1. LolaJane

    LolaJane Registered User

    Jun 24, 2014
    31
    St aughustine fl
    My 84-year old mother with dementia went to a hospice respite car facility for 5 days last week. She has not be "right" since she returned Friday night. She is totally confused whereas before, she was not TOTALLY confused. She will not sleep. She is anxious ALL the time. My sister, my brother and myself care for her, and all of us are up in arms about this. Is it time? Physically, she okay.
     
  2. cragmaid

    cragmaid Registered User

    Oct 18, 2010
    7,963
    North East England
    Hi, before you do anything else, have Mom checked out for a UTI.They can cause utter chaos. It may just be a reaction to being home from care too, I would give her a few days but get her urine tested first.
     
  3. LolaJane

    LolaJane Registered User

    Jun 24, 2014
    31
    St aughustine fl
    She was tested yesterday. All okay there. We thought she would come back to us, at least somewhat, but that has not happened and it's been almost a week now. She wants to go home and cries herself to sleep after "just wanting to walk" the halls at our home. We have decided. She is on the dreaded list. Whenever a bed becomes available, she will moving to her new home. My sister reminded me of something that I said a while back, that she should stay at home as long as she enjoyed it. Well, now she does not enjoy it. I will make enjoy the remaining time in my home with her, baking and showering her with attention. We (myself, brother and sister) simply cannot provide for her as she should be provided for. I cried over this decision, but as soon as it was actually made, I immediately felt the load lighten. Now, I know the light at the end of tunnel is there, and I know we can continue with our care-giving until the light is at our feet. Thanks, and love to you all out there.
     
  4. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    15,990
    Toronto, Canada
    Yes, I think you have made the right decision. It is a very hard one but I'm glad that you were able to realize what needed to be done to best care for your mother.
     
  5. msbgknickers

    msbgknickers Registered User

    Jan 14, 2015
    8
    I am in exactly the same position. My brother sister and I have made the same decision. Dad does not think he is at home and worries that the owners will come home and find us here.
     
  6. Flossie H

    Flossie H Registered User

    Feb 20, 2014
    18
    I have been down this route-Mum has been in a care home for nearly two years (she thinks she is in a hotel and has been there two weeks!!) when I visit her every day we always laugh and generally have a nice time together and if she goes off on a tangent there is always a distraction in the home-before the record would get stuck and she would wind herself up into a real frenzy-so certainly for us things got easier when Mum went into a CH. Good luck I am confident once she settles everybody will sleep better at night xxx
     
  7. LolaJane

    LolaJane Registered User

    Jun 24, 2014
    31
    St aughustine fl
    Sister and I are going to look at a private 15-bed assisted living today. I am somewhat uncertain about assisted living as I understand they are more lax and less regulated. Anything anybody? What to look for? What to ask about?
     
  8. Owly

    Owly Registered User

    Jun 6, 2011
    538
    Are the outside doors locked at all times, or could she walk straight out into the street and go and look for her 'real' house?

    That would be my first question. Keeping her safe is the most important thing.

    Next up, are there organised activities to help keep her mind/body active as well as distracted from wondering where she is, and what is the ratio of staff to residents?
     
  9. Pickles53

    Pickles53 Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    2,482
    Radcliffe on Trent
    A couple more questions I would be thinking about....

    Will your mum need the same level of support from you that she has now? Or more or less?

    Even if there are activities, will someone remind her when they are taking place and encourage/motivate her to join in?

    Will this work for a good while or do you think a further move would be needed in (say) less than a year?
     
  10. LolaJane

    LolaJane Registered User

    Jun 24, 2014
    31
    St aughustine fl
    The ALF looked like enough. Nothing fancy. In a rural area with nice yard. It was clean and smelled of good food. Most of the residents appeared VERY elderly, much more so than my mother. I mentioned this to the proprietor and she said most of them had been with her for a number of years. Typically there are no openings at this ALF. It was recommended by our Hospice case manager saying she had never hear anything bad about the place, only good. It has been in operation for 15 years and the ombudsman told us that there have only been 2 minor infractions in recent years and they were both pertaining to paperwork. We are signing her up. NOW my question is, what do we tell Mom? How do we tell her? We can't just dump her and run!
     
  11. AnoviceinN1

    AnoviceinN1 Registered User

    Feb 27, 2014
    55
    Hi there, echoing Owly and Pickles, my question would be whether an ALF would be enough for your mother. From what you write, she sounds as if she has moderate dementia (I am using this term quite loosely - I am not a specialist). The retirement complex on the West Coast where my MIL lived until she sadly died last Summer had assisted living as one of its care options. My understanding is that this is for people who need quite a lot of assistance with everyday task, such as getting dressed, and need to have meals provided for them, and some nursing care. However, in the complex my MIL was in AL is not a locked facility - residents can wander in and out. People with moderate to severe dementia were either in skilled nursing or in the memory unit.
    It is great that you are hearing positive things about the ALF you looked at and that the place smelled good etc - but do make sure that they will be able to provide the level of care your mother needs.

