Is it Friday. Is it Sunday. What day is it?

[Nell]

She once looked at me when she was trying to put some washing on the line with me and getting it all wrong, and said with tears in her eyes "why can't I do anything, I'm not an idiot!"

Kathleen

Oh God yes!! My poor darling mother says exactly the same thing. She often says "I'm useless" or "Im an idiot" and is only partially comforted by our fierce denials. The ONLY good thing is that she forgets about the frustration very quickly - but soon experiences it again. In some awful, horrible way, I'm waiting for the day when she no longe realises that she is not coping - but then I feel truly bad because this is to ease my pain, not her's. What did someone say about

GUILT?Nell

 

[Helena]

And theres me with the reverse situation with my Mother constantly claiming i am a stupid idiot ........when i am putting back together the door lock she has taken apart and hidden all the screws for !!

 

[daughter]

Helena, do you think that by blaming someone else when things go wrong could be your Mother's way of trying to cope with her own shortcomings?

 

[jenniferpa]

This must be very common for those who still remember the way they were. My mother is another who says "why can't I do this, I'm not an idiot" I do find it calms her when I point out she's 89 and has worked hard all her life - there seems to be some correlation betwen these expressions and her forgetting that she's not in her 60's.

Jennifer

 

[cris]

I think my wife is becoming afraid to go out with me because "she feels stupid". I do not give her anything to do that I know she cannot do, but also I get worried if we are out for the day and she needs to use the toilet. I always buy clothes that I know she can un-do - belts, buckles, buttons - things we take as second nature, are a nightmare for her. But what if she goes into the ladies, and cannot undo her clothes herself, or cannot shut / lock the door, or put a coin in to operate door or find paper, or unlock door. All these issue's make me reluctant to out far. I would not hesitate to go in and assist her (though I'm sure some ladies would tut) but her dignity would be undermined. But this feeling of stupidity is a main reason why my wife is reluctant to go anywhere.
cris

 

[Brucie]

do you think that by blaming someone else when things go wrong could be your Mother's way of trying to cope with her own shortcomings

Hazel, that may well be but I think an alternative might be that she retains no remembrance of having done things that might have seemed sensible to her at the time - while seeming strange to us.

I'm a creature of habit. Sometimes I will - because it seemed a good idea at the time - vary a routine that is more of an occasional routine.... maybe I'll just put something in a different place. Then I won't return to it for a few days, weeks, even and I will be agitated when I can't find the thing in question.

My first thought is " has someone put it somewhere without my knowledge?" I'll try to track back through my memory to reconstruct when I last did whatever it was that I did. Often I'll remember that there was some news report on crime that encouraged me to hide something better than usual. Then I have to think - "where might I have put that something to make it really secure?" I'll then re-think what places I might now think of as more secure, and then I'll check them out. Often as not, I'll find the thing in question.

And also, how many times do we look for something in a familiar place and, for reasons of having other things on our minds, just not see them there when they are there all the time?

Afterwards, I think "what a daft thing!"

For someone who has any form of dementia, the last thing they want to think is that a situation - that they already know is somehow badly wrong - is getting worse and that they are doing daft things. Their confidence is shot anyhow. So they take the easy route - the one used by many a person without dementia - "it was someone else!"

To come full circle, I guess that is exactly what you said - a way to cope with shortcomings. Not one that is comfortable to us - or to her - but something nevertheless.

 

[Nebiroth]

From experience with my Dad, I can only confirm what has been said.

A person with dementia will either not recognise that they have problems, or will refuse to accept that they have them.

Therefore, when they put something somewhere and two minutes can't remember doing it, they will construct a "logical fantasy" that someone else must have done it. Eithe rbecause they don't realise their memory is so bad - they assume it works just like it used to, and they can't remember their previous memory failings - or because they do realise, but are in denial. In either case, it is easier or less painful to believe that "someone else did it".

I guess if I put my jumper in the larder, forgot that I did it, and then couldn't find it in the clothes cupbroad, I would find myself blaming "someone else".

I'd find it very hard to believe that I would put the jumper in a silly place, or that I could forget doing it. So the obvious explanation is that someone else is moving things.

We've had all the accusations of "someone moving things about" or "everything has been chaged since you started doing the washing" usually followed by "I can't find anything these days".

We've had rows about clothes that no longer fitted and were taken to the charity shops years ago. Dad is convinced that we still have them and that they've been "put somewhere" when he can't find them.

So, these days, I make Mum write down exactly what is being taken to the shop and make Dad sign the note.

It's sad to have to do it, but it saves a lot of bother.

 

[daughter]

Hi Bruce,

Yes, sorry, I should have added that we (people) don't necessarily know that we're getting angry at someone else, when we have forgotten something or cannot do something, nor do we mean to do it, it's just because we're all human I guess. And I would think that this lack of awareness naturally applies even more so in someone with dementia.

 

[BeckyJan]

Hi Alfjess:
There may be another way but can I suggest to find my thread on Ebixa go to Members List at top of page, look me up as beckyjan, then go to all threads started - there is the discussion on Ebixa. I must say though it may be worth starting another thread on with NICE and policies changing. I decided not to buy it as I was unsure that it would make any difference (yet) and Aricept seemed to be doing the trick. Around me are people who are on Ebixa and I am not sure that it has helped particularly. (Derbyshire are supposed to have a policy of not prescribing it but one CPN is reported to have said 'dont believe what you read!! -so still not sure what to make of that either.
I am keeping on open mind to all this but would be interested in more discussion here on it.

I may find it difficult to get hold of as our GP did not seem to recognise it and our lady Consultant will not prescribe it even privately - so I would have to search around anyway. Beckyjan

 

[Sandy]

Hi cris,

You might want to look into something called a RADAR key which will allow access to disabled toilets with space for two and much-appreciated privacy. They are available from local council offices.

