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Invisible siblings - an ultimatum

Noorza

Registered User
Jun 8, 2012
6,542
0
Haylett letting go is the hardest thing in the world. Well it is way up there anyway as one of them. But it is the singular most liberating, freeing thing that I have done. I was carrying the weight of my siblings' appalling behaviour around with me.

I was allowing them to rent space in my head, that was making my life miserable. I was stressing over how to stop a brother raiding mum's life savings, he was dipping in taking the cash and having some lovely little holidays. After telling mum he was destitute of course.

Who was the fool? I know I can look myself in the mirror and know the person I am looking at has done her very best for mum, that's invaluable. But in letting him upset me, while he holidayed, it just made me look at my worries, my stress and think my life was worth more than spending it stressing over his bad behaviour. I still try to protect mum but the time I spend with it at the forefront of my mind is substantially less. Almost negligable when it was taking over.

It's not easy, I know it's not easy but I had a great counsellor and a great group though Age Concern who helped me through.
 

Noorza

Registered User
Jun 8, 2012
6,542
0
Tks I text my brother with Dad update on the advice of my attorney. I don't look at my brothers answers because they upset me so. This is the only contact I have because of health issues. My Doctor gave me a lecture on taking care of myself for my husband and daughter. I have gone through the stages of loss with my brother and it feels like the weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Everyone once in awhile I don't deny that I let it bother me, but I try to tell myself don't go there live my life and do not let my brother control me.

Cheryl

Fantastic advice Cheryl.
 

Haylett

Registered User
Feb 4, 2011
1,145
0
Well done Noorza and Cheryl K..I hope one day I have your strength of mind and purpose. Tomorrow I have another meeting with my brother - fingers, toes and all else crossed that I don't allow myself to be needled by his jibes. I shall think of you both!
 

minniemouse01

Registered User
Nov 27, 2012
243
0
scotland
well, I haven't been on for a while, life has been getting in the way. I am sad to see that the invisibles are still causing trouble and strife to all you lovely carers out there. My own situation? my brother told me we were finished when I had the gall to tell him that Dad had dementia, in Nov 12, and after many years of keeping my mouth shut, I told him how disappointed I was at his lack of visits and phone calls to my Dad and my late Mum. He now makes a call every 8 weeks or so to Dad (my Dad says to me 'that fella phoned again, is he related to me or you ?) and makes witty comments to Dad like 'oh so you know who I am this time ? (they arrived for a rare visit and Dad thought it was his own brother, who had died 30 years ago, and it confused him no end!)

On a positive note, now that my invisible and I no longer communicate, I feel free from that strain of having to see them when they visit (once or twice a year). No longer have to put on a face and pretend that I don't want to strangle him. It is much easier to pretend that I am an only child, for I have been the only one my parents could rely on for over 30 years. I feel blessed to still have my lovely Dad, 84 and although his memory is going, he loves a laugh, delights in my two grown children, and his adorable wee great-grandson. His goal now is to see 'that wee boy go to the school'. He likes his routine, and is doing well to stay in his own wee house, with our support - long may that continue. So, when the prodigal son and his queen turn up and take him out his comfortable environment for lunch in an unfamiliar place, then drive him round the countryside so they can feel they have given him a treat, it takes him 3 days to get over it !

Anyway, sorry to ramble on. My main point is that, really, there is no point in expecting anything remotely helpful from invisibles who don't want to deal with how things really are. You will get on better if you make all the decisions yourself and if they don't like it - tough, hell mend them!

:D
 

SWMBO1950

Registered User
Nov 17, 2011
2,076
0
Essex
At least my invisible is in Australia and I do not have to endure meeting and dreading what will occur.

My 'only child' stance works for me.

Good luck with your meeting xx



Well done Noorza and Cheryl K..I hope one day I have your strength of mind and purpose. Tomorrow I have another meeting with my brother - fingers, toes and all else crossed that I don't allow myself to be needled by his jibes. I shall think of you both!
 

cheryl k

Registered User
Sep 9, 2012
116
0
invisible siblings = an ultimatum

Well done Noorza and Cheryl K..I hope one day I have your strength of mind and purpose. Tomorrow I have another meeting with my brother - fingers, toes and all else crossed that I don't allow myself to be needled by his jibes. I shall think of you both!

Haylett

I will be thinking of you tomorrow with the meeting with your brother. You can do it remind yourself that you are strong and this brother of yours has no control over you.
What is important taking care of your parent that is the person who needs and depends on you not the spiteful jibes of your brother. His jibes are spiteful trying to belittle you and do not let it happen -- you are the one in control. Hope this helps.

