Is it terrible to wish either my Mother or me would die?

Kittyann

Registered User
Jun 19, 2013
53
0
After coming in to face a full day at work after another horrendous night with no sleep because of my Mum getting up and dressed at 1am determined to "go back home" and me not being able to calm her down for hours, I was already nearing my wits end.

The cherry has now been put on the top of this whole cake of cr@p by me just receiving an abusive phone call from my mother telling me how selfish I am because I won't give up work and stay with her and that all I do is go on holiday and that all I want is to put her in a home. I was away for two nights over the weekend - my first break this year and I paid for a carer to stay with her the whole time. I've also been bending over backwards trying to find ways of keeping her home for as long as possible. I have to work because my mother has no assets other than her pension so pretty much all expenditure has to come from me. Also I don't have any other family so I have to try to provide for my own future financially. If I get to her age and end up the same way there won't be a "me" to look after me.

Anyway the whole thing has just made me feel I wish she would die. I can't believe I'm even thinking this let alone writing it down but the whole situation is so horrible and so insoluble and the woman who is abusing me is so unlike my "real" mother that, try though I really do, I find it really hard not to wish it would all just end by one of us dying.

Sorry, this has probably been fuelled by a combination of lack of sleep and my mother having one of her extremely abusive days but I had to let it out somewhere!!!
 

Pross

Registered User
Mar 2, 2013
221
0
South east
Oh Kittyann. What an awful time you are having. And don't feel bad, I'm sure many of us on here have momentarily wished our partner/relative (or ourselves) dead. You get to the stage where you've just had enough and want it all to stop. Especially when you can see no end to it. Have you got any help from SS or any of the other agencies? Wiser, more experienced souls on here will have some positive ideas I'm sure but I just wanted you to feel not alone. Keep posting, rant away, let off steam here if it helps just a tiny bit.
Big hug. Pross.
 

Jessbow

Registered User
Mar 1, 2013
5,677
0
Midlands
Jump up and down, scream, shout, wave your knickers in the air - do whatever you have to , to get through this.

We all know its a **** of a road to journey along, and that you, as will the rest of us, get to the end of it somehow.

(( hug))

You don't wish her gone really, you just wish for an end to this situation, for both of you. Sadly its not that easy.

Where can we buy the magic wand ***Rwind time and make things as they were***

If anyone has one, wave it this way please. Kitty needs it
 
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rajahh

Registered User
Aug 29, 2008
2,790
0
Hertfordshire
If your mother is abusive towards you now, then she will not be more abusive if she goes into a home.

I think you have to go down that path for your own sanity and health.

Of course you should not give up your job, or your life.

Ring Emergency Social Services if necessary, just say you opt out. Say you absolutely cannot go any longer.

It certainly sounds as though you have gone beyond breaking point.

I was up searching for a " parcel" which had to be returned in the early hours too, and then my husband started to get dressed at 5.30.a.m. However I am retired and can sleep when I need to during the day when he is quiet, You have to go to work.

You must start putting yourself first.

I often wish my husband would die too, but it is not him really it is I want the situation to end, and we know that it can only end in reality when they die.

Do not feel bad about yourself, but please do not feel your life is not worth living because it is, but it has to be more your life than your mothers/

Jeannette
 

Miss Merlot

Registered User
Oct 15, 2012
3,261
0
Admittedly she is not my mother, but I have wished the same for MIL for the last two years - well, more like Jeanette says, it's not that I wish she would die as such, but it's the only end to this sorry situation... So don't feel bad!
 

kingmidas1962

Registered User
Jun 10, 2012
3,534
0
South Gloucs
By the replies you've had you hopefully will be reassured that it's not terrible or bad/wrong to wish that it was all over ... and as Jeanette says the only certainty of that happening is death ...

My mum (carer breakdown) often says she wishes she was dead and I am a whisper away from saying I wish she was too - but it's because I want the torment - hers, and mine - to end.

You are approaching the stage (if not there already) where you cannot cope and you really do need to seek help - some damage limitation is needed. Your local authority should have a crisis team you can call - as has been already said you must be clear, as hard as it is, that you cant do it any more ... I've watched my mother go through carer breakdown and I don't want it to happen to anyone else. Ever. Please get some help xxxx
 
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Witzend

Registered User
Aug 29, 2007
4,283
0
SW London
Hello, Kittyann, no, you are absolutely not awful, I'm sure many others have felt the same. However, you simply must get some help - please contact your GP/SS and tell them you are at breaking point. Don't be fobbed off - shout and scream and cry if you have to - sometimes it seems that this is what it takes before anyone will act.

Do please keep posting and let us know how you get on - at least you can always let off steam here to others who know what it's like.
 

di65

Registered User
Feb 28, 2013
786
0
new zealand
Where can we buy the magic wand ***Rwind time and make things as they were***

If anyone has one, wave it this way please. Kitty needs it

If you know where to get one, buy up the lot and sell them on here - you would make a small fortune.
 

artyfarty

Registered User
Oct 30, 2009
267
0
London
kittyann - like others I just want to send you a huge hug as well. I am in the exact same position and have felt troubled that I feel the same way. There is another thread on this forum somewhere (couldn't find it again unfortunately) from somebody else having the same thoughts. When I read it I was so unbelievably relieved to find that lots of people felt the same way - I hope you feel the same now!
 

froglets

Registered User
Jan 15, 2012
7
0
Ripon,Yorkshire
Big hug XXXX

Hi Kittyann, No you are not a bad person, just someone in an impossible situation. You need a break from your mum - at least a week or two - so you can think about how you want to care for her. Can you stay with a work colleague for a week or so and declare to social services that you can't cope any longer? You may wish to keep going to work - I have often found that work was a great distraction from my troubles and it is difficult to keep having time off. I love my mum much more now she is in sheltered housing with 24 buzzer cover, though my family are still shocked that my house phone is always unplugged so that I know it won't ring in the night. I see her every day and most days ( though not all ) she is pleased to see me.
Big hug XXXX
 

Johnny.S

Registered User
Jul 1, 2013
10
0
No Kitty.
My Mum was very difficult before she became ill and now sometimes I think I'm going to go mad. On way to see her now even though she slammed the phone down on me 3 times last night.
Like someone else said. It's the situation you want to end. I think everyone in our situations have these thoughts. You're a good person and don't think any different of yourself. Take care of yourself xx
 

jaybee51

Registered User
Jul 11, 2012
11
0
Essex
Is it terrible to wish my Mother or me would die?

