1. lyn

    lyn Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    25
    surrey
    #1 lyn, Oct 1, 2004
    Last edited: Sep 26, 2005
    Hi everyone
    I haven't posted here very often but I need someone to talk to!

    I'm mum's carer. I deal with her finances, fill in all sorts of forms for her, sort out & collect her medication, deal with any mail, insurances, household problems (leaks, central heating) etc, etc. I don't want mum to worry about things so I try to deal with all sorts.
    She attends a wonderful day centre 5 days a week. Not Tuesdays tho as I take her shopping every week which she really enjoys. It can be quite a strain on me at times with her jumping queues and emptying her purse out on checkout desks so they can take the correct money but it's ok really as she always says how much shes enjoyed her day & thanks me constantly for taking her out & after all mum has been there for me when I've needed her, bless . I use to have her to dinner on Sundays too but lately she has said she prefers to stay at home on Sunday as it's her only day she has at home. I phone her 3-4 times daily to check on her & I know shes less confused at home.
     
  2. Kriss

    Kriss Registered User

    May 20, 2004
    513
    Shropshire
    Hi Lyn

    yes you definitely needed to say it! I don't know why but we share all manner of things on this site that we find impossible to share face to face - whether with relatives or professionals or friends.

    I'm an only child and only blood relative to my Aunt so haven't faced your particular problem but you're going to hear from quite a few who have and do.

    If you struggle to say all this to your sister maybe writing it down for her might do the trick? I know that can be really difficult as well, as things can be read in totally the wrong way depending on the mood of the reader so take care on this path. There'll be many a time when you might start to rant here and then decide to hit "delete" but boy it does help to put it down!

    Your situation is one I find so difficult to understand - just how blind can siblings be. Its an extreme case of "committee syndrome" where once elected the committee members get to do everything and the rest of the club just expect expect and expect some more.

    Sadly things are going to become more difficult so if there is to be any hope of sharing the load you have to try to open your sisters eyes. Its not just Mum she has a responsibilty to its you as well!

    Maybe suggest that if she doesn't start to share now then she might find herself going it alone later when you're burnt out.

    Good luck
    Kriss
     
  3. Sheila

    Sheila Registered User

    Oct 23, 2003
    2,259
    West Sussex
    Hi Lyn and Kriss, so sorry to hear of your difficulties Lyn. I think Kriss is right in what she says, your Mum has two daughters, your sister really should do her share, especially as you have disability problems of your own. You need to get this over to her without falling out as you need each other to cope with your Mum. Things are gonna get harder as time goes by and your sister must understand that she will be called apon to help. How you do it, well, you know your sister best, perhaps the direct approach, or perhaps take a break, go away for a while so she has to step in, or perhaps gently sow the seed that you are becoming so worn down that soon she will have to take over. I don't know, but some how she has to learn to help you more. Love, She. XX (Suppose you could always show her TP!!)
     
  4. Chesca

    Chesca Guest

    Excuse me! Am I reading this right?

    Here, we have a 'carer', who, by her own admission, can't gain access to the home of who she cares for (nobody heard of a wooden ramp, a couple of planks of wood? no major construction needed here) telling all and sundry how to manage the domestic issues of a place forbidden to her by her own unfortunate limitations.

    Said villain of the peace (twin sister?) is working full time and also being domestic assistant to the complainant, Your Honour, and will somebody please give me a family tree here. HER, the complainant's mother-in-law is getting paid assistance from the Villain? You're married? This is a very mixed bag.

    At which point was the decision made to allocate anything that was anybody's or everybody's responsibility and who would be 'poor betsy' to such an extent that you would not afford your sister a phone call?

    Allowing for my own sense of insense and outrage over the last 12 months, please forgive me if my reponse to your post is not as pink as fluffy as you might wish: I won't be on your side by default! I've done the really **** bits - that's the qualification that allows me to ask if you could, when and if you are ready, let me or the TP know the who's who, who does, and lets me say to you be as angry as you damned well please and know that this forum will provide you with any avenue you want to take, but please leave the urine extraction to A&E.

    Lots of love and support
    Chesca
     
  5. Jude

    Jude Registered User

    Dear Lyn,

    I read your post. In fact, I read it about 10 times in utter disbelief. Quite of few of us have siblings who can't or won't help or just don't acknowledge difficult situations, but ....... I am almost speechless!

    How on earth have you coped so far? if your sister refuses to help at this stage, then unless you outline the situation fairly strongly now, I doubt if you'll get a better response later. You really do need to ascertain whether she is prepared to help at all.

    If not, then the next step is to contact your Mother's MD and probably your own, in order to get the ball rolling to get carers in place as soon as possible. The wheelchair access problem you have to your mother's house also needs to be redressed fairly urgently too.

    A call to the AS helpline may prove valuable as well. They will surely be able to advise as to which organisations can help out immediately.

