Is it time for a home? Dad is getting worse and I am seeing 2 x counsellors to cope..

[JoJo36]

Help me... please...

My Dad is getting a lot worse and I am struggling so much as I have NO support from my brother or family.... My brother has been unbelievably cruel and unsupportive and just insults and criticise me on a daily basis as he doesn’t think I do anything??!!! I work a 12hr day then come home and care for my Dad (I live with Dad) and have cared for him for 4.5 years with zero support…. In fact, one of my aunts reported me to social services for not ironing dad’s shirt!!!! Do you know why… because I was too busy clearing up dads faeces from all around the house (he messes himself once a week, sometimes more, and smears it around the house and then refuses to bath). I’m sorry to be direct/crude but I am at the end of my tether…

My Fiancé walked out on me because of the pressure we were under as a couple (as in no time alone or privacy) and I confess I am constantly stressed out as dealing with Dad’s illness is like Groundhog day, same routine, same conversation, every day/night + Dad has got worse so he gets angry and verbally abusive and he is delusional, for example, he tells me his bed it wet, when it isn’t, and I have to re wash and change a perfectly fine bed (adding to my workload).

I am currently seeing 2 x counsellors to help me cope with Dad’s illness.

I am due to go on holiday for 5 days in September (my first break in a year) and not one of my highly critical family will look after dad so I need to organise a care home for him… I know he will hate it and reckon he will try to walk out! In fact, I am 95% sure that he will try to leave…

I feel sick to the stomach of putting dad in a home… it truly breaks my heart and I feel guilt ridden… but maybe it’s time to consider it as I’m sure if dad wasn’t ill, he wouldn’t want me to sacrifice my relationships and mental health….

What do you think? Help me please xx

 

[lilysmybabypup]

Oh dear, such a lot of pain. How unfair, how on earth can your brother and aunt behave in such a way while offering you no support? It beggars belief.
And the breakdown of your relationship must have been so heartbreaking, I'm so sorry.

I hate to say it, but I really think you need to start thinking about a care home. I understand how you feel, been there myself, the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Fortunately, I had to consider my mum's failing health so it gave us little choice.

I would see how the respite works before you dismiss the idea. He may try to leave but there are professionals there to care for your dad in a safe and secure environment so I wouldn't worry about escape. Just try to have an open mind for now, try to get through the respite, get away and rest, then come back and look at it with fresh eyes. There are so many here for whom a care home had worked out well, and you can still show your love and care by visiting and doing the personal things.
Take care, Stephanie, xxx

 

[little shettie]

Oh JoJo36, I feel so so sorry for you having to deal with all this alone. I have a mum with AZ and she lives alone in the family home and is getting worse on a daily basis. I too have the unenviable task of deciding my mothers fate and I just wish I didn't have to. I have 3 brothers, 1 of whom does as much as he can to help but works long hours, coupled with the fact that none of us live close by to mum. We had a meeting recently with the Mental health team and whilst originally I wanted mum to move close to me but still live independently, they have suggested that's it not a good idea and residential care would be the answer. Its a decision we have dreaded having to take, but I fear for my own health and sanity now as with each visit to mum, something awful takes place. There is no fun and pleasure in visiting my parent, and I know if she was in her right mind she would not want this to continue. I wish I could help you more, and I know your situation sounds so much worse than my own, but just wanted you to know that you aren't alone, and you MUST look after your own health. Choose the right home and our parents will be well cared for, then you and I can go on living again. I wish you all the best I really do xxxxx

 

[LYN T]

I'm so sorry to read about your situation JoJo

I really feel as though you are heading for a serious health breakdown if you do not consider either respite or permanent residential care. I was heading the same way and the decision was taken away from me. My Husband is now in a CH. Apart from your own health you have to consider if your Dad is safe on his own. Unless he has carers for the 12 hours you are not there with him it doesn't sound as though he is.

Sorry if this isn't what you want to hear-it's just my viewpoint after all.I would hate for a crisis situation to arise and your Dad had to be placed in emergency respite care. It's better all round if you look for respite for him.

