Is it wishful thinking?

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Rachael81, Apr 11, 2016.

  1. Rachael81

    Rachael81 Registered User

    I've recently got engaged and want mum (PWD) to be involved in - almost - every stage and decision.

    Will such a positive event help her stay well?

    We're thinking of the wedding next summer and are hoping she won't have deteriorated too much between now and then. It's VaD and related to TIAs but she's had healthy, steady BP and cholesterol for 10 years so no known trigger.


    "I'm thankful for my struggle because without it I wouldn't have stumbled across my strength" - Alex Elle
  2. LYN T

    LYN T Registered User

    Aug 30, 2012
    Brixham Devon
    Congratulations on your engagement:) I would approach your Mum's involvement on a 'less is more' basis. For example if choosing bouquets don't show her the whole range available-show her your final 2 or 3 choices. Likewise with the wedding venue, perhaps take her with you, maybe for a lovely lunch or tea, when you have decided. Keep it simple:)

    Of course, this all depends on what capacity your Mum has-not just now but nearer the time.

    I've no experience of VAD so I have no idea if positive news will keep her well; what she will probably remember is the emotion involved in feeling useful/days out etc.

    Don't be upset if your Mum fluctuates in her enjoyment-all you can really do is take it a day at a time.

    Please keep us updated with your wedding plans. We love a wedding on this Forum:D:)

    Take care

    Lyn T XX
  3. Risa

    Risa Registered User

    Apr 13, 2015
    Many congrats Rachael81 :)

    Personally I would take the attitude to stay positive and include Mum in the organisation. You can always reassess the situation if she seems overwhelmed by too many appointments and just get her input on the 'big' decisions like picking a dress :D
  4. stanleypj

    stanleypj Registered User

    Dec 8, 2011
    North West
    #4 stanleypj, Apr 11, 2016
    Last edited: Apr 11, 2016
    Congratulations! I can never understand why it takes people so long to get married after they have decided they want to. No-one can answer your question definitively but your best chance of involving her in ways that mean something to her and to you would be to get married as soon as possible.
  5. cragmaid

    cragmaid Registered User

    Oct 18, 2010
    North East England
    Wedding hats at the ready......:D:D:D

    On a different note, although related..... Dementia's progress rate differs for each sufferer, and twelve months can be a long time in this illness, even if it is not in the life of a wedding planner/fiancee/bride to be.

    Tell her what you have planned and looked at, but perhaps you can do the legwork first. Don't trail her around, or let her trail you around either, she might start forgetting what you looked at last. Tell her the minimum, and even if you hit the biggest panic ever like a swan serene looking to the world, and paddle like hell :eek::eek::eek::eek:underneath:eek::eek:;):D:D:D:D:D. Sadly, you are probably going to have to be the grown up in the planning......but enjoy it's all part of building memories for the future.
    and tell us first mind.....we love a wedding here!!:D
  6. Quilty

    Quilty Registered User

    Aug 28, 2014
    Congratulations. I would make her a "Mum of the bride" book and take a picture of all the things you choose or do together. Then she can look at this rather than the stress of trying to remember. I would saw things like " the flowers we chose together are beautiful" etc etc

    There are no certainties in life with or without vascular dementia. TIAs are unpredictable but so are heart attacks and car crashes. Try not to worry about it.

    The only other advice would be who will be your Mums minder on the day of the wedding. You should have someone who is there to reassure her if needed.

    Hope you have a lovely day. You are a lovely daughter.
  7. Chemmy

    Chemmy Registered User

    Nov 7, 2011
    Play it by ear. i know from experience brides like to discuss their plans endlessly, but if I'm honest, sometimes it all got too much for me, both with my daughter and DIL, let alone if I had dementia. Just don't expect her to make decisions or sit through hours of dress sessions, whilst you try on every one that catches your eye. You don't want to miss out on the fun side either, so maybe take some good friends along for the long slog around the shops until you find 'the one'.

    I think Lyn's idea might work best. Funnily enough, I've used the 'less is more' tactic with my husband for the last 39 years, regarding buying things for the home. It stops a lot of disagreements and makes him think he has a say ;)
  8. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    Hi Rachael81
    such lovely news - CONGRATULATIONS
    I really like Quilty's idea of the mother of the bride book - it would be full of wonderful memories for both of you
  9. Jasmine123

    Jasmine123 Registered User

    Jan 22, 2014
    Hi Racheal81, congratulations on the engagement :)

    My sister got married three years ago when my mother, who was 59 at the time, was 20 months post diagnosis. I can't quite remember what stage she was at.

    My sister didn't get her to do any organisation or make any decisions as she was too advanced for this. So she dragged me around far too many bridal dress shops until she choose the dress she wanted but then she took my mum to the fittings as that was far less stressful and enjoyable experience. My sister also took my mum dress shopping for my mums dress and found an amazing mother of the bride dress which my mum loved.

    And my mum had an excellent day on the wedding day as so many of her friends and family were there.

    Also the book is a good idea. My sister made an album of all the photos and my mum loved flicking through all the photos.

    I do remember at one point when my mum was being difficult, my sister getting pretty stressed out that she was not only having to organise a wedding for 150 guests but also having deal with a difficult mother.

    It obviously depends on how your mother is when you get married, but just thought I'd share my sisters experiences.
  10. liz56

    liz56 Registered User

    Feb 15, 2015
    North Somerset
    We had 2 PWD at my daughters wedding last summer. My dad ( grandad of the bride) and the gran of the groom. Neither were able to be involved in any planning , but they really enjoyed the day
    Dad was well looked after all day by uncle of the bride ( including dragging wheelchair across gravel from very distant car park !) . He drank champagne and ate prawns ..... And even remembers it
    Gran had a sparkly pink handbag which she loved, and only once threw a potato across the table , only noticed by the groom She can't say whether she remembers it, but I am sure she had a happy day.

    I hope you have lovely memories, as we do

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