Is it wrong to feel relief ?

Discussion in 'After dementia — dealing with loss' started by ktnic, Jan 30, 2015.

  1. ktnic

    ktnic Registered User

    Oct 23, 2013
    26
    Lancashire
    Mum died @ 11:30 this morning. It was not a peaceful death. She fought it so much. She had gone downhill so fast in the last 10 & then 2 days. Her quality of life since my dear dad died over 5 years ago has been only just above zero. Today was their 72nd wedding anniversary. So much f my life has revolved round them and their care. People don't know very well have been great. The care home was am amazing place for all of us. It s a relief . But I just feel I don't know not grief , because she is no longer suffering but, empty. I have not written n here for ages but I have read it every day to draw strength. Tank you.


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  2. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    5,900
    Female
    Scotland
    I feel relief for anyone who is suffering even when I don't know them. How much more then must you feel when someone so dear to you finally lets go. My best wishes to you for the future and may you feel peace at her passing.
     
  3. garnuft

    garnuft Registered User

    Sep 7, 2012
    6,585
    So sorry your Mum didn't have a peaceful death and so sorry for you that, that part of your life is over.

    I felt tremendous relief when my darling mother died, her death was peaceful but I dreaded her future and was glad that she managed to steal herself away from the torment of dementia.

    Of course that feeling of relief subsided and I found/find myself looking back on my life with her and wishing I had absorbed it all a little more, long for the past and longing for that feeling of relief to return.
    I have discovered this is the pattern of grief for me.

    You will find your pattern too, we are all different.
    I wish you peace as you experience a unique part of your life.
     
  4. #4 DazeInOurLives, Jan 30, 2015
    Last edited: Jan 30, 2015
    I felt almost euphoric on the day my Dad died. His last year was so utterly horrible that death was the only positive thing left for him. I felt slightly embarrassed about feeling such relief and only my husband saw it really.

    In time the grief came. A different grief to the one I'd felt all the years he was ill. It's a grief for the lovely man who was well and vibrant and loving.

    So, don't feel bad about feeling relief. And I am sorry about the pain you will feel when the memories of the Mum and the Dad that you have lost shine through these tough years.

    xx


     
  5. cold feet

    cold feet Registered User

    Nov 19, 2010
    22
    Essex
    My mum died earlier this week. There is sadness, real sadness, but for me the relief is overwhelming. She is at peace now, no more uncertainty about the future, her suffering is at an end.
     
  6. Sweet

    Sweet Registered User

    Jun 16, 2014
    72
    My mum died a week ago too, I remember your post at that time so well Coldfeet... You were going to have a hug with your mum, which touched me.

    This week I have felt such relief that my mum is no longer ill. Very guilty that I often wished over the 3 years it would all come to an end, because of the effect on me, so feeling selfish too. Now I find my self, like garnnuft, that I too had 'absorbed' it all, just have her back for a bit longer!..In my heart I know it was the right thing though to pass away peacefully at 92, knowing she was so loved.
    Xx
     
  7. Gigglemore

    Gigglemore Registered User

    Oct 18, 2013
    526
    British Isles
    So sorry for your loss and that your Mum's passing was not peaceful. She is at rest now and you will grieve in your own time and your own way. Of course you feel relief - it is so painful to watch a loved one suffering with no quality of life and no hope of a cure.
     
  8. WIFE

    WIFE Registered User

    May 23, 2014
    856
    WEST SUSSEX
    So sorry to learn your Mum passed away yesterday - what a sad time and you have my heartfelt sympathy having gone through the same a short three weeks ago. Stay strong - thinking of you WIFE
     
  9. VickyG

    VickyG Registered User

    Feb 6, 2013
    327
    Birmingham
    Good evening,

    Just like to say i'm so sorry that your Mum has gone :( My sincerest sympathies are with you. And No, it is not wrong to feel relief at all. You will go through a whole range of emotions, just let it happen.

    Thinking of you, take care x
     

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