No, it's not terrible to think that. I look at my own Mum and think "there's only worse to come" and I wish for her sake and mine that she won't live much longer. She no longer talks to me like my Mum, that person has gone. You must put yourself first and get your Mum into a care home. My brother and I had to do it recently. It was the hardest thing to do but we knew she was in the right place for the future. "Home" just becomes an abstract thing. My Mum wouldn't know her own home anymore - indeed when she was living in it, she would ring me up and demand to be taken home!

Put yourself first - you've done it for long enough.
 

Lancshiker

Registered User
Apr 17, 2013
87
0
No. It's understandable. The worst part is that you feel it and then you feel guilty about feeling it. In an age in which long life is prized above all other things I wonder whether it's all it's cracked up to be.
 

Scarlett123

Registered User
Apr 30, 2013
3,802
0
Essex
Sweetie, you're just tired out, :( and not the tiniest bit selfish. I am not a paragon of virtue, and have had such a rotten couple of weeks, that I came close to melt down. When I told a friend that John tells me I'm a selfish cow, and that I do nothing for him, she said "well he doesn't mean it, you know that, it's just the illness".

:mad::mad::mad: Of course I know that, but it doesn't stop me from having a burning desire to bash my head against the wall! So today I took my hubby to his club, and then ( as I posted on another thread) spent most of the day, and a lot of money, in our local hair and beauty salon. And I didn't regret a penny. :D

I want to send you a huge cyber cuddle, and can only advise that you need to put yourself first, and perhaps look into full time care now for your Mum.
 

SallyPotter

Registered User
May 19, 2013
161
0
Gloucestershire
Hi Kittyann, your not horrible, your doing the best you can. Its just you on your own, without any real support (both physical and emotional) its no wonder your feeling frazzled.
For a while last year my parents were relying on me for everything, it totally overwhelmed me, just the day to day living with an argument that can't be won. I was never as brave as you so never moved in but tried to juggle work, parents and my own sanity. Now its all day to day, there's no magic pill. I felt guilty as hell when my dad went into the home (mum had already been there for a while) having promised him I'd do anything to keep him at home but if I'd carried on that way I'd never have recovered.
To be honest as an only child you have to spread your energy to both the AD suffers and to yourself. As you know there is both a lot of loneliness involved and also the fact that there is no-one (however visible or invisible) to make decisions or to support.
Please try and arrange respite care, you need to be able to step back and see the wood instead of focusing on the trees and to have some quality time to be yourself.
Take care, PM me if you need, you're braver than me.
xxxx
 

stillcaring

Registered User
Sep 4, 2011
215
0
Just wanted to echo what everyone else has said. Nothing more to add. I'm an only child too and often wish my mum was dead. Actually when I'm rational I wish it for her sake because her quality of life is rubbish, and when I'm overwhelmed and overtired I just wish it for my sake.

Get help, and keep the job. I've started a new job this year and it's brilliant and I know that it's what my mum would want for me in her pre-AD state even if now she just thinks of all the hours when she won't see me. Nothing's really going to make their lives OK now so I think we have to honour the mother's they once were by doing the things that they would have wanted us to do, even though they can't understand that now.

Big hugs too.
 

Kittyann

Registered User
Jun 19, 2013
53
0
Thank you so much all of you for your kind words of support. I've just persuaded Mum to go to bed and I'm heading off now too and hoping for an uninterrupted nights sleep. She seems a bit calmer tonight so fingers crossed!

I think my outburst was fuelled by getting little or no sleep last night and on Monday night this week and Mum being highly agitated and abusive all the time. Plus I had hoped that the antibiotics she's been given for a UTI might have had a greater effect.

Anyway, like so many of you have put it much better than me, it's not that I actually want my Mum dead, it's that I want this to end. In a way it already feels like my Mum has died as the person who is inhabiting her body and mind these days bears no relation to my "real" Mum. I feel so sorry for her that she is so miserable and tortured and I feel so mentally and physically exhausted that there are days, like today, when it all just seems like too much to bear and I just want it over with.

I know the time has come for me to make some hard decisions on where to go from here as Mum is rapidly moving towards the point where she is going to need round the clock care. I've made an appointment with the GP to discuss options. If it's possible to arrange the necessary care for her at home then I will do that., If not then I will have to start down the care home route. Even though it breaks my heart to have to do it, I know that it might be the best thing as she is already beginning not to know where she is anyway and tonight for the first time she didn't recognise me temporarily.

Anyhow thanks again everyone, it's great to be able to let it all out to a group of people who understand.
 

cragmaid

Registered User
Oct 18, 2010
7,936
0
North East England
Hello, More sympathy from me too..and a possible practical word. As you mention that Mum only has her pension for income, if it is only state pension, it may be below the "minimum living" limit and she/you could apply for pensions credit, also have you applied for Attendance Allowance yet? And if she lives on her own she could gain a discount on her council tax. There are ways to fill in the forms so that a full picture is given and I know that most Citizens Advice and Age UK offices will gladly help with the form filling.
Good Luck, Maureen.
 

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