Invisibles ! I give up

[Linbrusco]

When Mum was at home, her siblings (3 sisters/3 brothers) rarely made contact or visited except for one sister.
Generally being a patient, don't bear grudges type of person, although it annoyed me, I would phne/txt some of her siblings on occasion to let them know how Mum was.

Now that Mum has gone into care ( now over 3mnths) 2 of her sisters have visted and 1 of her brothers. The 1 brother saying he will never go back. It's too depressing, but I heard that he complained bitterly to his sisters , brothers and daughter how awful it was and we had had Mum locked into a prison.... Why not ring us and get the true story!!

Only 1 of Mums sisters and Mums Aunt 86yrs ring regularly to see how she is.
Not one of the other 5 siblings have txtd, messaged or called, and really now I can't be bothered. It's always been one sided. obviously the other sister fills them in, but then really! As Mum is the oldest and the first of her family to ever go into care I would have thought the odd call would be the decent and moral thing to do? Obviously not

 

[Kevinl]

Now on the one hand I agree with you, neither have any of my wife's 5 siblings been to visit in the 8 years since she was diagnosed and I do find it surprising, that said the only time we ever saw them was when we went to visit so I guess nothing's changed in that respect, to be fair though none of them are local.
On the other hand I never saw/see my brothers for years at a time either so who am I to criticise anyone, not the least because on lived in New Zealand (now deceased), another on the Isle of Man and the third about 120 miles away.
It did disappoint me that they only visited a couple of time when our mother lived with me and had AZ, that I did find hard to take.
The only children that post on here don't seem to understand the concept that sibling's don't always get on in fact sometimes there are deep seated rifts in their relationships covered up family loyalty.
My siblings came to mean no more to me than others in my past like the kids I went to school with or played with in the street, they were just figures from my past.
Now how dysfunctional do I sound? Well not very. I'm sure, no, I know there are plenty more like me out there who feel the same way.
K

 

[Georgina63]

Oh linbrusco, I share your pain! Just remind yourself you are the one making the decisions and deciding what's best and that the view of the invisibles is irrelevant. I know that's easy to say, but hard to do. A few weeks after my folks moved into their CH, a cousin visited with my sister (who I have fallen out with big time...) and we met for a coffee. She proceeded to tell me how awful she thought the CH was (especially compared to the one she had visited near where my sister lives...er, really?!). She had visited my folks once in their home here (in 9 years) , and they had seen her a couple of times when visiting my sister. These family members are ill informed/ignorant and insensitive. Ignore them if you can! Sorry you are having to deal with this. Gx

 

[Georgina63]

Now on the one hand I agree with you, neither have any of my wife's 5 siblings been to visit in the 8 years since she was diagnosed and I do find it surprising, that said the only time we ever saw them was when we went to visit so I guess nothing's changed in that respect, to be fair though none of them are local.
On the other hand I never saw/see my brothers for years at a time either so who am I to criticise anyone, not the least because on lived in New Zealand (now deceased), another on the Isle of Man and the third about 120 miles away.
It did disappoint me that they only visited a couple of time when our mother lived with me and had AZ, that I did find hard to take.
The only children that post on here don't seem to understand the concept that sibling's don't always get on in fact sometimes there are deep seated rifts in their relationships covered up family loyalty.
My siblings came to mean no more to me than others in my past like the kids I went to school with or played with in the street, they were just figures from my past.
Now how dysfunctional do I sound? Well not very. I'm sure, no, I know there are plenty more like me out there who feel the same way.
K

Sounds normal to me Kevinl based on my experience (and that of many families I know!). It's certainly brought out the worst in my sister, who seems intent on a reconciliation despite having been horrendously unpleasant towards me, to the extent I cannot face speaking to her, let alone being in the same room. Sad but true. Gx

 

[Kjn]

If family members were just people you met would have them as friends is how I see it now

Just because we are related does it make us connect , it seems not. Seems to depend on the person you are as to whether you care.

I'm watching OHs disconnected family and my own these days, makes me realise who cares and who doesn't
OHs mother an only child has no interest in her only child son (my OH) which I find

 

[CollegeGirl]

I'm sorry, Linbrusco. You must feel like you're banging your head against a brick wall, and I'm not surprised you can't be bothered any more. It's not your responsibility to keep these relatives in touch with or updated about your mum. They are all adults and presumably capable of picking up the phone themselves, so please don't give them another thought (easier said than done, I know ).

Concentrate on your lovely family, and your mum, and of course, yourself from now on and don't worry about what they all think. You and all the people who matter know the truth.

xx

 

[BR_ANA]

She proceeded to tell me how awful she thought the CH was (especially compared to the one she had visited near where my sister lives...er, really?!).

Invisibles usually prefer CH with jacuzzi and without PWD.

 

[Linbrusco]

Growing up Mums family were close.
Age and children/grandchildren and busy lives seems to have changed it all.
But Yes a phone call takes but 5mns, and with txt messaging and Facebook which 4 of Mums siblings are on, theres no excuse really.

Really I don't know why I am surprised. Mums Aunt a widow and housebound pretty much at 86yrs who is the only senior family member left on Mums side, they haven't been to visit in 3 yrs and rarely ring.
They only live within 30mns drive and are also on the main train route.

