1. Expert Q&A: Living well as a carer - Thurs 29 August, 3-4pm

    As a carer for a person living with dementia, the needs of the person you care for will often come before your own. You may experience a range of difficult emotions and you may not have the time to do all the things you need to do. Caring can have a big impact on both your mental and physical health, as well as your overall wellbeing.

    Angelo, our Knowledge Officer (Wellbeing) is our expert on this topic. He will be here to answer your questions on Thursday 29 August between 3-4pm.

    You can either post questions >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll answer as many as we can on the day.

Is it me. Have I changed so much.?

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by Casbow, Apr 3, 2019.

  1. Casbow

    Casbow Registered User

    Sep 3, 2013
    988
    Colchester
    Last autumn I wrote under this thread title about a big falling out I had with my sister in July. Here I am eight and a half months later with nothing resolved at all. Now it never will be. I have had to admit to myself that my life cannot be ruled by what we said to each other. I have lost so much sleep going over everything that has happened in my life. Trying to remember what I did and said that has made her hate me. So my last attempt to get her to talk was a short letter about 5 weeks ago. I asked to please could we talk, to try to sort it out. That we are family and should be there for each other. No answer. First class stamp as well!!! So I finally took the step and told my brother. He and my sister in law live 200 miles away and live a peaceful life by the coast. They have had their own sadness to deal with so I didn't want to tell him. So that's it. Family get togethers, weddings, special birthdays. Even short breaks together. All over now. And my lovely husband trapped in his dementia world. I haven't been able to get together with the family for a few years now. Because David could not handle noise or lots of people. So I guess I am used to it. I still have my sons and their wives and grandchildren. So thank you, all of you that supported me back then, and really helped me with your stories and advice. I am so grateful. I will try to move on properly now.xxx
     
  2. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,149
    Kent
    Good luck @Casbow

    I fell out with my sister while caring for my husband, simply because I couldn't give her the attention she needed and because she knew better than I did how to meet my husband`s needs.

    Family fall outs are a sad fact of life and even more so when our lives are tied up with caring for a poorly spouse. The extra support and understanding does not materialise and when we need it most we are let down.

    From what I know of you on this forum it is your sister`s loss.
     
  3. rhubarbtree

    rhubarbtree Registered User

    Jan 7, 2015
    462
    North West
    Hi Casbow,

    It is sad that adults cannot give a little lee way in the circumstances. I thought I did well this year to send out Christmas cards but the one to my OH's brother and wife was returned in a different envelope. Relationship with them has also been delicate. We did have a few years where we could not all be in the same place but did eventually meet at family events for OH's parents sake. Their actions will not affect OH so it is end of story for me.

    But it must be very different for you with your sister. Me and my sisters are so unalike but I was proud of how we rallied and shared our Mother's last year. Only phone call contact now but I know they are there for me. My older sister has a lot of resentment of our parents actions, myself and my younger sister are more relaxed. Some people just cannot let go of the past. Sibling rivalry in all its forms does not end with adulthood.

    I understand that you did not want to involve your brother but perhaps he can help her see sense because you seem to have made a great effort to reconcile. Thank goodness you have your own family to support you.
     
  4. love.dad.but..

    love.dad.but.. Registered User

    Jan 16, 2014
    4,380
    Kent
    #4 love.dad.but.., Apr 4, 2019
    Last edited: Apr 4, 2019
    I am in the same situation with my 2 sisters in my case it was our dad that had dementia before passing away 2 years ago. Mum suddenly 5 years.Twin brother passed away 8 years ago. I tried to get them interested during Dad's caring and since and more communicative but try as I might emails..texts...letters only scant response and sometimes none at all. We didn't have a falling out over anything so makes it more baffling why they are both like this especially as on the odd occasion we do get together...my nephew's wedding last May...I organised a get together at my house last August for the very reason that with no future weddings or funerals on the horizon we wouldn't have reason to meet... .we all get on without any awkwardness. However...since then nothing...no replies to emails or texts from older sister...a phone call from me to younger sister on her January birthday. It makes me sad that as we are now such a small family of 3 sisters..half the family we were... that unlike me they don't seem interested in keeping contact going but I have reached the stage where I just think it can't be just a one way street on communication and have started to accept it will probably always be that way so perhaps that although I continue to interested in them their children and their lives they don't feel the same way about me or mine. I am sometimes melancholy when I see my friends who have regular and thoughtful communication from and to their siblings but accept that is now unlikely to happen with my sisters.

    You are not alone...family and sibling relationships are baffling sometimes for many of us. I think I have always known we are very different as sisters and whereas I always thought nevertheless we were close...since Mum died I have come to realise that has changed for them...for whatever reason they have I may never know...geographical distance out of sight out of mind I certainly saw that when I was caring for dad...perhaps neither feel a strong sisterly attachment as I do...perhaps we have all changed...who knows
     
  5. jugglingmum

    jugglingmum Registered User

    Jan 5, 2014
    5,034
    Female
    Chester
    #5 jugglingmum, Apr 4, 2019
    Last edited: Apr 4, 2019
    We have kept each other amused at work detailing family fall outs in a supportive way. We say you can't work in our dept if you haven't fallen out with someone.

    I am barely on speaking terms with my brother which happened prior to mum's dementia. In fact that is the only reason we speak. Two of my colleagues don't speak to brothers as well.

    Maybe as we get older we become less tolerant.

    I am sadly I am not inviting my brother to my daughters 18th this month but she wouldn't want him or his kids there.
     
  6. LadyA

    LadyA Registered User

    Oct 19, 2009
    13,479
    Ireland
    That is sad, and I feel for you all. I wonder if it's a kind of response to loss, @love.dad.but.. - a sort of self protective thing, "don't want to go through that grief again, so I'll just keep family at a distance so I won't get hurt" thing? Or maybe just as simple as different personalities, don't feel the need for family. I'd be lost without my brothers and sister, even those that don't live locally, and thankfully get on with my sisters in law too.
     
  7. Casbow

    Casbow Registered User

    Sep 3, 2013
    988
    Colchester
    Thank you all for your stories and support. I guess we will never know why life changes all of us in different ways, other than well? Life. We all go our different ways, mostly the way things happen in life, just takes us. I feel very very lucky to have married a wonderful man who was so kind so family orientated, so calm and always there for all of us. The one and only good thing about dementia is that my lovely man will not be upset by all of this. Love you all my dementia friends.xx
     

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