Cheryl
 

Haylett

Registered User
Feb 4, 2011
1,145
0
Thanks so much SWMBO, Cheryl and Noorza - I'm resolved to rise to the challenge (and not the bait!!) x
 

Country house

Registered User
Sep 23, 2013
1
0
Leicester
Hi sorted it now, new to this. I have looked after my mum since dad died, I live 5 mins from her, brother local too. Looks after her fish ponds, + garden. Sister lives 30 mins away. Both do not look after her, last 2 years I have had to step up a gear also. Continuously needed hospital admissions, past 6 months continuously hospitalised, house has needed builders in for rotten bathroom flooring falling into kitchen also.
I have had to deal with entirely alone too with. At present. Mum in a trial nursing home situation and improving with her health. Still wishing to go back home. Unsure of how it will pan out. I am weary, 60 years old now. I gave up my job of a sister in nhs hospital, 5 years ago because of mums increasing needs from me. I kept collapsing myself and my own family now insisting for mum to stay in a nursing home, She does not want to!
Mum 85 years old, cannot care for herself, but thinks she does.
Lots more to say but enough said. Xx
 

Noorza

Registered User
Jun 8, 2012
6,542
0
Hi Minnie stopping communication is a sad, hard but often necessary part of coping. It's been a huge relief for me.
 

SWMBO1950

Registered User
Nov 17, 2011
2,076
0
Essex
Hi Country House

Sorry to read you are in the same situation as many of us.

Have you enlisted the help of carers with your Mum? If she cannot afford to pay herself you can get a SS assessment of her needs and if at all possible she can go back to her own home (with help) and it will ease the workload for you.

I could not cope without my Mums carers - they now call 2 x daily and I go in the evening - twice at weekends.

Best Wishes :)



Hi sorted it now, new to this. I have looked after my mum since dad died, I live 5 mins from her, brother local too. Looks after her fish ponds, + garden. Sister lives 30 mins away. Both do not look after her, last 2 years I have had to step up a gear also. Continuously needed hospital admissions, past 6 months continuously hospitalised, house has needed builders in for rotten bathroom flooring falling into kitchen also.
I have had to deal with entirely alone too with. At present. Mum in a trial nursing home situation and improving with her health. Still wishing to go back home. Unsure of how it will pan out. I am weary, 60 years old now. I gave up my job of a sister in nhs hospital, 5 years ago because of mums increasing needs from me. I kept collapsing myself and my own family now insisting for mum to stay in a nursing home, She does not want to!
Mum 85 years old, cannot care for herself, but thinks she does.
Lots more to say but enough said. Xx
 

angecmc

Registered User
Dec 25, 2012
2,108
0
hertfordshire
Hi sorted it now, new to this. I have looked after my mum since dad died, I live 5 mins from her, brother local too. Looks after her fish ponds, + garden. Sister lives 30 mins away. Both do not look after her, last 2 years I have had to step up a gear also. Continuously needed hospital admissions, past 6 months continuously hospitalised, house has needed builders in for rotten bathroom flooring falling into kitchen also.
I have had to deal with entirely alone too with. At present. Mum in a trial nursing home situation and improving with her health. Still wishing to go back home. Unsure of how it will pan out. I am weary, 60 years old now. I gave up my job of a sister in nhs hospital, 5 years ago because of mums increasing needs from me. I kept collapsing myself and my own family now insisting for mum to stay in a nursing home, She does not want to!
Mum 85 years old, cannot care for herself, but thinks she does.
Lots more to say but enough said. Xx

Hi Countryhouse, it worries me when you say your own family are insisting that your Mum stays in the nursing home. Do you mean your immediate family or siblings? If it is your immediate family, they may be concerned for your health, in which case you should perhaps listen to them, they may feel Mum is getting too much for you now. My Mum is in permanent care, she is not happy, but we could not cope any longer and I have to say she wasnt happy in her own home either, so we decided that even though she isnt happy, she is well cared for and safe. Horrible dilemma for you xx

Ange
 

Haylett

Registered User
Feb 4, 2011
1,145
0
Hi sorted it now, new to this. I have looked after my mum since dad died, I live 5 mins from her, brother local too. Looks after her fish ponds, + garden. Sister lives 30 mins away. Both do not look after her, last 2 years I have had to step up a gear also. Continuously needed hospital admissions, past 6 months continuously hospitalised, house has needed builders in for rotten bathroom flooring falling into kitchen also.
I have had to deal with entirely alone too with. At present. Mum in a trial nursing home situation and improving with her health. Still wishing to go back home. Unsure of how it will pan out. I am weary, 60 years old now. I gave up my job of a sister in nhs hospital, 5 years ago because of mums increasing needs from me. I kept collapsing myself and my own family now insisting for mum to stay in a nursing home, She does not want to!
Mum 85 years old, cannot care for herself, but thinks she does.
Lots more to say but enough said. Xx

Hi Country House,

I looked after my Mum at her home until she died this June - but I couldn't have possibly managed without the help of carers, or without partial funding of the care package by the Council. And we were extraordinarily fortunate - