1. intensityp

    intensityp Registered User

    Aug 16, 2006
    Dad is now wetting all over the house, he fights with mum all night ( wont take the calming pill ) he is so erratic and gets lost in a small room, he has no idea now who we are and attacks mum with the foulest things, he has failed physically beyond belief..(can only crawl upstairs now on hand and knee). mum is at breaking point and cannot cope anymore....is it time to think about a care home?
    I have already lost one parent, I dont want to lose two
  2. Helena

    Helena Registered User

    May 24, 2006
    I believe its well past time he was in a care home

    That kind of behaviour would be tough enough on professionals paid to care as a job never mind your long suffering Mother ......she is entitled to a life too
  3. mel

    mel Registered User

    Apr 30, 2006
    Hi intensityp
    I look after my mum at home.....to be honest I think if she was at your dads stage I would say yes....it's time.....It must be so hard for all of you and to continue like this seems very hard on everyone....your mum especially.......
    I can't offer much advice to you because we haven't yet reached that stage......
    just want to send you a hug
    Love x
  4. intensityp

    intensityp Registered User

    Aug 16, 2006
    i know

    thank you i am so emotional now and always i t is affecting my marriage too, I cannot cope with him now either i have young children and I am just lost...my mum is getting ill bcause she does not want to put him in a home.. I think she is slowly coming to terms with it but she needs to realise that he is gone now and he needs professional care as much as it it hard... i hate to think of my dad scared and lonely at night.. it is killing me and has affected my personality greatly
  5. Nell

    Nell Registered User

    Aug 9, 2005
    It is time for the Nursing Home (IMHO). Your Mum needs you to be absolutely positive about this - so she can quell her own fears and doubts. I can imagine how hard this will be for you when you have fears and doubts of your own, so my heart goes out to you.

    It is at times like these we can see how we become our parents' "parents". With our children, we sometimes have to put aside our own fears and concerns and act with great positivity so they can be confident. Now you need to do the same thing for your Mum - which is altogether a different feeling, but amounts to the same sort of thing. (Much easier to say than to do, I know!)

    Just something to (hopefully) help you feel less anxious about your Dad - I have no idea if this is true or not (cos we cannot understand the thoughts of the AD person) but I suspect your Dad may already feel scared and lonely sometimes, because the illness tends to strip away the confidence familiarity brings. He may feel no more scared or lonely in the home than he does now.

    I think you were right on target when you said "I have already lost one parent, I do not want to lose two". Your Mum must have help now or she too will go under. Please know you are doing the best thing for all concerned - even though it doesn't always feel like it, does it?
    My thoughts are with you.
  6. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    near London
    I agree with Nell, really.

    It is awful to contemplate - and then when the move happens, if it goes right, then you realise you have not lost them at all. You have gained some peace in your own life, and passed the most difficult parts of care to others who are working shifts.

    You can then make sure your time visiting is put to best advantage.

    The key thing is not to regard the NH as a form of prison, more a new home where there are others in the same position, and people to take care of them.

    It is never easy of course, because there will be people in a much worse condition - that will be distressing at first for you and for your Dad [probably less for him, though who knows?].

    Make no mistake though, even with all the stuff above, it won't be easy for anyone. You just have to make a sensible assessment of what is most effective for all parties.

    ....then of course you have to find a suitable place, figure out if funding is manageable or help is available etc.
  7. mel

