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Is he starting to go down?

Springfield

New member
Dec 18, 2021
5
0
I can empathise with all of these posts.
I am new here and am really struggling. My husband of 52 years is becoming a stranger to me. He has been showing signs for over 2 years but has now been diagnosed with cerebral atrophy and is still having further tests. He has been advised to stop driving and is SO angry with me! Its all my fault! I made the appointments, Ive sold him down the river, he never thought I would turn into such a bitch and he wishes I would f.... off!
He NEVER used such cruel and abusive language to me previously and it is SO hard to take.
His personality change, aggression, and lack of empathy are so very hard to cope with.
Does this make any kind of sense?
Has everyone been through this stage, how long does it last, and how do you cope with the hurtful and critical comments? He gets so angry when I NEED to see others and go out and does not want me to see my beloved grandchildren. I feel so sad.

Sandra
 

Bunpoots

Volunteer Host
Apr 1, 2016
6,281
0
Nottinghamshire
Hi @Springfield

I’m sorry to read that your husband is being so horrible to you. My dad could be very verbally nasty too in the early days. It did improve but I’m not sure if that was because he mellowed or I got better at dealing with him!

Dad was particularly bad towards my daughter, his granddaughter, so we kept her away from him as much as possible, I don’t suppose that’s an option for you?

Part of the reason some PWD get nasty towards their main carer is that they can’t understand that anything is wrong with them so they believe it must be something someone else is doing that’s causing all the problems!!

I found the compassionate communication thread helped to keep things calmer, but if dad was starting to get irate I’d leave the room, give him time to calm down, and then go back as if nothing had happened and try again.

 

martinsta

New member
Oct 17, 2021
5
0
I can empathise with all of these posts.
I am new here and am really struggling. My husband of 52 years is becoming a stranger to me. He has been showing signs for over 2 years but has now been diagnosed with cerebral atrophy and is still having further tests. He has been advised to stop driving and is SO angry with me! Its all my fault! I made the appointments, Ive sold him down the river, he never thought I would turn into such a bitch and he wishes I would f.... off!
He NEVER used such cruel and abusive language to me previously and it is SO hard to take.
His personality change, aggression, and lack of empathy are so very hard to cope with.
Does this make any kind of sense?
Has everyone been through this stage, how long does it last, and how do you cope with the hurtful and critical comments? He gets so angry when I NEED to see others and go out and does not want me to see my beloved grandchildren. I feel so sad.

Sandra
Hi Sandra,
I know your post is a couple of weeks old but thought I would reply, my wife was diagnosed with vascular dementia last June at 67 and we are living a similar life. Foul language, verbal and physical abuse etc she does not blame me for things but is constantly angry because she is convinced I think she is stupid and useless (obviously not the case) and every hour of every day is spent trying to avoid the arguments.

Your comments struck a chord partly like you I have less and less opportunity to go out, just for an hour away from the stress but also due to the fact that during a recent meeting with the Admiral nurses they asked me if I was scared of what was happening. and after a moments thought I said that I wasn't scared I was sad. Sad because the person she was, the person she enjoyed being is slowly going and the person that is there now I am sure, she doesn't like. Sad because we laughed, loved, travelled and enjoyed life and each other and now life is one long fight, or would be if I responded.

But here's the thing I am finding that as with most things in life, when caring for dementia what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I am sure we all get stronger every day. You may feel your Husband is a stranger to you but I bet all it takes is a song or a photo to remind you that he is not a stranger to you, dementia can rob you of now, but the past is all yours. An hour ago I hated the evil foul mouthed person sat at my dining table but when I switched on my computer and saw the holiday photo from Corfu I was reminded of how much I loved the woman on my screensaver and how much better my life has been because of her. As everyone always says its the disease not the person so try what I have found works! get the photos out and just think of all the wonderful times you have shared and be happy for them don't let this evil disease have everything.
Sorry for the ramble.....that helps sometimes as well (-:
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
10,957
0
Southampton
Hi Sandra,
I know your post is a couple of weeks old but thought I would reply, my wife was diagnosed with vascular dementia last June at 67 and we are living a similar life. Foul language, verbal and physical abuse etc she does not blame me for things but is constantly angry because she is convinced I think she is stupid and useless (obviously not the case) and every hour of every day is spent trying to avoid the arguments.

Your comments struck a chord partly like you I have less and less opportunity to go out, just for an hour away from the stress but also due to the fact that during a recent meeting with the Admiral nurses they asked me if I was scared of what was happening. and after a moments thought I said that I wasn't scared I was sad. Sad because the person she was, the person she enjoyed being is slowly going and the person that is there now I am sure, she doesn't like. Sad because we laughed, loved, travelled and enjoyed life and each other and now life is one long fight, or would be if I responded.

But here's the thing I am finding that as with most things in life, when caring for dementia what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I am sure we all get stronger every day. You may feel your Husband is a stranger to you but I bet all it takes is a song or a photo to remind you that he is not a stranger to you, dementia can rob you of now, but the past is all yours. An hour ago I hated the evil foul mouthed person sat at my dining table but when I switched on my computer and saw the holiday photo from Corfu I was reminded of how much I loved the woman on my screensaver and how much better my life has been because of her. As everyone always says its the disease not the person so try what I have found works! get the photos out and just think of all the wonderful times you have shared and be happy for them don't let this evil disease have everything.
Sorry for the ramble.....that helps sometimes as well (-:
my husband was diagnosed 2 years ago of vascular dementia. he was aggressive, nasty and angry and erupted for no reason whatsoever. i phoned the gp who referred to older peoples mental health. they came and assessed him and gave him memantine. there are no tablets for vascular but there are tablets to treat symptoms of it. hes been on them 6 months and hes calm, happy and doesnt erupt. i just wonder if an assessment would be useful for your wife to see if the anger and anxiety could be helped to be reduced