There's more information, and some real life recommendations, on the following thread: http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/talkingpoint/discuss/showthread.php?t=2053&highlight=radar

Take care,

Sandy

 

[Margarita]

When my mother retired to Gibraltar she diagnosed with AD after consultant in Gibraltar sent mum for a brain scan in Spain after that the tests came back the consultant put mum on Exbixa my mother did not have to pay for them as they have a national insurance system like we do out hear.my mum was getting a pension that my dad out there and I can tell you that I had to fight to make them realize that, as they thought my mother and father was English and had not contributed to the Gibraltar national insurance system.

When I brought my mother back to UK to live with me, I was worried that they would not give her Exbiza. now I had seen with my own eyes the improvement in my mother .people can argue that it just make my life easier, I felt it was giving my mother a better quality of life from being incontinent both ends thinking the bath is the toilet wondering around getting lost in the street it all stop. I can only explain it as mum was back to the early stages of AD.

When I got back to UK angina I had to prove that my mum dad pay national insurance tax from 1960 till mum dad retried. I reg my mother with my doctor because my mother doctor in UK I felt was an idiot that should of pick up my mum AD before she left for Gibraltar as all he ever told me before mum left for Gibraltar is make sure that she take her diabetic tablet if not she go mad.

Anyway, my doctor gave me all my mum medication including the Exbixa as soon as I reg mum with him. I say in a way if mum never retried in Gibraltar I would never of got hold of that medication on the NH in England . I know it does not work for every on ,but for my mum that only had AD not mix with VD it has work for her ,but then I have read on TP that in other country they do give Exbixa if it is mix AD VD .

alfjess

Ask your consultant as I have read that they do give Ebixa on trial tests in England. In a way, if my mother had been on a trial then they could have seen how much my mother had improved. You really have to fight for the right of medication of Exbiza for a love one with AD in England. And it can get very stress full for the carer fighting for there rights , they just want you to give up in England .

Let the AD progress to the last stages fast. I always say why would they do that to someone with cancer no they offer them all the medication that is on offer , but then some people have to go to USA to get medication that they do not offer in England ,but that’s England for you .

 

[Brucie]

I'm not disagreeing with anyone

Go ahead and disagree!

We're all desperately trying to interpret what on earth is going on and in essence the most we can hope for is to become expert in understanding and helping our own loved one.

As Canadian Joanne said - when you've seen one person who has Alzhemer's, you've seen one person who has Alzheimer's.

Final sobering point.... even if we believe that we understand our own loved one.... we may not.

all we can do is our best.

 

[Margarita]

That link was good read Nada

I like this http://www.alzheimersforum.org/ about TP I think(go to min of meeting )

 

[Tender Face]

A question....

Does it matter? Or how much does it matter? (Sorry to butt in so late on this thread....) Not meant as a challenging question but one I'm trying to understand for myself....

I 'hear' the importance of structure and routine..... but wonder what 'pressure' that puts mum under ... why does she need to know what day it is as long as she has someone to prompt her to anything significant about that particular day?

I guess I raise this question (thinking out loud to self as usual, but any responses appreciated) in light of having been away for a week .. finding she has more than 'coped' and feel my worst sin of late might be molly-coddling!!!!

Karen, x

 

[Margarita]

why does she need to know what day it

It is not so much why they need to know, it that they want to know because they keep asking the question what day is it today? will my mum does .

Does your mum ask you that question what day is it today Karen ?

 

[Tender Face]

Mum is sometimes anxious about what day it is - but not always..... when she is she rings her sister to check (4 times in an hour has been her worst, I understand)... she never checks with me.... I think that was why I was posing the question at all..... I am not where BeckyJan is .....

I am just getting confused between trying to help mum in terms of helping her to know what day it is (we do the TV guide turned over each day - not that she can read the detail but the 'big letters' remind her what day it is) or trying to clear her mind of anything she does not have to worry about ..... and determining 'what day' it is, is something she doesn't have to worry about ..... we have even laughed that I am her 'human diary'.....

I guess when and if she becomes anxious about not knowing it may be different ... can I prevent that anxiety? Would I be wrong to? Is striving to give her as much independence as possible the right thing? Or am I denying her independence by taking too muich control???? If I didn't 'take control', how anxious would she be about the 'missed appointments' etc etc

(I'll get the question right eventually!!!)

Karen, x

 

[BeckyJan]

Karen - I tend to agree with you - if it does not matter what day it is there is no need to 'make' stress. In my husband's case he has lived by his diary all his life. He even now says ' do I need my papers today - what day is it?' - still in a sort of make believe world. He is quite happy that I just patiently tell the appropriate day, however many times it takes. I also go through his diary with him explaining where we are in the week and what we are doing. He needs this to still feel in control. However your Mother probably feels secure enough if you are reminding her of things and appts. that matter. When it really becomes a necessity I shall put up the A4 paper notice as Norman and others suggest.

My original post was on a day when the sheer frustration of repetitive questions got me down. Surely we all have days like that. Thank goodnesss most other days I cope. Best wishes to all Beckyjan

 

[Tender Face]

Surely we all have days like that.

Hi, BeckyJan - someone here will no doubt be able to remind me of the song and artist - 'Nobody told me there'd be days like these' ..... some are good, some desperately bad at times then even funny (in a tragi-funny kind of way) - I guess it's learning to 'go with the flow' that's the hard part - certainly for me!!!!

Loadsaluv, Karen, x

 

[BeckyJan]

Nail on the head - Go with the flow!!!! Beckyjan

Karen: have posted on other thread regarding your Mum