    Good luck, hope you find the right solution for your mom.
     
  12. LolaJane

    LolaJane Registered User

    Jun 24, 2014
    31
    St aughustine fl
    Yes, they do have wander-guard provisions. BUT HOW DO I GET HER OUT OF THE CAR AND INSIDE? Do I tell her upfront? Do I hide her suitcase and bags in the trunk until we get there?
     
  13. Lulabelle

    Lulabelle Registered User

    Jul 2, 2012
    303
    South West France
    I know exactly what you are feeling.
    My siblings and I agonized long about when was the right time to find a residential home for Mum - AD and VasD but physically well and VERY resistant to the home scenario.
    She has been there since December 17th and is having a wonderful time despite initial reluctance and insisting she wasn't going to stay there.
    We decided, the same as you, that she would benefit from the care, good food and, most importantly, company and activities which she wasn't getting living alone and, my goodness, we have been vindicated - she loves it BUT we had also made the decision to get her in there whilst she is still able to enjoy it rather than wait until it was urgent.
    I should add that she is 88 in Feb.
    I thought we were going to have the devil's own job getting her to go but we were lucky in that we did not have to be sneaky about it. She had been insistent for about 3 months before the move that she absolutely was not going to a home but, in the end, she more or less decided herself that it would be a good idea as, when her friend went away for 3 weeks, she was very lonely.
    Only you can know the best way to achieve what seems to be best for everyone but please don't think that everyone does badly in a home - it has given my Mum a new lease of life.
    It's a huge relief, to be honest and we have been very lucky.
    I hope you can find some comfort and that your Mum regains some of her equilibrium.
    Good luck.
     
  14. LolaJane

    LolaJane Registered User

    Jun 24, 2014
    31
    St aughustine fl
    Thanks, Lulabelle. Exactly what I needed to hear. The facility is locked in a rural area and has a pond on the grounds. I plan on doing a fishing and visiting with Momma.
     
  15. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    15,990
    Toronto, Canada
    My mother moved from hospital to a retirement home originally, then from the retirement home to the nursing home. Both times I did not tell her what we were doing or where we were going. I worried less about moving from the hospital, TBH. When it was time to move her to the nursing home, I took her out to lunch while my husband and a friend packed up her room & moved it. We went from the restaurant to the nursing home. I'm not so sure my mother ever really took it in that she was in a different place.

    Sometimes we have to tell love lies to keep our loved ones happy and secure.
     
  16. HelenInBC

    HelenInBC Registered User

    Mar 23, 2013
    243
    Of course it all depends on your individual situation, but we told my mom she was just going in for a few days. We only brought a few outfits at first, then gradually brought more items from home over time. When she asked we would always say- just a few more days I think...then change the subject, go for a walk, ask her a question. Anything to distract her.
    We always leave from visits at meal time, so that she has something to distract her. Worked like a charm for us and our mom never asks about going home anymore. I think she has forgotten she had another place.
     
  17. LolaJane

    LolaJane Registered User

    Jun 24, 2014
    31
    St aughustine fl
    Thanks everyone. I really appreciate your opinions. Much love
     
  18. LolaJane

    LolaJane Registered User

    Jun 24, 2014
    31
    St aughustine fl
    My brother admitted to me that he is glad Mom will be going away. Also admitted he is guilty/ashamed that he feels that way. I told him that I, too, had the same feelings. It so bittersweet. Brother and I both teared up a little then and ended up both of knowing that we are doing what is best for all. We have done all that we can. Keeping her home would be an injustice or disservice to her. Lord, now I hope my husband and I will get along well after being apart so much!
     
  19. LolaJane

    LolaJane Registered User

    Jun 24, 2014
    31
    St aughustine fl
    Everything went remarkably well. We told Mom that we had plumbing problems and that the water would be cut off for a week or so and she would be staying at this boarding house. When she walked in the place, she immediately started smiling and talking to everybody. We haven't visited her yet. Will wait 3-4 days. Wish us the best!
     
  20. katie1

    katie1 Registered User

    Aug 5, 2014
    122
    Kendal Cumbria
    *** I found this post very interesting because its the stage we are at with my father. He is still fairly physically active but doesn't do much at home, he has lots of fantasies and obsessions fears worries and gets very confused. He also wakes frequently during the night , gets up , tries to get dressed turns on the light etc, he will also open doors and wander out no matter what time of day or night it is. Its all getting a bit much for my Mum. Dad is 85 Mum is 83. She has had enough but feel guilty taking him to a care home. I say she needs her life too! I go to the house regularly and they have a carer twice a week so Mum can get on with whatever she wants to do like shopping or going to the hairdressers etc
    But finding a Care Home for someone who is relatively able, mobile and physically healthy but who needs supervision and encouragement to join in anything and to keep him safe....well thats a problem. I have looked at a number of secure Care Homes and Dad is not like any of the other people there (yet) he would not have a peer group, no one like himself to chat to and many of the activities are all sitting down indoor things. He likes to go out for short walks, but many places can't staff this.
    We live in Kendal Cumbria.
     

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