1. Expert Q&A: Benefits - Weds 23 October, 3-4pm

    Our next expert Q&A will be on the topic of benefits. It will be hosted by Lauren from our Knowledge Services team. She'll be answering your questions on Wednesday 23 October between 3-4pm.

    You can either post your question >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll be happy to ask them on your behalf.

  1. whoknows

    whoknows Registered User

    Jul 31, 2012
    32
    Hi there, am still tending for my Father, who has got severe dementia now and its been around 5 years, that I have organised, as per his wishes, noted in a Doctors written evidence, to stay in his own home as long as possible. I am responsible for organising the care, cover care, all bills and etc. Its a full-time task and I have no family support at all, I have got 1 sister.

    My weekends are now spent caring for my Father, who now wears nappies, so its rather some commitment that I am putting in - whilst my Sister puts zero. My life is essentially on hold.

    The Will leaves 50/50 split between my sister and myself, surely the Law must say, well person A does a lot more than person B, its reasonable that if this chap had his capacity, he would want more to go to the person who tends to him, than the Invisible.

    There is a lot more that I believe adds to my argument, but I cannot be the 1st to have this issue and it must have been well resolved by the others who put the commitment in.

    I must be able to look back in the future and say, yes my Father got his wishes and he showed me his appreciation, in concrete, even if someone else makes that choice for him. I am just exhausted with this and do not know where to turn. I want to be recognised in a material financial way, as I've endured enough, particularly the aloofness & sarcasm of my sister, a hit in the pocket is the only thing that may make her sit up.
     
  2. LYN T

    LYN T Registered User

    Aug 30, 2012
    6,968
    Brixham Devon
    However unfair you think the will is it is your Dad's wishes to split the inheritance 50/50. Unless you contest it once your Father passes away (I don't think that you have any grounds to do so in law-but others will know) that's how it will stay. However, saying that how about getting some help for him? Daycare/sitters etc. Remember you agreed to look after your Dad for as long as possible in his on home. Maybe it's no longer possible to keep to that.? Perhaps the time has come to accept some help-perhaps some respite to give you a break?
     
  3. Moonflower

    Moonflower Registered User

    Mar 28, 2012
    775
    Slightly different situation, my mum is in a care home near me, I visit most days, take her out, buy her toiletries, take her to hospital appointments, make sure she's ok etc
    I have one sibling, a brother who hasn't visited her in over 3 years, never phones, never sends her a birthday or Christmas present, nothing

    Her will leaves everything divided equally between us

    She says that she wants to leave everything to me - this isn't the case and I don't believe that she has the capacity to legally change her will. If she did, I'm pretty sure my brother would challenge it. The only way she could go to a solicitor is if I took her and it would very much look as if I was influencing her.

    No, it isn't fair. But if your dad's dementia is severe, I'm not sure a solicitor would accept an instruction from him without a doctor's say-so that he had capacity
     
  4. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    #4 Margarita, Aug 17, 2015
    Last edited: Aug 17, 2015
    Sorry to read what is happing to you with having to care for your father alone.

    Also think of how you want to look to the future knowing that you will be in positive health to enjoy life in the future.

    To help yourself you need support for yourself as it does sound like you're not getting it from your sister.

    Your father must be entitled to an assesmemt for his care needs.
    In doing that You get Support for you in helping your father at the weekends to keep his dignity with his care needs as in washing, changing .

    Have you ask the doctor or a Socail worker for an assesmemt ?
     
  5. whoknows

    whoknows Registered User

    Jul 31, 2012
    32
    In fact, there is financial support from the Local Authority, which is fully used on the live-in carer.

    After that there is food, heating, cover carers, etc which I am paying and I'm not particularly bothered about this, its the principle that 1 person can sit back and essentially stick 2 fingers up at the person who does everything, there must be someway, somehow to remedy that.
     
  6. stanleypj

    stanleypj Registered User

    Dec 8, 2011
    10,659
    North West
    Would you want it to be possible for someone to go to law to change the distribution of money to family members in your own will?

    So many things in life are unfair. You will at least have the satisfaction of knowing you tried your best for your dad. That's worth a lot, isn't it?
     