    Another important issue is food. In my experience, lack of food and sufficient nutrients cause an acceleration of dementia which will only compound the problems you are having now. If your Mother is in the early stages of dementia [and it sounds like she is], then not eating properly is bad news. Perhaps the housekeeper might be able to help out in the short term?

    Do keep posting here to let us know how you are progressing. You need some help FAST...!

    Best wishes,


    Jude
     
  6. Sheila

    Sheila Registered User

    Oct 23, 2003
    2,259
    West Sussex
    Dear Lyn, couldn't agree more with Jude, it was the food issue that was my Mum's "last stand" she had a list, (I found later in her coat pocket), it said Bakewell tarts, whiskey, cigerettes. Every time she went to the shops that was what she bought, she did that for a few weeks, you can imagine the result. (I did check the fridge and freezer several times, but it was always well stocked with basics so I niaevely(never could spell that!) thought what she was saying about eating properly was true. She got a bad chest infection, I went down with my son's wheelchair and took her home with me. She never went back to her home again. I t is an unfortunate fact that carers are not all lucky enough to be in good health or to have just one person to care for, we all do our best, do as Jude suggests and get the help you need if your sister won't discuss it with you. I can honestly say I never went 7 weeks without a visit to my Mum in all my life. If your sister was doing Sunday lunch once a fortnight, could she not at least have visited her once a fortnight during the last 7 weeks? Thinking of you, love, She. XX
     
  7. lyn

    lyn Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    25
    surrey
    Hi everyone, thanks so much for your replies. It helped alot to get this off my chest.
    I didn't for one minute expect "pink & fluffy" replies but I'm amazed that some can only see the answer to my problem getting into mums house as a couple of planks of wood! And as for refusing my sis a phone call, when shes holding a perfectly good phone and requests that I basically pay for her calls well I kinda feel she was taking the p***. I certainly don't want to air my dirty washing to all and sundry but sis has a habit of this.
    I won't say anymore on that.
    I will get this sorted, thanks once again.
    Lyn
     
  8. Jude

    Jude Registered User

    Dear Lyn,

    No - most definitely it isn't you!

    When I was answering your post, I was concentrating on the bigger issues of access to your Mother's house, food and a way to get some care assistance in a hurry.

    Re the phone calls - this is probably the 'last straw' for you. [It certainly would be for me!]. OK, it may be a small thing, but one that would quite possibly rankle more than anything. Your sister appears to be very selfish and just downright mean spirited. She seems to have got p**s taking down to a fine art, in my opinion. As for having to pay her to clean the house....... I won't even bother to comment on that, except to suggest that you keep a note of your 'caring hours' to be offset at a later date.

    Best wishes,

    Jude
     
  9. Mjaqmac

    Mjaqmac Registered User

    Mar 13, 2004
    939
    Dear Lyn, this sounds like a living hell.

    I have found the Alzheimers Society phone helpline invaluable, please ring them, they are bound to be able to give you sensible advice. You really need help, you can't go on like this. There is another org called the centre for independent living, I'm sure they could help you too. I don't know the numbers as I am in Ireland but I'm sure google would come up with them or there will be help in the Alz advice sheets on this site,

    Don't continue to go it alone.

    All the best

    Magic
     
  10. Chesca

    Chesca Guest

    Dear Lyn (and everybody else for that matter)

    I apologise for being crass and insensitive in my reply to your cry for help. I misread your post.

    In mitigation, I have not slept properly for days/nights, have a care-home-induced chest infection and had a glass of wine or two in the hope I would sleep. I did eventually sleep, actually, but the first thing on my mind, believe it or not, when I awoke was you and a sense of foreboding of putting both feet in mouth at once - a gift I am blessed with. I did earlier send you a private mail which I hope you received.

    Once again, please accept my apology and I promise if I cannot at least be helpful I'll nail the planks over my mouth - taken from the two thick short ones used to make my head.

    And to everybody else, sorry if I have offended you and the cause. Not meant.

    Many kind regards
    Chesca
     
  11. Jude

    Jude Registered User

    Dear Chesca and everyone,

    Thank you for your apology. Accepted by me and hopefully by Lyn later on when she reads it.

    It is sometimes difficult to remain polite and helpful when we feel exhausted, emotional and laid low by the burden of caring and personal illness.

    These are the times when we all need TP the most - and also the moments when we are liable to misread or misunderstand others and dash off an answer that we very much regret later.

    It is also the times when we personally post 'major moans' and then worry that we have gone overboard in the whinge department [well, I often feel like that]. To my surprise, my posts at this time have met with incredible sympathy and a barrage of PM's to cheer me up!

    Talking Point works brilliantly in a number of ways. It allows us to discuss every day problems of caring; sort out financial issues; vent our spleen about inefficient Govt bodies; provide support and empathy to others - and at the end of the day we can also relax, be ourselves and enjoy a joke or two.