    mel Registered User

    Apr 30, 2006
    My heart really goes out to you.....my sister in law was in the situation that you are in now 6 years ago.....she looks back on it as the hardest,saddest point in her life....but she got through it.....her mum has benefitted from the professional 24/7 care and my sister in law has found a certain amount of inner peace....
    Just remember we're here for you to give as much support as we can...
    Take care
    Love xx
  8. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    Hiya intensityp,
    Come on, answer your own question.
    You have to help mum to make the decision - I doubt that she wants the guilt of making it alone. Tell her that it is too much for any one person to look after your dad alone, tell her that you feel the time has come and that you will help her - that would be my advice.
    It may in fact be that once dad is in a NH you see some improvement - despite his dementia he will be picking up on your mum's anxiety and depression, and probably feels insecure himself. When he moves to his new home he will be in a secure environment; people will help him deal with his incontinence; ifit is all on one level, or has a lift, he will not have to deal with stairs.
    Come on; start looking, start making enquiries, start planning the future, don't wait until there is a crisis, take control. Do it for your mum and dad, do it for yourself , do it for your marriage and your children. I know it is hard, I know how much it hurts, but I do think it is the right thing.
    Love Helen
  9. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    I was wondering while they make the assessment for your dad to go into a care home, why not ring the emergency duty social worker to see what help they can offer your dad for the Now . On the other hand, do you already have that in place?
  10. intensityp

    intensityp Registered User

    Aug 16, 2006
    denial adn siblings

    I have discussed greatly at lengths with my mum about care homes ...the pro's and cons... mostly the pro's... she thinks now that respite care for a week might help and again I tell her that it wont make him better .. it just gives her a week off...she tried to call the person who deals with all this today..but...she is on holiday (no one else available) and wont be back til next monday
    I am trying to be so positive about a care home and I think she takes it on board sometimes but I am not sure what my brother and sisters think..we discuss dad but care home is taboo!
    My neighbour died this morning after a series of strokes, she was not that old and will be sadly missed...she cared for her huband for 8 years and has now died shortly after he passed away....I cant let that happen to my mum.
  11. intensityp

    intensityp Registered User

    Aug 16, 2006
    He has not had an assessment yet because my mum hasn't and wont reach that point yet... i do not know the number for the emergency duty social worker and am unsure if my mum has it..I think not..what does the edsw do? any help would be great..thanks
  12. Kathleen

    Kathleen Registered User

    Mar 12, 2005
    West Sussex
    I am sorry your family are having a hard time at the moment, I tend to agree with others that it might be the best thing for your Dad to be in a care home, for his sake as well as your Mum's.

    I can see it will be hard on your Mum, he is her husband and moving him into a home will mean the end of this chapter of their lives, that must be a horrible feeling, but it is no-ones fault.

    I would try phoning his consultant or GP today and telling them the situation and stressing how bad the situation is for evereyone.they may be able to help.

    This is what happened when we needed emergency care for my Mum, following Dad's sudden stroke, the psychiatrist rang us back within a few minutes with two homes where she could go straight away.

    Worth a try anyway.

    Be firm, tell them all the facts, and hopefully you will get the help you all need at the moment.

  13. rummy

    rummy Registered User

    Jul 15, 2005
    I can only agree with everyone else. It is the best thing to do. We are two months into my Mom being in a home and life is better for her and my Dad now. It will never be optimum, but it is as good as it can be under the circumstances. I knew it was coming, I knew I should be looking at homes before there was a crisis but didn't do it. Then Mom wandered out of the house in the middle of the night and tried to get into a strangers house, scaring them half to death. The police were called and we put Mom in a assessment unit. The doctor told me my Dad waited a year too long to put her in a NH.
    Take care and I hope everything works out.
  14. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    Toronto, Canada
    It's time

    You know in your heart it is time. And we here at TP are more than happy to confirm that for you, in our various opinions, most of which are better worded than mine. It's the best thing (in the circumstances) for everyone.
  15. mcannon

    mcannon Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    I was going to post my own thread on the subject of my own father but as his situation is almost identical to that of the your's i thought it worth posting here.

    He has just returned from a spell in hospital which was brought on by years' of drinking which led, along with a lack of food and nutrients, to him being in a very weak state. At one point we thought we might lose him.

    He has now been discharged having grown stronger and with no obvious medical problems, but he has instantly returned to his old ways; constantly looking for money for drink, not washing or shaving, urinating around the house and wandering up the road at all hours on the off chance of getting some drink or cigarettes (he returned with a slight cut the other day).

    Obviously my mother (or myself) cannot cope and we have already decided that he can no longer remain at home. Infact we were wary about him being discharged at all but, on the advice of the hospital social workers, decided that he had improved sufficiently to see how things developed. The problem is that whilst he has mental problems, he still has sufficient awareness (most of the time) to be able to refuse help and any move away from home.

