Invisibles

[artyfarty]

Just wondered if anyone ever had any success with turning round an invisible siblings attitude?

I have three - one is great but 200 miles away. The other two are conspicuous by their absence. I've tried talking to them and explaining that I could use some help but other than the odd phone call nothing seems to be forthcoming. We have a private Facebook group where I often post so they can see what is going on with mum - appointments, her behaviour etc (like when she managed to open the washing machine mid cycle and flood the kitchen!) to try and help them see just how much I am doing for mum these days (I live with her).

A few months ago I had a bit of a crisis where I told them last minute that I had to get away for a few days and they did cope with her in my absence and even talked about covering for me every few months. That talk seems to have faded away now and the only thing my brother has managed to do in the last six weeks is buy a replacement cat flap that is too big for the hole in the door (see my other thread!) and advised me to borrow a jigsaw to fit it. As if I don't have enough to do! Grrrr!

I'm feeling really annoyed with them but just can't seem to come up with a strategy to make them see that I need some help from them. It doesn't help that my brother can be really aggressive and nasty when confronted.

Am I bashing my head against a brick wall here expecting them to do anything? Or should I just get on with it without them and let the resentment go - because at the moment the resentment is making me more unhappy than dealing with my mum!

 

[Eternity]

Hi

I don't know what the answer is other than don't wait for them to offer help - just ask them directly. You got help before when you did, so maybe that is what you need to do. Just ask (or tell) them what you need from them and when. Be specific.

I'm being a hypocrite as I hate asking, rarely do - but when I have (and it has stuck in my throat as it has felt like a favour for me rather than helping our mum), they have usually said ok

It is so frustrating that friends and extended family offer help and siblings don't think to.

I get annoyed as invisible sibling is seen as wonderful by my mum. If only she knew visits are only when I nag them to come see mum.

Invisible siblings have made me bitter, twisted and resentful - which isn't good.

Hope you get some good ideas here which I can (if you don't mind) selfishly try to use too

sorry this has turned into a rant.

 

[artyfarty]

Hi eternity

Rant away - totally understand!

Know what you mean about asking and it sticking in your throat - feel exactly the same. When I do ask, there is always an excuse why they cannot help or else they do the bare minimum (as with the cat flap). I asked my sister to arrange to get my mums hair cut. She made an appointment, then I had to do the rest - get money out and put it in her handbag and as I was at work that day, call my mum three times at intervals to remind her when her appointment was, talk her through finding her handbag and putting it by the front door so she didnt forget it and calling the hairdresser to make sure she had made it there.

They just don't understand because they don't spend enough time round mum. Sister S (the one 200 miles away) told me Sister N told her that she didnt think she should have to deal with mum 'at her time of life' - she's 30 and is a teacher so is off work all summer. She reckons that at the moment she needs to spend time 'consolidating her relationship' (has been living with boyfriend for 4 years) and working on her career. I'm 45, have got two jobs, my mum to deal with and my boyfriend lives the other side of London. Sorry, but I win in the 'who's busiest' competition.

Brother A is even worse, not married, no girlfriend, no kids, earns a fortune and pleases himself just about all the time. Even though he is my brother, I have to say he can be a really nasty piece of work sometimes as well.

I just can't let go of the resentment. They do nothing without making me feel as if I am asking the earth.

Oh god, I've gone off on a rant as well.

Sorry, sorry, sorry!!!

 

[Eternity]

I am smiling in sympathy reading your post. I don't think we are alone. I love my siblings but I feel like I could thump them. A friend said sometimes it comes down to them being unknowingly selfish on their part. It shouldn't be about who is most caring, who lives closest, who has time - she is mum to all of you.

I can't believe the hairdresser event.

I have to be exactly specific with what they need to do when asking them to do anything as they will do what they think is enough or the minimum. I have to agree specific times and dates and how long they spend. Once I asked a brother to do dinner for mum but I forgot to add stay there to make sure she eats it or even better eat with her so she has company. It is all in the detailed instructions with my siblings

Maybe the more we get them to do the more involved they'll become?

Looking forward to wisdom of others

 

[Grumpy Gramps]

When I was having a breakdown last Christmas I told Kaths children that my GP said I really should find some "Metime". They best reply I got was "what do you need me time for? You only work twelve hours a week" If only they knew!

 

[artyfarty]

Having thought about it (to the extent that I got no sleep last night!) I realise that perhaps I haven't been specific enough in what I am asking them to do. I don't, by any means, think that they will suddenly turn into caring angels overnight but perhaps a more directed approach to them might give me a better outcome.

As we speak, Sister N is searching the neighbourhood for my mum - having casually suggested she meet her up the road she has been standing in the street waiting for an hour. My mum has probably forgotten and gone off somewhere entirely different. Not worried as she is like a homing pigeon and always makes it back - sometimes she can't remember where's shes been she always makes it home! Lesson for my sister I think.

 

[Eternity]

Hope your mum turns up/is found soon

Good luck with new approach

x

 

[Eternity]

hope your sister found your mum(?)

