Is it just aging?

[JaneyHP]

Hi everyone. I noticed fathers memory failing slightly a few years ago. I suggested a memory clinic but after agreeing he then said he didn't need it. I've noticed these last few months his memory is definitely getting worse (can't remember names, conversations we had etc) He's blaming it on not hearing properly but does seem to understand and converse at the time. He just can't recall the conversation later. (E.g. I said my daughter has been feeling poorly. He commiserated. We talked about other things then about half an hour later he asked me how she and the children were. When I repeated she'd been ill be said "oh no. I didn't know" . When I said I'd told him earlier he said he hadn't heard me but the conversation we had confirmed to me that he had, he'd just forgotten. )
Anyway. I'm rambling...managed to finally get a GP appt who told Dad that yes, he was getting more forgetful but it was old age (89) and not dementia, so not to worry about it. Should we be worried? He lives alone. Has someone going in to help with meals twice a day. ( had the typical old generation marriage where mum did everything for him . He can't even use a microwave) When he made himself a cup of tea a couple of months ago I noticed he'd leave the tea bag in. Now I don't think he even bothers to make himself a cup at all.
Any advice on how to help him would be much appreciated.
Thank you.

 

[Izzy]

Welcome to the forum @JaneyHP.

I’m sorry to hear about your father. I wonder if it would be useful to keep a diary of things that are concerning you about your father. You could then share this with the GP and ask if further assessment could be done.

You might also find this thread helpful -

Compassionate Communication with the Memory Impaired

The following piece was posted a while ago on DSF and made a big impression on me. It is something I have referred to time after time and tried hard to follow. We have many new members who may not have seen it before. Yesterday I posted it on another Thread but thought it might be helpful if...

forum.alzheimers.org.uk

 

[Izzy]

You might also find this link helpful -

Is it getting older or dementia?

It's a normal sign of ageing to become more forgetful. Find out how for someone with dementia, changes will be different and affect their life more.

www.alzheimers.org.uk

 

[canary]

Hi @JaneyHP

managed to finally get a GP appt who told Dad that yes, he was getting more forgetful but it was old age (89) and not dementia, so not to worry about it.

When your dad went to the GP, did anyone else go in with him, or is this just his report?
I got caught out when OH was coming home telling me what the doctor had said, but later on I discovered that it was all completely untrue. Many people with dementia insist that they dont have dementia, just a poor memory due to old age.

 

[JaneyHP]

Thank you ,Izzy. Unfortunately, the GP suggested a residential home 6yrs ago due to decreased mobility and again at this appt. Understandably Dad is adamant he's not 'going into a home'. (Though both had agreed at a family meeting, when one of them died, the one left behind would do so. At the time, we thought Dad would be the first to leave us as had had a fall and broke his hip. Sadly Mum went into decline during lockdown,stopped eating and only lasted a couple of months)
He told the GP he was just lonely and bored, otherwise fine and didn't want any fuss or more medical intervention. So hard on the daughters who only have his best interests at heart. Refuses more care and dismisses our concerns.
Thanks for the link. I will definitely be reading a lot on this.
Many thanks

 

[JaneyHP]

Hi canary. Thank you for replying.
Visited GP with his 2 daughters ( was expecting to be told couldn't all attend but pleasantly surprised) as we knew he'd tell the GP all was well. I
Also...
Tried to get POAs set up 18 months ago . Downloaded the forms, all signed after explanations to Dad. Sent to GP who rang Dad to discuss. As he couldn't remember who he wanted as named in POA ,GP wouldn't sign them, saying he wasn't mentally capable. So frustrating!

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

Hi canary. Thank you for replying.
Visited GP with his 2 daughters ( was expecting to be told couldn't all attend but pleasantly surprised) as we knew he'd tell the GP all was well. I
Also...
Tried to get POAs set up 18 months ago . Downloaded the forms, all signed after explanations to Dad. Sent to GP who rang Dad to discuss. As he couldn't remember who he wanted as named in POA ,GP wouldn't sign them, saying he wasn't mentally capable. So frustrating!

And this is the same GP who says he doesn't have dementia?

I don't understand this at all. The GP says he lacks capacity. That is definitely NOT a normal art of aging, that is dementia. I'd be having a word with this doctor and get him to clarify - if he doesn't have dementia he can sign the PoA forms. If he does have dementia he should make this clear to everyone.

 

[JaneyHP]

And this is the same GP who says he doesn't have dementia?

I don't understand this at all. The GP says he lacks capacity. That is definitely NOT a normal art of aging, that is dementia. I'd be having a word with this doctor and get him to clarify - if he doesn't have dementia he can sign the PoA forms. If he does have dementia he should make this clear to everyone.

Yep! ?
Also, been waiting for a social services assessment for months. Was told 4 months ago, following another fall, that he was 'on the list'. When phoned to see how he was moving up the list was told he hasn't been allocated social worker yet / not even on a list ,as not deemed urgent. Not helped by Dad ringing them practically weekly asking when they're going to help him. When I asked Dad how he thought they'd help (we're thinking care package) he said, with his bills , and doesn't understand why they won't do that ?
I think it's going to be a tricky ride. Daughter 1 has said she feels negative in thinking it will all be taken out of our hands once he falls and breaks his other hip. Sadly I think she's right.