    As we have a visit from the social worker tomorrow, what would people suggest as to how best to approach the situation?
  16. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    NW England
    Hi, mcannon and welcome. Whoever said your dad had no obvious medical problems??? Excessive drinking (of alcohol) is a disease and your dad - as well as you and others who care for him need support.....

    My only advice at this time is to tell the truth - know too well how 'addicts' and their carers 'cover up' the extent of addictions and the effects on all .... and can 'lose out' .... out of some misguided embarrassment, maybe, when there is help available.....

    No saint myself...., by the way....

    Wish you best of luck for tomorrow.....

    Love, Karen, x
  17. Sandy

    Sandy Registered User

    Mar 23, 2005
    Hi mcannon,

    Sorry to hear about your family's dilemma. While you father was in hospital did you get a specific diagnosis of his "mental problems"? Such a diagnosis might help to work out the best possible treatment options for him and give you and your mother a better idea of what to expect in future.

    There are some specific dementia-like conditions associated with long-term alcohol abuse. One of the more well-known ones is Korsakoff's which the Alzheimer's Society has a fact sheet on. This might not have anything to do with your father's condition, but the fact sheet does give some idea of how long-term alcohol abuse can affect the mind:


    Hope the meeting with the social worker results in some positive outcomes. Just be prepared to be blunt about what you and your mother have experieced and the fact that your dad is still very much a vulnerable person at risk.

    Take care,

  18. intensityp

    intensityp Registered User

    Aug 16, 2006
    i can't

    My mum now thinks that his aggressiveness during the night is because she put him to bed early (as he wants to go) and maybe he wakes up alone in the evening and gets annoyed because she left him alone...so her new solution is going to bed early (maybe 6.30pm) to see if this helps..
    I told her to tell the respite care head nurse ( he attends this 3 days a week) how he is with my mum but she is scared to tell her incase they wont take him anymore because she mentions aggressive! She has a male social worker who is coming this friday ( who is useless ) and i implored her to tell him..... I can't go over my mums head because she dosen't accept it and wants to control the situation and i don't want to go behind her back. I dont know what to do for the best... i feel guilty even talking on here
  19. rummy

    rummy Registered User

    Jul 15, 2005
    It is frustrating to watch and not be able to get them the help they really need. All I could do is watch the train wreck unfold in front of me. I knew eventually something would happen that would make the decision for them ( ie. my Mom wandering off in the middle of thenight in her undies and the sheriff was called when she tried to get into a strangers house) She went into assessment and then onto a NH where she is now. Prior to that, my Mom thought my Dad was a stranger that was going to cut her throat......she could have easily clunked him in the head when he wasn't looking thinking she was protecting herself.
    All I could do was be there to help, and be frustrated because I knew the situation was worsening and there was nothing I could do to change any of it.
    Problem is, they are still adults, still in control of their lives and we are their children, no matter how dimented and unreasonable they are..........they tell us what to do , not vice versa. ( in their minds anyway)
    Just try to do whatever you need to do to keep your Mom safe. If it is indeed violent in their house, call the police or eventually someone else will. Abuse is abuse no matter if it is caused by someone brain damaged or psychologically damaged. If your Dad does go into the hospital, or for assessment, be sure to tell them about his alcohol use. I had to tell the medical staff about Mom's because it explained her shaking uncontrolably for two straight days. Might add again that she is so much better since going into the NH.
    Don't feel guilty either, it isn't like you are trying to put them away to acquire the family jewels:eek: , you are trying to help.
    take care,
  20. dianeh

    dianeh Registered User

    Jun 25, 2005
    Start now with getting you dad into a care home as it takes for ever!! Especially if you are not paying privately. You need to get in touch with your Doctor and referred to a Social Worker and then be given a care plan and then they will have to go to panel to agree to your dad going into a home and in the meantime you will be put on hold when the social worker goes on their holiday or takes a few weeks sickie!


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