 

[virg]

I know it may not help but recently we have found Skype to be a big help as my siblings are distant (although not invisible). Because they can see things, they've realised a bit more about the reality of how Mum is. I suppose it's the picture telling a thousand words type thing.

The only thing is that Mum couldn't cope with Skype so I had to buy a big old fashioned telephone hand set for her to use and she doesn't realise that they can see her.

Possibly not a help in your situation but I thought I would mention it anyway.

 

[artyfarty]

Eternity - Yes, mum was fine. She wandered about a bit but couldn't remember where the drs was so went home eventually as I thought she would. Did prompt my sister into going to buy her a new mobile phone though. It remains to be seen as to whether she will be able to use it though. You can apparently track the phone though so even if she can't ring we would be able to see where she is providing the phone is with her so hopefully that will be useful.

I've got an iPad so might try Skype so Sister S can talk to her. Though she is great she's a long way away but I think mum might enjoy it - a bit of stimulation wouldn't be a bad thing! Thanks Virg - great suggestion!

 

[SWMBO1950]

I stopped even trying a long time ago and now view myself as an only child - works well for me and my sanity and I know Mum is well looked after - I can do no more

 

[Hair Twiddler]

I am an only child.
I do my best - one advantage of being an OC is having no one to tell you how much better they would be at what you do!

 

[starryuk]

I told Mum that my brother (after 5 months) was coming to see her this week. A fact which she remembered for 3 days. Brother came, we took Mum out for lunch.

Afterwards brother was annoyed because, he said, she didn't seem to know him and didn't have much interest in him. Didn't think it was worth coming up (50 miles).

Words fail me!

 

[Noorza]

I am an only child.
I do my best - one advantage of being an OC is having no one to tell you how much better they would be at what you do!

Hell yes isn't that the truth! The behaviour of two of my siblings has been so awful (one emptying her bank account, the other trying to convince mum I am wicked and evil, taped doing it). I've just cut them out of my life. I still have to take cover when my sister makes her 3 hourly visit on a Monday, drops her poison, then piddles off back to her dementia free life.


I feel so often like just walking away and leaving them to it, but I can't do it to mum.

You can chose your friends though thank goodness.

 

[SWMBO1950]

As my invisible is in Australia she is not around to try to tell me what to do so that is a bonus.

She in fact does not even pick up the phone to my mother these days and before it was spasmodic.

Like you Hair Twiddler I do the best I can and I can do no more

I am an only child.
I do my best - one advantage of being an OC is having no one to tell you how much better they would be at what you do!

 

[Onlyme]

I told Mum that my brother (after 5 months) was coming to see her this week. A fact which she remembered for 3 days. Brother came, we took Mum out for lunch.

Afterwards brother was annoyed because, he said, she didn't seem to know him and didn't have much interest in him. Didn't think it was worth coming up (50 miles).

Words fail me!

I have had that with my invisible. Mum might not know who I am so it's not worth the bother. Sadly these poor deluded people think that our Mums with dementia should remember THEM even though THEY seem to have forgotten that their Mum exists.

 

[Noorza]

I have had that with my invisible. Mum might not know who I am so it's not worth the bother. Sadly these poor deluded people think that our Mums with dementia should remember THEM even though THEY seem to have forgotten that their Mum exists.

That is such a good point. My brother remembers when he wants to use her cash link card. Disgusting.

 

[artyfarty]

I told Mum that my brother (after 5 months) was coming to see her this week. A fact which she remembered for 3 days. Brother came, we took Mum out for lunch.

Afterwards brother was annoyed because, he said, she didn't seem to know him and didn't have much interest in him. Didn't think it was worth coming up (50 miles).

Words fail me!

It's amazing isn't it, that they get annoyed! I've had the same thing with Sister N who can't seem to get her head round the fact that mum's abilities to get herself around or do anything are so diminished. Yesterday she wanted mum to come and meet her because it would be easier for her than having to make the 20 minute walk up to mums herself. She seemed so shocked when mum went AWOL and annoyed that she then had to do a lot of running around to try and find her.

I've had both invisible siblings suggest that mum doesn't do certain things because she is lazy, rather than not competent. To be fair, my mum can be lazy but neither of them seem to realise that her Alzheimer's affects so much of every day life. A basic mis-march between expectation and reality which I think is caused by a lack of awareness on their part of the downward trajectory of memory loss.

 

[starryuk]

A basic mis-march between expectation and reality which I think is caused by a lack of awareness on their part of the downward trajectory of memory loss.

...and why the lack of awareness? Because they are seldom there to witness the reality!

 

[Noorza]

...and why the lack of awareness? Because they are seldom there to witness the reality!

My brother took a call where he had to pretend to be 5 years old and taken by a bad family so he could reassure mum he was safe and coming home. Then when I had a go for him taking her savings again, he actually emailed saying "Mum has never been thinking more clearly in her life, she's fine". Yet the week before he was 5 years old!!!