I use to visit with Mum, but once Mum was no longer capable of phoning her Aunt or much conversation , I took that up, and its a real pleasure.



Same ones that will be there at funerals shedding tears

 

[Georgina63]

Invisibles usually prefer CH with jacuzzi and without PWD.

That made me smile as it's so true BR_ANA and a brilliant way to describe the situation! Gx

 

[HillyBilly]

Invisibles usually prefer CH with jacuzzi and without PWD.

LOL Ana!

 

[Pinkys]

Now on the one hand I agree with you, neither have any of my wife's 5 siblings been to visit in the 8 years since she was diagnosed and I do find it surprising, that said the only time we ever saw them was when we went to visit so I guess nothing's changed in that respect, to be fair though none of them are local.
On the other hand I never saw/see my brothers for years at a time either so who am I to criticise anyone, not the least because on lived in New Zealand (now deceased), another on the Isle of Man and the third about 120 miles away.
It did disappoint me that they only visited a couple of time when our mother lived with me and had AZ, that I did find hard to take.
The only children that post on here don't seem to understand the concept that sibling's don't always get on in fact sometimes there are deep seated rifts in their relationships covered up family loyalty.
My siblings came to mean no more to me than others in my past like the kids I went to school with or played with in the street, they were just figures from my past.
Now how dysfunctional do I sound? Well not very. I'm sure, no, I know there are plenty more like me out there who feel the same way.
K

Thank you for this. I am one of a large family. Since my mother went into care, and then died, i have had very little to do with most of them. The lack of interest/hostility was masked by my sweet Mum'S efforts and enthusiasm. I realise that I 'kept in touch' via her, there was little direct contact anyway.
Your comment about old classmates really resonated with me. Old classmates can be remembered fondly without wishing to get in touch, and they can also be remembered with horror!
And you are right. Happy Families is a card game. Your and my family are not unusual in my experience either.

 

[Mal2]

It's the old saying I'm afraid. You can choose your friends but not your family. I find friends are more supporting.

My husband was the first to invite his sister (there are just the two of them) to stay with us, for a while, maybe 3 or 4 weeks ( he thought ), when her husband died 7 years ago. She stayed 11 months and we welcomed her. After she went home, 4 miles away, she visited us over the next year or two, then the visits stopped. On the last visit she told him she would come to see him again, he said "It won't be long will it"? and she told him "No, I will come back very soon". That was 4 years ago. For a while he would ask when she was coming to see him, but, gradually he stopped asking.

I had a phone call from her earlier this year, not to ask about him, but, did I have a phone number of their cousin. At the same time, she asked about my brother. I informed her he had died a few days earlier and said the date of the funeral, but, she did not attend.

She did say she would pop up and see my husband. I told her he had deteriorated a lot since she last saw him, and, may not recognise her, though it would be nice for him to see her, and, he might just remember her. Sadly no visit came. I am glad my husband doesn't remember or mention her now, at least he doesn't get upset. He is a happy soul, always smiling, and quite a cheeky character at times.
Don't upset yourself over family, just enjoy the time with your dear Mam. M xxx

 

[Canadian Joanne]

I'm going to play devil's advocate here. How I wish my aunt would have ignored my mother! I hadn't been in touch with my aunt for several years but when Mum was diagnosed with AD and I brought her to Ontario, I felt I had to tell my aunt about Mum's illness.

That opened up a can of worms which was horrific. She finally stopped calling me to complain about everything about 3 years ago and the relief was overwhelming. Now that Mum has died, my aunt is realizing she has absolutely nothing in her life. She was divorced 40 years ago, with no children. I am her only family left who lives close to her. She has started calling me again. Not only would it be nice if she were invisible, being mute wouldn't hurt either.

So there can be some advantages to invisibles.

I always think they are the ones who lose, as they haven't been involved with their loved one with dementia. We who have been involved will have the knowledge that we did the best we could for our loved one, even when that damned guilt monster tries to perch on our shouler.

 

[Margi29]

I'm going to play devil's advocate here. How I wish my aunt would have ignored my mother! I hadn't been in touch with my aunt for several years but when Mum was diagnosed with AD and I brought her to Ontario, I felt I had to tell my aunt about Mum's illness.

That opened up a can of worms which was horrific. She finally stopped calling me to complain about everything about 3 years ago and the relief was overwhelming. Now that Mum has died, my aunt is realizing she has absolutely nothing in her life. She was divorced 40 years ago, with no children. I am her only family left who lives close to her. She has started calling me again. Not only would it be nice if she were invisible, being mute wouldn't hurt either.

So there can be some advantages to invisibles.

I always think they are the ones who lose, as they haven't been involved with their loved one with dementia. We who have been involved will have the knowledge that we did the best we could for our loved one, even when that damned guilt monster tries to perch on our shouler.

My invisible brother has took mum for 5 days this week to his home. She thinks he is the golden child !! Am so going to enjoy break!! He generally sees mum every 3 month. He is retired, drives and no illness and lives 80 mile away !! He may as well live in Canada for all the time he puts in !!!
Sorry rant over. I will now have a glass of wine.