 

[canary]

Tried to get POAs set up 18 months ago . Downloaded the forms, all signed after explanations to Dad. Sent to GP who rang Dad to discuss. As he couldn't remember who he wanted as named in POA ,GP wouldn't sign them, saying he wasn't mentally capable.

You dont have to get the GP to sign the form. It can be any person who is not related to him, or one of the people who would be attorney - it just has to be someone who knows him well for a couple of years, maybe a friend or neighbour. This person can sign to say that he understands in the moment and it doesnt matter if he forgets later. They can also witness his signature.

If you think your dad would understand in the moment and you know of someone who would sign and witness his signature, perhaps you could could invite them round and everyone can sign over a cup of tea and cake (but best not to spill it on the forms!!)

 

[JaneyHP]

You dont have to get the GP to sign the form. It can be any person who is not related to him, or one of the people who would be attorney - it just has to be someone who knows him well for a couple of years, maybe a friend or neighbour. This person can sign to say that he understands in the moment and it doesnt matter if he forgets later. They can also witness his signature.

If you think your dad would understand in the moment and you know of someone who would sign and witness his signature, perhaps you could could invite them round and everyone can sign over a cup of tea and cake (but best not to spill it on the forms!!)

Amazing. Thought it had to be his GP . Thank you SO much!

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

Yep! ?
Also, been waiting for a social services assessment for months. Was told 4 months ago, following another fall, that he was 'on the list'. When phoned to see how he was moving up the list was told he hasn't been allocated social worker yet / not even on a list ,as not deemed urgent. Not helped by Dad ringing them practically weekly asking when they're going to help him. When I asked Dad how he thought they'd help (we're thinking care package) he said, with his bills , and doesn't understand why they won't do that ?
I think it's going to be a tricky ride. Daughter 1 has said she feels negative in thinking it will all be taken out of our hands once he falls and breaks his other hip. Sadly I think she's right.

Sorry, but this made me laugh. If only...!

I would write to the GP and point out his completely opposing opinions/actions regarding your dad. As I said, if he no longer has capacity it's because he has dementia, not because he's getting a bit old. A proper diagnosis would help with getting access to help, dealing with social services, etc.

 

[JaneyHP]

Sorry, but this made me laugh. If only...!

I would write to the GP and point out his completely opposing opinions/actions regarding your dad. As I said, if he no longer has capacity it's because he has dementia, not because he's getting a bit old. A proper diagnosis would help with getting access to help, dealing with social services, etc.

Absolutely. Bless him

Thank you to everyone who has read my thread and offered advice. We're looking into PoA again and trying to find clubs etc in the meantime to help him with his loneliness.
we'll need to talk to Dad again before contacting the GP, just so he understands what we're worried about.
Thank you.

 

[Bunpoots]

Hi @JaneyHP

Re the doctor:. Your dad probably won't understand why you need him to see the doctor even if you do try to understand. He's already said he doesn't need to go to memory clinic!
It might be best to contact his GP and tell him what you've noticed an ask if your dad can be called in under the guise of a general check up. Hopefully this will get the ball rolling.

 

[JaneyHP]

Hi @JaneyHP

Re the doctor:. Your dad probably won't understand why you need him to see the doctor even if you do try to understand. He's already said he doesn't need to go to memory clinic!
It might be best to contact his GP and tell him what you've noticed an ask if your dad can be called in under the guise of a general check up. Hopefully this will get the ball rolling.

Thank you

Neither Dad nor GP understood why we'd requested an appt. We said it was because GP hasn't seen Dad for quite a while (we wanted him to see how much he'd deteriorated). Gp said he'd advised a care home for both parents years ago. Dad agreed, then when C asked if he understood, that the Dr was suggesting a care home , he said "no way. I didn't hear what you were saying. No way. I'm staying at home.
Dad told the GP he doesn't want to be fussed over or medical intervention with anything ( has had mild strokes and cancer in the past) so it feels our hands are tied unless something serious happens, as in a bad fall.

Thank you for taking the time to reply, everyone. Much appreciated

 

[canary]

@JaneyHP - Getting a diagnosis isnt just about moving into a care home. Could you write to the GP and explain that you need a diagnosis so that you can keep him safe, even before he needs a care home and ask for a referral to the Memory Clinic?

 

[JaneyHP]

@JaneyHP - Getting a diagnosis isnt just about moving into a care home. Could you write to the GP and explain that you need a diagnosis so that you can keep him safe, even before he needs a care home and ask for a referral to the Memory Clinic?

Thank you.
He doesn't want to go into a care home, so we are respecting his wishes and as long as we are happy he's safe, will try to keep him in his own home, with carers going in as necessary (once we can set up.)
It was more a case of GP seeing first hand at the appt how much he'd deteriorated so we could present a case when we eventually get a social worker to plan his care going into the future.
Re memory clinic. I was told I could refer him myself and the practice nurse rang them too. Unfortunately he declined once I'd made the initial appt. One day he says his memory is fine and it's down to his poor hearing, the next day he'll say, ' oh you know what my memory like ' if he's forgotten something. I think he's scared of losing control of his life and losing his home. So sad.