Is all this Normal or are we going Mad??

[Desperatedan]

I really need some advice for my daughter who is a carer for my mum who is 89 and has dementia!
My mum has never been the easiest of people to get on with, and now looking back over the years feels she has probably always been Mentally ill?
She has just become even more nasty and is saying some really really nasty things to my daughter like "your my carer u get paid to do blah blah blah" , lies so much and we cannot believe that she is being so awful, accuses my daughter of stealing everything from money to goods and creams from her room, says myself and daughter are nasty people and that I stick up for my daughter 100% and there's no way I should be agreeing with her, it feels like everyday is a massive argument, she won't let us clean up in her room (and it's disgusting) won't let us change bedding which is not clean, hasn't had a wash or bath for over a year, won't take any of the medication that doctors have given her and refuses that she has dementia saying "aparantely I have dementia, but I dnt know when it's coming?",
We have had to phone police and ambulance as my daughter phones me up in such a state she has panic attacks, and this has happened on a couple of occasions, I am so worried she is going to do something to herself or have a nervous breakdown?
Social services are involved and have tried to get her into day centres etc but she won't go, they say she is not mentally incapable she knows what she is doing and can make her own decisions, we see her everyday and know she cannot she is beyond confused with her banks cards and finances it's terrible.
The mental health team say the same as when they come and see her she is a different person to who we see!! We feel she should be sectioned for her own safety as she also has spent all her savings and doesn't know what on,? and in the space of a month!
We are both a reck and feel that it's us that's is mentally ill sometimes, she's so out of touch with reality, has delusions is paranoid and we have arguments about things she says have happened when they havent!
It's feels like the authorities are not listening and honestly my daughter is going to get ill! I just dnt know how to proceed with this? Any advice is much appreciated Thankyou.

 

[karaokePete]

I do have empathy for the situation as my wife has given me the “you’re my carer” line. I’m not accused of stealing but have daily hunts for things that are put in ‘safe’ places, which are forgotten. It helps to discover the current safe place as it isn’t always logical - I recently found my wife’s slippers, and other things, under her pillow!

On the care front it seems that you are in that difficult position where you have to step back and let a crisis develop before you get attention. It may be worthwhile asking for a carers assessment as your daughter is entitled to this and it just might get some help.

Either way I wish all of you the best of luck as your situation is one that can’t be endured for too long.

 

[Shedrech]

hi @Desperatedan
you wrote around a year ago that the situation with your mum was very challenging, I guess things have worsened

are there LPAs in place ... if not I'd suggest you arrange them asap, that will give your mum's Attorneys the authority to help her with her finances, and then take over when the Attorneys believe she no longer has capacity to manage her own affairs
https://www.gov.uk/power-of-attorney
it's odd that your mum has managed to spend her savings, yet cannot deal with bank cards ... are you able to get sight of a bank statement ... has she had any unfamiliar or unexpected visitors

is it possible for your daughter to move out and so leave your mum to be looked after by home care visits, then Social Services may get to see how things really are for her and take action ... sadly it often takes a crisis, and as long as your daughter and you support your mum so much you are holding off the inevitable
it's not right that your daughter isn't getting to live her own life, and is putting her own health and welfare at risk ... time to have her live for herself and build her future ... you said this might happen last year ... no adult is responsible for the care for another, and your daughter has given a lot of her youth to caring

the way your mum behaves when visited is called 'hostess mode' here on DTP ... a person seems able to put all their energy into appearing fine, for a short while, long enough to fool the visitor, but is then exhausted and reverts back to their usual behaviours ... might you keep a log of what is done for your mum, what she is unable to do and how she behaves, so you have written proof to show medics etc
sadly, the behaviour you describe is symptomatic of dementia, and is unlikely to improve ... so in that way is 'normal' .. those kinds of accusations and nastiness are tough to live and deal with ... compassionate communication may help, but it's not a cure-all
https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/compassionate-communication-with-the-memory-impaired.30801/

do keep your mum's GP up to date with her situation .. it may be there are some meds that could help her settle

 

[Bunpoots]

Hi @Desperatedan

We had similar problems with my daughter being the victim of dad's vitriol when she did the majority of care for him. She was accused of stealing and being ugly and fat (she's skinny and pretty) and useless etc. etc...and dad was just nasty to her. My daughter said she could cope, knowing that it was the disease and not her Grandad but eventually she had to stop for the sake of her own mental health. Looking back I wish I'd seen sooner how difficult it had become for her.

I took over as his carer and employed professional carers to help. I had POA for dad so I could do this without having to ask him to pay. Dad used to drive me nuts at times but he never attacked me the way he did my daughter. I think sometimes PWD will choose a target and just go for them...I found the only solution was to remove the target.

 

[Linbrusco]

In the context of Dementia, all your Mothers symptoms & behaviours are normal.
And no neither of you are mad.
I have a husband with Neurological defecits due to surgery and treatment for a brain tumour, and a 16yo with now 2 yrs of anxiety/mild depression to auto immune disorder. Although tough going at times, it all pales into comparison when I was caring for Mum with Alzheimers. I nearly had carers breakdown.
Mum has been in care now 3 yrs. It was the best thing for her and for me.
Now I care for Dad 81 with mixed dementia.
I have vowed I will not let myself get to the same state as caring for Mum.
Given your daughters situation, and your Mums advancing dementia, your daughter now has to be top priority before she becomes ill.
Get her to move out, and call Social Services, Age UK, Alzheimers Society or whomever can help. x

 

[silversea2020]

What a toughie it must be. I think I’d be inclined to not only ring SS & the MHT, I’d also write as well - recorded evidence from you that your mum can no longer be cared for either by your daughter or you. I’d also write to your mum’s GP, and put in those ‘buzz’ words already mentioned ‘LA have a duty of care etc etc’. Good luck with it and let us know how it all goes.