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Is it ok to just let off steam?

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Alakati, Oct 13, 2015.

  1. Alakati

    Alakati Registered User

    Oct 13, 2015
    1
    I have been caring for my Mum for just over a year now. She came to live with me and my partner after a diagnosis of Alzheimer's and at a time when she was phoning me constantly with fears of the central heating boiler exploding, letting people she didn't know into the house and all sorts of other worrying things. She's forgotten that now and keeps saying she wants to go back to her flat. Although she goes to day care she refuses to go into respite so my partner and I have to do most visits to family and friends separately. We have had two holidays this year when my sister has had Mum to stay with her but when I asked her to do a weekend in a couple of months time she seemed very reluctant. I love my Mum and want to do the best that I can for her last few years but my partner is quite a bit older than me and not in good health. I feel torn between my responsibilities to each of them and a growing awareness that I'm not getting any younger either. I know there isn't an easy solution but just getting it off my chest has helped. So thanks to anyone who has taken the time to read this.
     
  2. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,596
    Kent
    It sounds as if you are allowing your mum to take advantage of your good heart Alakati.

    Do you have any contact with social services? perhaps they can point your mum in the direction of respite.

    I persuaded my husband to go into respite care by telling him the doctor wanted him to convalesce to build up his strength. Do you think your mum would agree to that?

    Welcome to Talking Point. I hope you get the help and support you so obviously need.
     
  3. looviloo

    looviloo Registered User

    May 3, 2015
    464
    Female
    Cheshire
    I can only echo the points that Granny G has made. Whenever my dad questions why he's where he is (in a care home, in dad's case), why he can't drive etc I always blame it on other people, usually the GP or psychiatric nurse. The nurse herself told me to do this, and it has the benefit that I can make sympathetic noises but at the same time appear helpless to change things, because it's somebody else's fault.

    You see, dad (and your mum?) are no longer able to make the best decisions for their own safety, or the wellbeing of the people around them. Only you can do that now.

    It's important to find a balance, possibly seek some outside help and, while I'm not suggesting that you lie to your mum (although it is an option), you could engineer a scenario that she can accept regarding going into respite for a while. Perhaps describe it as a holiday / on doctor's orders / social services require it, and so on. Anything that helps her accept it. Maybe she'll even like it once she gets there :).

    Take care of yourself too :).
     
  4. Tin

    Tin Registered User

    May 18, 2014
    4,826
    UK
    Or could your sister stay at your home with mum? I can no longer send mum off to stay with her other children, they don't seem able to cope with her anxiety and it upsets them when they witness how anxious she can get So now I get them to come here thjs at least gives me a small break. Of course they still have to deal with some anxiety, but here in familiar surroundings its not as bad and I am never too far away if they really can't cope.
     

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