Invisibles, I'm so angry and upset – again!

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Margaret79, Dec 14, 2015.

  1. Margaret79

    Margaret79 Registered User

    I couldn’t post last night as I was sooo wound up.

    Briefly... MIL has lived with us for 5 years and we have been caring for her for 6 years, husband has an invisible brother who visits around Christmas time for about an hour, never even calls or emails in between.

    OH & I have POA for both finance & health. MIL has a house which OH cleared, supervised structural work in, fitted new bathroom, decorated and carpeted before organising the rental. All with NO financial or physical help from invisible. We have had the same tenants for 3 years and they have been great. They have said that they won’t be renewing the lease in Feb as they are going abroad to work & live.

    So, OH sends email to BIL telling him this and asking him to have some thoughts about selling up at this time as MIL needing more care that has to be paid for (day care & respite) and although she has a good income through pensions it would not cover the fees if she did ever need to go into full time care.

    House is owned half by MIL and half by trust set up when FIL died. Trust is supposed to be run by the 2 brothers & MIL for benefit of MIL in the first instance.

    Unfortunately the deeds show that the house is jointly owned by MIL & invisible (as head of trust) so we do need his help to sell.

    OH had conversation with BIL last night and he’s shocked that it’s come to this and is coming down next weekend to examine accounts and to see that we’re telling the truth about how MIL is :mad::mad::mad::mad:

    He’s going to be a bit unlucky on the accounts side, I know we’ve stuffed up there and haven’t kept brilliant records, very sporadic. No excuse is really acceptable but we have struggled with MIL, living apart whilst he did up house etc etc and the last thing on our mind was record keeping. I know that we are being honest and fair to Mil and that she couldn’t have wanted for more in the past 6 years.

    I am so angry with BIL, he who doesn’t care enough about his Mum to find out if she is ok or offer any support is now bothered as money is concerned. My anger last night turned to being really upset that BIL cares so little for his Mum. How dare he question our care of her.

    I have decided, having spent a long time talking to a friend last night, that I have to stay out of this and allow the 2 brothers to sort it out. Not gonna be easy and I think I’ll have to go out when he and his wife come as I just want to stand behind the front door with a baseball bat. :eek::eek::eek: (I’m not normally a violent person!)

    Apart from venting the above I wonder if anyone knows, and they probably do as this is such a wonderful place for help and support about the following.... If BIL won’t sell up and we have, in the future, to put MIL in full time care would SS put a charge on her half of the property?

    My head is swimming with different scenarios and I guess that what I really want to know is that we will have a choice in the future. My health hasn’t been good this year and I don’t want to feel that there isn’t an alternative should the need arise. Thank goodness that at the moment I’m feeling much better physically.
  2. fizzie

    fizzie Registered User

    Jul 20, 2011
    Hi there
    I'm so sorry to hear the difficulties you are having - I think people are beastly. BiL sounds too officious and it is a shame he can't remain invisible

    I do know that Age UK have given some decent advice to people I know about the complex question you are asking - I'm sure that they will at least be able to point you in the right direction and give you some options and they have a freephone helpline so it's worth a go anyway 0800 169 2081.

    Can I just suggest that if you do go out when BIL comes you go with SiL otherwise he will have support and your husband may find himself fighting a corner 1 against 2. I think you are right and it is a good idea to leave the brothers to sort it out.

    I hope you get some sound advice on this complicated and important issue.

  3. Quilty

    Quilty Registered User

    Aug 28, 2014
    I think the money due would be deferred until the hoyse sold , due to the trust. Ask bil to pay half of any costs if the house cant be sold. That might change his mind. He probably wont know the council would wait. I agree with you decision to not be home as i would not be able to stay silent either.

    All you can do is keep good records from this point. I have as i fully expect my sister to accuse me at some point. Uts a burden on top of everything else but all some can see is their inheritence slipping away. Best of luck.
  4. 2jays

    2jays Registered User

    Jun 4, 2010
    West Midlands
    Oh fluff :(

    Wish I had words to give you support. All I have at the moment are HUGS

    Hindsight. That's what I want for Christmas.... How about you xxxxxxxx

    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
  5. Pete R

    Pete R Registered User

    Jul 26, 2014
    With the house partly in trust you really need professional advice on who owns what whilst MiL is still alive. If ownership is split then all parties have to agree to any Deferred Payment Agreement offered by the LA.

