is it bad for dad to bring him on home visits

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by suzie, Nov 6, 2003.

  1. suzie

    suzie Registered User

    Oct 26, 2003
    12
    coventry
    we have been collecting dad from the care home and taking him 2 mums, who's disabled, just for the day for a few days, so far he's quiet and relaxed and mums been coping while we have left him with her, he seems to know he's home and has a cosy couple of hours sleep and spends time with his beloved old
    sheepdog, monty. Aroung 6.30 he starts to get restless and one of the family takes him back to the home for the night.
    This isn't everyday, just some days as mum couldn't cope daily, but the problem is taking him back, he thinks were off out for a drink, going to work, off to australia,.....i try to be honest and tell him he has to go back to the home and some nights he remembers it and some nights he has no idea where we are....the other night i had to smile because straight after i signed the visitors book he picked up the pen and signed it too,
    with his name and my mums address, he's very sweet like a child when he's in a good mood. The nights he'll say 'we're not back at this f...... b...... stinking place are we its harder to leave.
    The thing is the home says after his day out he really won't settle,and plays up all night washing his hair all the time, and saying his daughters collecting him, and now my mums suggested we don't bring him out so he will settle in the home,
    but he lives to come to mums. The doctors seeing him tomorrow to review his medication but i thought he was ok even though he talks gibberish all the time. Does anyone think its wrong to keep bringing him home, is it upsetting him more, would he be better of
    forgetting home completely. I don't think so.....mum says when he's calm at home he's fine in the day, he just dosen't sleep at nights so has 2 go back cos mum can't cope then, sry to ramble,
    anyone have any views on this or any experience, it would be most helpful, thanks

    suzie
     
  2. Angela

    Angela Registered User

    May 28, 2003
    151
    Wales
    Your posting is yet another example of how bloody cruel the illness of dementia is.

    I do have to advice families when their loved one is placed in a full time care home, that it is best for all concerned if they give the person time to settle in before they visit, and then time inbetween visits, so as not to confuse the ill person. Im sure you would find that the general consensus would be that the home visits are not helping him to settle into the care home and are making him more restless there.

    Even though, I do think that you have to weigh up the situation and come to a conclusion with your Mum. I would like to note one or two things from what you have written
    How is your dads memory? I question if when he is up all night, whether its because of the recent visit? Can he remember these visits home? Or would he do the same if you were not taking him for home visits?
    How aggitated does he get? Is it relatively short lived? Or does he get quite anxious about it?
    How disabled is Mum? If she is not able to go to the home, or visit as often as she would like, what is your alternative?
    I dont mean for you to respond to the Q's I have posted, I merely hope they will help your family come to a conclusion.
    Please let us know how u get on
     
  3. suzie

    suzie Registered User

    Oct 26, 2003
    12
    coventry
    hi angela,
    thanks for your reply. we decided to keep getting dad out as the home says he.s always restless at night and they actually found him worse when he hadn't been out. my sister took him shopping for clothes today and he was very happy, as i couldn't find any of his clothes at the home [we're awaiting printed iron in name tags]

    the home told mum tonight they had stored his clothes in another room cos' he gets very angry when they put his clothes in the wardrobe as he says he's not staying there.

    the thing is in the last week he seems so much better, when i collected him saturday his face lit up and as we went to my car he said how great it was to get out of there, and when we got to mums he said he thought he'd have a couple of days off [thinks he's at work in the home] and at night time when we take him back he tries to prolong it, and now he will direct us back to the home, but he hates returning still.

    what i wonder cos' dad had a couple of small strokes which was the start of him going into hospital then the home [he was diagnosed with ad 2 years previous] could he be getting better
    after the stroke or is he just getting use to his new routine and thats why he appears less distressed. or is he just having a good week, we still don;t get him everyday cos' he drives mum crazy..lol..from what i've read on this site i am very grateful for the fact he has a place in the home because of my mums disability; which is very bad because she can't walk unaided and
    just manages to get in and out her wheelchair and needs a hip replacement too,

    my heart goes out to all you carers coping virtually alone most of the time and i now realise others situations are much worse, i hope this site gives everyone a feeling of not being alone

    suzie
     
  4. Angela

    Angela Registered User

    May 28, 2003
    151
    Wales
    Hi
    If your Dad has a correct diagnosis of Alzheimer's disease then it is unlikely that he is getting better. Is he on any medication of relevance that make this change appear?
    However, I wonder when you say small strokes, when and if these actually continued until recently, hence more confusion and frustration? Do talk to the Staff at the home at the very least, or make an appointmet with Dads GP or Consultant.
    My opinion from what you have typed, is that it is more likely that your dad is settling more into the routine of living (working) in the care home, but remember, unfortunately, this may not last, and will certainly fluctuate.
    Let us know how it goes
     
  5. suzie

    suzie Registered User

    Oct 26, 2003
    12
    coventry
    hi angela

    just an update on my dads home visits.

    after much distress returning dad to the home we finally took your advice and left him there to settle, i visited saturday afternoon and he was much more happyier than before, but
    he was totally gone from this world of ours, for 2 hours he happily chatted away, but nothing at all made sense, he was really gone from us. still i never got as distressed because he seemed content when i left and was happy to go and sit in the lounge with the carers.
    sunday i took mum to see him in her wheelchair. she hadn't seen him for a week. and was so looking forward to the visit especially after i told her how happy he was saturday.
    as soon as we walked in the main secured door dad just happened to be doing his rounds of walking up and down the corridors clutching a can of shaving cream. he looked worn out,
    scruffy and unshaven and didn't know mum at all, though he knew me. totally different from saturday when he looked clean and fresh.
    pushing mums wheelchair round through all those firedoors was a nightmare especially as she weighs 17 stone [smile].....and we
    finally got 2 dads room to find it locked....a carer opened it for us and we went in only for dad to lie on the bed and fall asleep for about 10mins, he then jerked awake and said he had to go out because he liked to walk around. as he looked exhausted we suggested he rested , so he removed his trousers' his pyjamas were still on underneath, got in to bed and fell into a deep sleep.
    after an hour watching him we crept out quietly.
    i then asked the staff if dad was exhausted how could he go for a sleep if the room was locked, they said he sleeps in the chairs in the lounge.
    i feel as its quite a big home he dosen't even know where his room is most of the time.
    anyway we can't take mum there again as its too difficult with her disability so we will bring dad home 2 times week, today being the first visit for a while, and i hope when my sister took him ack this evening he didn;t mind 2 much [smile]. i think it will be better as he is more settled there so thankyou for your good advice

    all the best suzie
     

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