    Please do let's keep TP going that way. If we can do so, then we will gain many more Members within our 'family of carers'. Sorry, this is in no way intended as a lecture or as an 'official' view from any of the other Moderators. Just my own personal opinion. I hope you will all take it as such and in the spirit in which I write.

    Kindest regards to all.

    Jude
     
  12. lyn

    lyn Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    25
    surrey
    Hi Chesca,
    I've just read your message. Apology accepted of course. I flew off the handle with my posting, it kind of all fell out. Once I got going I just couldn't stop lol. This site should really have a "punch bag" section where we can all go and say EXACTLY how we are feeling and after me you lot are first lol.

    kind regards, take care all we need to stick together

    Lyn x
     
  13. Chesca

    Chesca Guest

    Dear Lyn

    YOU have nothing at all to apologise for! You are entitled to blow your stack as much as you like - I'm a past master at it, would fair put a bronze statue to sleep with my rantings and ravings. Where the hell else are you supposed to go when times are tough or you just need somebody's ear?

    This is what saved my considerable bacon in the first place and I should know better.

    Thanks for your patience

    Best wishes
    Chesca
     
  14. Norman

    Norman Registered User

    Oct 9, 2003
    4,348
    Birmingham Hades
    Lyn
    you can always go to the top of my garden where the fairies live.
    There you can rant,rave,swear and let of steam.
    Chesca knows about the garden and the fairies!
    If the police come just blame the neighbours
    Norman
     
  15. Jude

    Jude Registered User

    Dear All,

    Glad we've sorted all this stuff out. Hurray!

    Maybe, we can all get together and think about some ways to help Lyn out a bit here?

    Lyn -

    It seems like your wheelchair access has been an issue for some time now and is going to cause you a great deal of further anxiety if it continues. Obviously, if you can't gain access to your Mum's house, then you are never going to be really comfortable that all is okay within.

    I think you need to really to sort out a couple of main problem areas firstly.

    1. Will your Mother still be able to cope at home, with part time carers and a housekeeper in place to ensure that she eats and bathes properly and is not in danger of hurting herself?

    If yes, then what is the best way for you to fund a wheelchair ramp for access?

    2. Is she yet at the stage of requiring 24/7 care or very close to needing such? If so, then the wheelchair access may not be required and perhaps a carer could help you into the house instead.

    3. Have you thought about the immediate or long term future and Nursing Homes yet?

    I know it's all really difficult and upsetting, but you do need to start to think about an overall planning strategy now and discuss it with your family as well.

    Best wishes,

    Jude
     
  16. Norman

    Norman Registered User

    Oct 9, 2003
    4,348
    Birmingham Hades
    Lyn
    if the answer to Jude's No1 is yes,help for a ramp should be available via you Nurse and a referal to an OT.
    Norman
     
  17. Chesca

    Chesca Guest

    Dear Lyn

    Haven't heard from you for a bit. Hope everything is OK.

    Any improvements to report or are you still feeling as fed up as can be?

    Thinking of you
    Chesca
     
  18. lyn

    lyn Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    25
    surrey
    Hi Chesca, hi everyone

    Thank you so much for your support, it means alot. I am going to get a ramp sorted out at mums but it will have to wait a while.

    I can't actually believe what has been happening in my life at the moment. My Mum-in-law died on Tuesday and so I have been helping with the Funeral arrangements etc. The Funeral is on Thursday and my Father-in-law wants the Wake to be at our house so we have been busy sorting things out.

    I think after it's all over I may take some time out in your garden Norman and chat with the fairies if thats ok. Geez I need a holiday.

    kindest regards

    Lyn x
     
  19. Chesca

    Chesca Guest

    God almighty, Lyn, what a time of it! No wonder we've not heard from you! Condolences from me and mine to your family on your sad loss.

    I've a feeling Norm's fairies are in for quite some parties over the next couple of weeks! Just hope they remember we'll be needing lots of the spirits and order accordingly!

    Kind thoughts to you
    Chesca
    x
     
  20. Sheila

    Sheila Registered User

    Oct 23, 2003
    2,259
    West Sussex
    Dear Lyn, so very sorry to hear the sad news of your Mother in law's passing. (There is a thread that deals with dying and the legalities, on TP that may help a bit, but you probably know most of it I expect.) Also sorry that you now have yet more to cope with. It's a strange thing, but it never seems to be, oh she has enough to cope with, no, it just piles on somehow. It does for us too. I think you are right to take a break away if you can, it may also help the situation with your own Mum and sister. Glad to hear you are getting the ramp sorted. Please post when you can, expect things will be a bit tough for a while, please give my sincere condolances to your hubby and Father in law, losing a Mum/Wife is very hard to come to terms with. Thinking of you all, love, She. XX
     

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