  7. Pickles53

    Pickles53 Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    2,482
    Radcliffe on Trent
    I don't know any way you can change the will unless your father could still be assessed as having capacity, but I would think seriously about continuing to pay all the household bills and additional care bills. You are providing all the emotional support, and should not be paying any more than a fair share of bills and other living costs. All the costs of your dad's care should I think come from his income or savings (unless these are already included as part of the LA financial assessment).

    If you subsidise your dad, so that he doesn't spend his own money on basics like food, heating, you are effectively ensuring that your sister will benefit more from an inheritance at a later date.

    Do you have Lasting Power of Attorney for finance and/or health and welfare? (LPA). If you do, you can manage these payments yourself. If not, you may have to apply for deputyship via the Court of Protection. There are lots of TP members who can explain about this process or you can do a search to find previous threads on this topic.
     
  8. whoknows

    whoknows Registered User

    Jul 31, 2012
    32
    Hi Stanley, of course it is worth a lot, but its grossly unfair when you feel you are taken advantage of and there is zero support, everyone who knows the real life situation here, agrees with me, but it seems a step too far for anyone to confront her.

    In fact, when my efforts will "only" benefit me and my family 50%, well thats ludicrous and unsustainable in a just society.

    These are very special & extraordinary circumstances, my Father could not know when he signed his Will, that my sister would reject him, become invisible and I would ensure his wishes were met.
     
  9. Saffie

    Saffie Registered User

    Mar 26, 2011
    22,497
    Female
    Near Southampton
    The way to remedy it is for you not to be paying for the heating, food and carer cover for your father as that should all be paid for from his money.

    If the LA is helping with carers, I assume that your father's capital is below the LA threshold. However, there is no reason, if you have LPA, that you cannot get extra help using some of the remaining capital to make things easier for yourself.

    As Pickles has said you are just benefitting your sister which can't make you feel any better about things.
    Life isn't fair but you never know what is around the corner and your sister may well have need of her half-inheritance one day.
     
  10. LYN T

    LYN T Registered User

    Aug 30, 2012
    6,968
    Brixham Devon
    I do agree with others that you shouldn't be paying for your Dad's cost of living. It should come from his funds. As for any contribution for the live in Carer that should come from him also.

    Do you live with your Dad or separately? I only ask because that would be the only reason I would have a will which differentiated between my children. It's possible that your Dad would forgive your Sister for her failings-even if he was aware of her ability to be invisible. Parents can forgive their children lots of things or even make excuses for them. That doesn't make your Sister's behaviour acceptable-far from it-BUT I think the best way for you to accept your Dad's original will is to know that YOU have done the very best for him-your conscience will be clear when the end comes- and that is priceless.
    take care

    Lyn T
     
  11. whoknows

    whoknows Registered User

    Jul 31, 2012
    32
    Hi Saffie, in fact my Father has no cash, so an LPA would not resolve much - unless it would enable me to buy the house via a mortgage ? In fact, that would resolve matters fine for me, as then I don't think there will be anymore attitude sent my way.

    Whilst I get much joy from the occasional smile from my Father, that's not putting food on my table or my children's.
     
  12. LYN T

    LYN T Registered User

    Aug 30, 2012
    6,968
    Brixham Devon
    #12 LYN T, Aug 17, 2015
    Last edited: Aug 17, 2015
    I don't think you could buy the house with a mortgage because you would be benefiting from your Dad's property. A 'no go' for an attorney. Also your Dad would then be self funding-no help from the LA. I think I've got that right.

    You have the answer to the problem of 'not putting food on the table for yourself or children' -just stop paying for everything as advised by the responders to your thread. You are under no obligation to pay. Please stop--I have no idea why you have gone down this route when you are struggling financially.

    Edit; actually I think somebody DID buy their Mum's house-was it Maureen (craigmaid) I hope if that';s the case she will be along to help.
     
  13. whoknows

    whoknows Registered User

    Jul 31, 2012
    32
    Thanks Lyn, its all very trying times, but its good to know there's a community here, where you can get some respite from this maddening illness.

    Generally I get by ok, sometimes it just gets a little bit harder to stomach.

    Am sure there's going to be a way this works out so I have more to show for it all than a great conscience.
     
