows I know what’s happening in mum’s bank account. She just doesn’t seem to care.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
4,407
0
Southampton
thats a lot of money in a month £155 a week. can you limit the money your sister pays out on meals with the bank rather than going directly to your sister then you can blame the bank if she suspects. you need to ask yourself, is it in the best interests of your mum and does she enjoy going out?
 

Starting on a journey

Registered User
Jul 9, 2019
621
0
If mum enjoys it then let it be. It won’t continue for ever as your mum will at some point be unable to endure a long lunch. Looking at it quite callously, in our area carers are being charged at £20 an hour minimum, so it’s not that much.
However, I guess you are doing the not so pretty tasks . You don’t ask for reward but I guess it would be nice to swap roles with your sister once in a while.
See how things go....she won’t be so keen when the only place that can tolerate behaviour is a supermarket cafe.
Stay strong ; stamp your feet and hopefully let it all fade out....
 

My Mum's Daughter

Registered User
Feb 8, 2020
96
0
Much depends on how your Mum lived pre-Alzheimer's. If she would usually do lavish lunches once or twice a week, then your sister is just giving her a normal life. If on the other hand, you Mum would usually go out for pub grub, then your sister is abusing her generosity.
I try to stick to Mum's "normal" so eating out is a trip to the carvery or something on a similar budget. It's what she enjoys but it's not done more than weekly.
My major concern is "in order to drink a bottle of wine at lunchtime". I'm not sure if the bottle is drunk by your sister or shared with your Mum. In my opinion, even half a bottle of wine, is far too much when you're in charge of someone with dementia.
Trying to work it out but I think over the same period, our eating out/take away spend has been about £50, plus a few ice creams.
 

Marler19

New member
May 16, 2021
9
0
If mum enjoys it then let it be. It won’t continue for ever as your mum will at some point be unable to endure a long lunch. Looking at it quite callously, in our area carers are being charged at £20 an hour minimum, so it’s not that much.
However, I guess you are doing the not so pretty tasks . You don’t ask for reward but I guess it would be nice to swap roles with your sister once in a while.
See how things go....she won’t be so keen when the only place that can tolerate behaviour is a supermarket cafe.
Stay strong ; stamp your feet and hopefully let it all fade out....
I love this - it actually made me feel better, so thank you…. Yes I of course do all the unglamorous stuff, hospital, chiropodist, medication and gardening - and lunches at Wetherspoons! The benefit is that mum and I get on, on the whole! But you’re right - it won’t last for ever! 😢
 

Duggies-girl

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
2,544
0
@Marler19 I must say that it does seem an excessive amount to spend on lunches. I used to lunch with dad 3 times a week and he always paid but nowhere near that amount because it was always fish and chips at the garden centre or Sainsburys' although sometimes we ventured out to the seaside and then ice creams were enjoyed too.

I have visions of your sister getting fatter and fatter by the week (which may be a small consolation to you) because that is what happened to me and I still can't shift the extra weight I gained. We never had wine either, just a pot of tea.

I wonder if your sister is taking a friend along too because it is quite a lot of money to spend on lunch for two but on the other hand it is your mums money to spend so it is tricky.

If it were me I would be keeping an eye on things. It's not really what you need is it on top of everything else.

Hopefully your sister will end up 4 dress sizes larger and then you can laugh.
 

Marler19

New member
May 16, 2021
9
0
@Marler19 I must say that it does seem an excessive amount to spend on lunches. I used to lunch with dad 3 times a week and he always paid but nowhere near that amount because it was always fish and chips at the garden centre or Sainsburys' although sometimes we ventured out to the seaside and then ice creams were enjoyed too.

I have visions of your sister getting fatter and fatter by the week (which may be a small consolation to you) because that is what happened to me and I still can't shift the extra weight I gained. We never had wine either, just a pot of tea.

I wonder if your sister is taking a friend along too because it is quite a lot of money to spend on lunch for two but on the other hand it is your mums money to spend so it is tricky.

If it were me I would be keeping an eye on things. It's not really what you need is it on top of everything else.

Hopefully your sister will end up 4 dress sizes larger and then you can laugh.
Thank you very much - sometimes it’s better to laugh about these things isn’t it! And i do have much bigger things to worry about at this stage of mum’s journey I guess (though I am SO aware she’s going to need all the money she’s got for carers etc which is why the spending is driving me nuts 😢😢)
 

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