Is it normal to forget so soon?

[netsy22]

I am actually worried about how fast I am forgetting - it is 3 weeks since mum's funeral and it seems like a lot longer. I cried a lot from when she died 8 weeks ago but I have kept myself busy and the feelings are lifting. I looked after my mum for 3 and a half years, seeing her almost every day, slowly deteriorating, and doing everything for her. Her death was actually quite sudden in the end and I thought I would not know what to do with myself. However, I seem to be regaining my life rapidly. Is this normal?

 

[canary]

People grieve in very many different ways - what is right for you is right.

You may find, though that it starts to come out later. I was totally numb for several months after mum died. Just accept whatever happens and dont worry about it.

 

[karaokePete]

I am actually worried about how fast I am forgetting - it is 3 weeks since mum's funeral and it seems like a lot longer. I cried a lot from when she died 8 weeks ago but I have kept myself busy and the feelings are lifting. I looked after my mum for 3 and a half years, seeing her almost every day, slowly deteriorating, and doing everything for her. Her death was actually quite sudden in the end and I thought I would not know what to do with myself. However, I seem to be regaining my life rapidly. Is this normal?

Of course it's normal. People grieve in their own way and at their own pace.
Keeping busy has helped you at a time of personal loss. Be grateful rather than suspicious of yourself.
You are not doing anything wrong.

 

[Amethyst59]

Whatever is happening for you is ‘normal’, because we are all different. I can remember people saying to me, oh, it will hit you later. And I thought, wow, can the pain be worse than I’ve gone through? And nothing ever did ‘hit me later’. Just go with the flow. Grieving is not usually a smooth curve, good days and bad days come, but then I found the good started to outweigh the bad. I think when we live with an illness we begin to grieve before death.

 

[Soobee]

You're not forgetting, you're just rebuilding your own life. There is no need to beat yourself up over what you should or should not be doing. As Amethyst59 says, just go with the flow. And don't feel guilty if you start to enjoy things.

 

[Beate]

I hope it's normal because I'm like that too. I feel mostly fine now, and I think it's because I have already grieved while John was alive. I wouldn't wish on anyone what a carer has to go through, and while I wish he wasn't dead, I don't want him back the way he was in his final months. He's at peace now and I can remember him the way he was before the illness. I am no longer stressed by social workers or hospitals and I'm secretly relieved I never had to deal with that nursing home for too long. I'm still a long way off rebuilding my life and I often feel lonely, but I'm not afraid to laugh with my friends, and most of the time I feel totally normal. I've actually called the bereavement charity last week and took myself off their waiting list. If I suddenly need them, I can always phone them again.

 

[Fullticket]

I am a bit wobbly because mum died of a short physical illness, while the dementia we had accepted as a 'long goodbye.' So we had some adjusting to do. But I am OK. I am regaining my independence if you like and find that venting my spleen (metaphorically, I am actually patience on a monument face-to-face) at banks' ridiculous questions that are none of their business (Q. why did I run two cars? A. Difficult to get a 93 year old into a Land Rover and I live in the country up an unmade road!) and government departments while ploughing through a ton of paperwork and endless, endless questions, is quite therapeutic. The paper activities are keeping me occupied but I have Pilates classes I can actually attend now that I don't have to deliver mum somewhere, etc.
If I suddenly crash and burn then I will call for help but, tbh, mum going so quickly was a bit of a blessing for her as she was losing her dignity and it might mean I can enjoy a bit of my retirement now. I don't think that's selfish.

 

[malengwa]

Mum died in December and there isn' a day goes by when I don't think of her. But i've been able to focus on the good times and have put aside the last truly horrendous year of her life. I'm making a hot album of her life for dad and it's given me a purpose and I'm actually enjoying it. I'm learning things about her life I didn't know.
I have moments, mothers day was one, Easter another, but I so sometimes feel I did all my crying last year.
But who knows if that might change, I'm trying to take it one step at a time.

 

[netsy22]

Thank you for all these helpful replies. Yes, it is about re-building your life isn't it?

 

[Selinacroft]

I lived with Dad and so I'm sorting out all his things, I kept meticulous records of everything through years of care and all I seem to have done recently is paper shredding. The house got neglected while I was caring and I have so much sorting and cleaning etc to do. I've been working a little but going back to 30 hours a week next week which I think I will struggle with as so much more to sort . I haven't found that the burden of caring has finished yet, it still seems to be all consuming with paperwork and the like. It's not just a case of finding a life again, it's a case of giving up all of my time to work to get the bills paid again, at least that is how it feels just now. I've had a few wobbly days this week but I think it is all the new pressures stressing me out that have replaced the old ones!

 

[BIWO]

Thank you for all these helpful replies. Yes, it is about re-building your life isn't it?

My Mum died is November 2017 - agree its about -re-building your life again. I went away last weekend for a short break and by co-incidence came across somebody who had lost their Mum to dementia in the same time frame. For me personally to be able to talk about it without 'welling up' was a major positive. All about small steps - as somebody said to me last weekend - their Mum lived for 93 years so 5 months of 'grieving' was really no time at all. First time I had looked at my Mum's death in such away!