Take care

Lyn T

 

[Witzend]

Jojo, you really cannot go on like this. Please do not think that residential care would mean you have failed. There often comes a point where family simply cannot cope any more - many of us here have been through all this and do understand exactly how awful you feel, even thinking about care homes, but there are some very good ones out there. Staff are not constantly stressed and exhausted - they go home at the end of their shifts, they have breaks and holidays.

Yes, I dare say your dad might not settle easily or at once, but he almost certainly would eventually, and maybe sooner than you imagine.

Would your dad - I mean the person he was before - really want you to be suffering like this? I bet he wouldn't - most parents would be horrified to think of it.

When it comes to dementia it is all too easy to think that the needs and wishes of the person with dementia MUST come first, even when carers are on their knees with stress, worry and exhaustion, but other people's lives really are important, too.

 

[Lainey 127]

Jojo,
As long as your Dad is in a decent care home and you are confident that he will be well looked after then you've done all that can be expected of you. Go and enjoy your holiday with clear conscience and get the rest that you so deserve. You and your Dad will be so much better for the break away from each other.
I am leaving my Mum with carers on Sunday because my daughter is getting married. I felt wracked with guilt but the carers pointed out the alternatives to me - that it was too much to ask of Mum and she might spoil the whole ceremony with inappropriate behaviour. Plus I would be doubly stressed out all day and wouldn't enjoy the day.
The carers told me "Put your coat on, say a quick see you later, and walk out of the door. We will.cope beautifully with your Mum"
So that's exactly what I'm going to do! Enjoy your holiday!

 

[Mamsgirl]

Hi Jojo,

I agree with the contingent of wise and experienced people who've encouraged you to consider what's best for both you and your father, and think about residential care. It's a hateful position to be in and comes when your own reserves of strength are sorely depleted. Can I just say I do feel for you and admire such goodness and capacity for sheer hard work.

My stepfather was resident in a nursing home for the five months leading up to his (expected and very much delayed) death in July. Let me tell you Jojo, it's a lot more work than you might think! Unless you're prepared to "dump them in a home and forget about them", the first thing that comes to mind when non-carers think about a nursing home, there is ample evidence on TP that your role as carer doesn't stop at the NH door.

Stephanie's father could get downright stroppy if his darling girl wasn't there to direct shower times and a great deal more. GrannieG's blog is a powerful testament to consistent and loving care. LYN T puts nothing, least of all herself before concern for her husband. Piedwarbler seems barely to have slept, and while it's early days, CeliaW is as intensely present in her mother's life as ever. Having a look at these threads might help put some perspective for you on how much guilt is appropriate (the answer is very, very little )

Good luck with the decisions you're facing Jojo, you're a wonderful daughter and have done so much more than the vast majority of people would be willing to. I hope that realising you have no control over the fact your father's condition has progressed to the point where twelve hours without care is no longer tenable will be of some comfort to you.

Enjoy your holiday,
Toni

 

[at wits end]

Hi JoJo

I dont post much these days since my gran moved into a CH last year, simply because on the days I dont visit her I like to 'stay away from dementia' as much as possible.

Last year I went on holiday for two weeks, living my gran in the care of neighbours and my uncle who was going to stay with her her for part of it. I too came back to a message that 'SOCIAL SERVICES HAVE BEEN CALLED', I was LIVID! It was one of the worst nights of my life waiting for the SS office to open the next morning....

Anyways now I look back and I realise it wasn't done with the malicious intent I first took it to be. I realised that my 'invisibles' had done their stint and realised it was an impossible task to care for my gran single handed and they had accepted it would probably give me a breakdown. They had been nagging me to make CH arrangements for several months, now they were going to force the issue. But I dont think it was actually about my grans health that they did it, it was about mine.

Maybe your Aunt is just trying to force the decision over care because she can see how your life is evaporating in front of you and knows your Dad would have never wanted that.

It takes time to adjust to the CH move, gran has been there ten months now and still asks when she can go home, but she has put on a much needed stone in weight, walks with the carers every day, and always wears clean clothes! She is mentally stimulated by all the people there to chat to and is happier than she ever was at home, and she has no idea how long she has been there, she thinks a few weeks when pushed.

Start the process JoJo, start it now, you can do it as slowly as you like, but you need to start thinking about it before you have a breakdown.