Is it wrong of me to fele this way?

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by EllyPaddington, Dec 12, 2015.

  1. EllyPaddington

    EllyPaddington Registered User

    Feb 3, 2014
    11
    Hello!

    So my granddad has a mixture of different types of dementia and has been deteriorating quite rapidly over the past few months.

    It is now at the point where he cannot and will not eat, and now is lying in a hospital bed with an awful chest infection that just does not seem to be getting better. He has forgotten how to swallow, he hasn't eaten for weeks now and he is so skeletal now. Yesterday the nurses tried to put a tube down his throat so they could feed him because he hasn't eaten a thing, but that made him so uncomfortable they just took it back out again.

    The only way I can describe what he is like is by saying he is like a zombie, lethargic and sluggish but moving slightly every so often. He is lacking Vitamin K which makes him shaky so trying to take his obs can be difficult for the hospital. The other day we had to make the decision to not resuscitate is he was to get extremely sick.

    The hospital are being very optimistic to try and keep my family's spirits up because you can see just by looking at us 3 carers (Me, my mum and my grandma) that we are struggling to be strong. I work in a hospital as a HCA and I am a student Paramedic so my family see me as their rock, their person to go to when it gets tough because I know how to switch off my emotions and focus on the task at hand. And they try to copy that but it's tough for them.

    At this stage I know that if he makes it out of hospital, his dementia will have worsened as it always has done after he suffers a traumatic event. And this poses a problem for my Grandma who is main carer, who struggles enough as it is trying to look after him. I know that if he comes home from this he will just be a shell of someone who can't even walk on their own. Once a strong, independent genius fallen to a man who can't even open his eyes now. He is still the strong man somewhere inside that body.

    Is it wrong for me to want him to slip away in his sleep? Is it wrong for me to pray every night, to every God there is, asking for him to join them once more and leave this cruel world? The Devil took my Granddads memory, now I want God to take his soul and finally give him peace. Is it wrong?
     
  2. Cat27

    Cat27 Volunteer Moderator

    Feb 27, 2015
    10,206
    Merseyside
    What you are feeling is perfectly normal & isn't wrong at all. All you want is your beloved grandad to be peaceful.
     
  3. EllyPaddington

    EllyPaddington Registered User

    Feb 3, 2014
    11
    Thank you :) It's difficult to be in the situation when I'm so used to being on the outside
     
  4. Chemmy

    Chemmy Registered User

    Nov 7, 2011
    7,592
    Yorkshire
    No, it isn't wrong. Many of us on here have felt the same. Death is something we should all accept as perfectly normal - what scares many is the process of dying.

    I thought I would feel only relief when my mum finally passed away and I was genuinely shocked at how intense my grief was at the time. So I'll join you in hoping your granddad has a quick and easy passing and wish you and your family strength at this difficult time.
     
  5. EllyPaddington

    EllyPaddington Registered User

    Feb 3, 2014
    11
    Thank you :) It's nice to know I'm not the only one who feels this way
     

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