So the rollercoaster continues. Today I got a message to ring a particular nurse at Mum's care home. Unfortunately she had finished her shift and I got a student nurse. She said they had called the doctor for Mum but that the doctor was too busy so had sent some sort or nurse, who then recommended that Mum was seen by a doctor... I guess this is the NHS crisis happening right now.
Anyway the thing is, the nurse didn't say why they were calling the doctor, so obviously I asked her and she was terribly vague. So I said 'Is this to put Mum on End of Life Care' and she said she thought so. I won't really know until I see the other nurse tomorrow. Feels ironic that Mum had started eating again and now they are calling the doctor because she isn't eating.
So I won't know until tomorrow but actually I would like Mum to be on end of life cafe, because I think it is time for me and the home to acknowledge this time she isn't going to rally in a significant way, despite doing so for a few hours the other day. Also to be sure she is really being kept as comfortable as possible.
I am struggling in myself at the moment. I have no motivation to do anything, anything at all. I don't want to go out, I don't want to see people, I am just sitting here, a big lump on the sofa, waiting, cocooned in a weird sort of lethargy. Nothing to look forward to right now, I know the next thing in my life, probably, will be my Mum's passing. She has had a good innings, at 100, but it still doesn't seem to make it feel any easier, the weirdy mix of emotions, the relief we may be nearly there but the fear of that too.
I missed Mum the most this Christmas. Having nearly always spent it with her and currently being in her house, I just miss her presence in the armchair, sharing settling down to a tv programme ( she would have loved The Crown which I have been netflix bingeing on) or talking about news or a book one of us has read. Such simple things but its been a good few years since we were able to have those chats. And somehow she represented a sort of security in my life, Mum was always there.
Excuse my rambling on.