    If it comes to it the LA can force a sale but only via a long court process so hopefully the 2 brothers can sort it out
  6. arielsmelody

    arielsmelody Registered User

    Jul 16, 2015
    I think maybe you need to try to step back a little bit and try not to take your BIL's actions in such a personal way. If I was in your BILs shoes, I would be concerned to receive a phone call telling me that my mum was getting worse, and that her house might have to be sold. It's perfectly reasonable for him to want to visit and to see the accounts because as one of the trustees he has a responsibility to make sure it's all in order - really, he should have been more involved from the start.

    It does worry me that you say you don't have good records of what was spent on the house. Didn't you have to keep records for tax reasons when you did up the house and started renting it out? If she hasn't been living in the house for five years, there might be capital gains tax to pay when it is sold, and you really need your records to make sure that you don't pay more tax than you should.

    You might find you can reconstruct some of the information from your bank records etc. My advice would be to try not to argue with your BIL, because everything will be much easier to manage if you can all be polite to each other, and to find a good accountant who can look over everything and advise the best way forward.
  7. Margaret79

    Margaret79 Registered User

    Thanks all.

    fizzie - I will give husband the number and he can call or not. Don't think I'll get involved as I don't really understand the trust. SIL is a waste of space, doesn't say anything so won't be a problem leaving her here with the brothers.

    Quilty - records will be kept from here on in, can probably reconstruct something from her bank accounts in the past.

    2jays - thanks for the hugs, much needed. Hindsight would be great for Christmas, do you think Santa has enough to go round? :D:D

    arielsmelody - yes he should have been more involved from the start but it has been his choice to stay away. We may be able to construct some sort of accounts from her bank statements which we will try and do but not this side of Christmas. I don't want to argue with BIL, he's not worth my energy which is why I'll be out when he comes!
  8. jugglingmum

    jugglingmum Registered User

    Jan 5, 2014
    I think OH needs to get professional advice on trust. MIL should have been declaring income of rent less costs on her tax return, and trust may need to do same (it may be that it is all deemed MIL's income - if a life interest trust). Fees for prof advice come from MIL's money or trust not yours..

    BIL only represents trust on deeds.

    My brother is a waste of space, but so far gone along with my decisions thankfully but he leaves me more het up than issues with my mum at times so massive hugs.
  9. 2jays

    2jays Registered User

    Jun 4, 2010
    West Midlands
    I've got a spare grape or two crushed. Want to share?

    Promise not to strain them through the sweaty sock this time :D

    Been thinking about your situation. Still haven't got any words of wisdom

    Just hope I've given you a smile xxxxx

    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
  10. Margaret79

    Margaret79 Registered User

    Thanks 2jays, smile on my face as I get off to bed :D Thanks
  11. jan.s

    jan.s Registered User

    Sep 20, 2011
    Like 2 Jays, I have no pearls of wisdom to offer.

    It does sound to me as if legal advice could be worthwhile, but trusts etc are out of my experience. No give me Royal Courts of Justice, and I'm your girl!!

    Seriously though, I'm sorry to hear that BIL has been upsetting my friend Margaret. Sending hugs xx
  12. 2jays

    2jays Registered User

    Jun 4, 2010
    West Midlands
    Glad you turned up.... I bet it was mention of straining crushed grape through sweaty sock that got your attention ..... Pricked your ears.....

    I only save the best crushed through sweaty sock for you xx

    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
  13. 2jays

    2jays Registered User

    Jun 4, 2010
    West Midlands
    Just read that again jan.....

    Didn't write well did it :D

    You know I feel you deserve the best, so I keep the best (sweaty socks) for you :D :D

    Edited: lucky I checked as socks on my spel checker came out as...... Well it didn't come out as socks :eek: :D

    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
  14. jan.s

    jan.s Registered User

    Sep 20, 2011
    Thanks 2jays. You are very kind :eek:

    I'm sorry your spell check can't spell sock, I can't think of another word!?. :D:D

    J xx
  15. little shettie

    little shettie Registered User

    Nov 10, 2009
    Oh Margaret, I feel your pain. I have invisibles too, 3 of them. 2 of which are only concerned with the financial side of mum, not her care and welfare. Mum lives with me and hubby now, but was a struggle to get that to happen as brothers thought we were just after the house and money!!!!! :mad: I'm not sure what makes them like this, but I can tell you I feel the same way and would cheerfully throttle them if I could get away with it!!!!! They do nothing to help in anyway and what makes my blood boil is one day when mum has gone, they will be lining up to get their share!! :mad: Hugs to you and I really hope it works out in your favour xx

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