  14. Moonflower

    Moonflower Registered User

    Mar 28, 2012
    775
    You could vary the will with your sister's agreement. I think it's called something like a deed of family arrangement. So if your sister agrees that you should have a greater share of any assets to compensate for the work you have done, you can make that agreement between you - and that wouldn't require any action from your dad
     
  15. Quilty

    Quilty Registered User

    Aug 28, 2014
    1,056
    GLASGOW
    I too have an invisible sister and I understand how much you resent it. However, when my Mum dies some day her will splits things equally. Its her property, her money and a choice she made when she was well. I chose for myself to look after my Mother. My sister chose to do nothing. Her choice has nothing to do with mine. I will look back with no regrets and i believe in karma. The more you give of yourself the more the universe gives back. I will have future happiness, will my sister? She is certainly not happy now - she is too wrapped up in herself and her own needs. You should only be caring for your Dad because you want to.

    If I were you I would focus on getting help to care for your Dad. You need help for your sake as well as his. It sounds like its all getting too much for you, especially if you have a young family. His house may have to be sold for his care but you should be able to buy it at market rate so it stays in your family. Your Dads money is his until he dies, not yours or your sisters.
     
  16. theunknown

    theunknown Registered User

    Apr 17, 2015
    325
    Quilty, I agree with much of what you say. It's not even me that's become responsible for my mum's financial issues; my husband's done that. I've just been granted deputyship by the CoP, so I'm hoping he'll no longer have to take on this responsibility.

    My twin sister takes no responsibility at all for any family members. In my mum's will (drafted in the 1990s) my sister and I are set to inherit 50/50%, and I'm the executor. My mum doesn't have the capacity to change her will now, and I wouldn't want her to. However, I've talked to my sister about the fact that anything that is paid out by us, in relation to my mum and my sister, is coming out of my mum's estate, and my sister accepts this.
     
  17. Kevinl

    Kevinl Registered User

    Aug 24, 2013
    4,783
    Salford
    I know exactly how you feel, I looked after my mother in my home and at my expense for her last 2.5 years, one brother came to visit once is all that time. Most of the caring was done by my wife (who now herself has AZ) and after the funeral none of them even said Thank you to me to my wife. Other relatives did but neither of my siblings.
    I'd just tell your sister you can't do it anymore and he'll have to go into a home which costs a grand a week or more because of his needs, when she thinks her inheritance is going to disappear first the money then the house she may be amenable to at least agreeing you take some form of "wage" for doing what you're doing, bit dirty, possibly but words (allowed on here) can't express how I feel about the ones who're invisible until the will gets read out.
    K
     
  18. Jenn

    Jenn Registered User

    Feb 24, 2009
    50
    Leeds
    #18 Jenn, Aug 21, 2015
    Last edited: Aug 21, 2015
    It touches me ypur sister is being so selfish. I have daughters, it would break my heart to think that one would slog away doing all the caring and the other should do nothing. I think I'd want to be put in a home and have done with it! It's very sad and presumably it would have spoiled your relationship with her, as its really hard to shrug this off as nothing. In families there is always one sibling that does the lions share of the caring, and the others will think `Oh she's good at that sort of thing, she's the caring type' or some such. It was in our case, and ironically (for my brothers are rather dense) I've often thought - wouldn't it be nice if I had a sister to share things with! Obviously not the case here.
    I think as others have said, you will have to consider more care for your Dad, and possibly a Care Home, even though you lose some of the house money. With us we went through a long period of resisting it and then accepting it as inevitable
     
  19. Wirralson

    Wirralson Account Closed

    May 30, 2012
    661
    #19 Wirralson, Aug 24, 2015
    Last edited: Aug 27, 2015
    In England and Wales the process you describe is is a "Deed of Variation". Note that it requires the agreement of ALL benficiaries not just those directly affected. That may not be relvant to the OP's case, but could affect others.

    Wirralson
     
  20. Wirralson

    Wirralson Account Closed

    May 30, 2012
    661
    It is possible for your mother's will to be chanegd by what is called a "statutory will". It is worth seeking advice from a solicitor specialising in the field.

    Wirralson
     

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