Is it time for a care home ?

[Buckeroo]

Oh you are so kind to reply. Thank you! Yes one of the toughest decisions and I'm totally stressed now having implemented decision yesterday. Two adult, very elderly parents, different needs, mother with dementia. Last resort - tried everything else but need somewhere for them to be safe and also gain some joy if at all possible. See my previous "rant"!

My brother and I took them yesterday as planned. My father aware that 1 month respite care may turn into permanent; we lied to our mother and said it was two weeks to get them back on their feet again. From that moment its been a stressful and emotional nightmare.

She constantly questions everything; less than an hour after arriving to a lovely place just up the road from me she was complaining, saying she won't stay and has already packed her case to leave. She is on a different floor to our father who needs some peace from her constant hassling of him so she feels detached from him which isn't great when trying to settle her.

Last night when the calls to us from her had finally stopped (double figures to each) and we hoped for a quieter nigtht I'm called to say there's been an accident and my elderly father has fallen putting in his eye drops. Paramedics called as he is on warfarin and they are concerned for a head bleed. He spent 2 hrs on the floor of his room (I was with him) before I finally persuaded the medics not to send him to hospital. But today he is sore and hasn't left his bed and is sounding very sad and very fed up with life. Our mother still ranting upstairs.

I've taken our mother to see him but only for a short while to try and calm her but she can only talk about leaving and how awful I am for putting her in this ghastly" hotel"l!

What do we do? Care home doing all they can but cannot give them 24/7 individual attention. Masses going on but our mother refuses to get involved and has removed all personal items from her room as its not her home and she's not staying!

They cannot come home as they need more care than we can provide safely there. Really at the end of our tether and didn't have a clue how absolutely awful this all is. Thought a safe, very carefully chosen care home would be the start for some respite for us all but it is the absolute opposite currently.

I know its been only 24hrs but please can someone tell me this will get better. Its all consuming and adds big time to many years before of endless caring and nurture. They are so not happy currently and we don't know what to do for the best. but they are also so not happy at home!

Thank you too anyone who reads this second rant and can help. I'm so stressed.

 

[Sarasa]

Hi @Buckeroo it will get better though it might take some time. In mum’s case it was about six months. She was very much like your mum at first and had several very determined attempts to escape. It gradually got better, though she never took to the activities as I hoped. That was before Covid and the home was just about beginning to feel like her home and the other residents like an extension of the family when the restrictions struck.
The first few weeks were the worst. Mum didn’t have a phone on her when she went in. It might be a good idea if your mum’s developed a fault as it isn’t doing either her or your brother and you any good.

 

[Buckeroo]

Hi Sarasa - all sounds very familiar. Especially the lack of interest in activities we thought would add some interest and fun. Only been a day but can already see the signs! Thank you for responding. It is so comforting to know we're not alone. I agree re mobile but currently her life-line but like the fault idea. Sadly my father's fall last night has resulted in him going to hospital tonight for a brain bleed check as speech more surged than usual. This has upskittled our mother even more, so not sure what the next day will bring. Did you ever query your decision for a care home? I've been through every emotion today - most especially guilt. But know we have exhausted all other options but still questioning our decision! Is your mother still with you? If she is I do hope she's happy in her own world and no longer confused. Thank you again for your reply.

 

[Sarasa]

Hi @Buckeroo , so sorry that your dad has ended up in hospital. At least falling in the care home meant there were people around to get help to him quickly.
I never regretted moving mum into care. When I moved her she could seem very together, knew where she lived, and insisted that she could manage fine at home without help. I knew that wasn't true, but it was difficult when she started talking about getting hold of a solicitor to fight her case. Certainly my husband thought I should have waited till a crisis before moving her, but I'm glad I didn't. There were two things that concerned me about her behaviour. One was her insistence that the neighbours were stealing from her, and she could be very verbally aggressive towards them. I didn't think it would be long before she would carry out her threats to assault them. The other thing she did that was a worry was drinking with random men in the local pub, and on at least one occasion she bought men home. I dread to think what would have happened if she'd met an opportunist thief in the pub.
So I think you've done the right thing, horrible though it feels. I still feel pretty bad at times about mum being in a care home as she still is obviously not always happy, and still as far as I can tell with her very limited language thinking she should be living on her own. Mum's dementia is now very advanced and she can do very little for herself. I just try and compartmentalise my thoughts and not dwell on it. It may make me seem hard hearted, but I find that's the best way to cope.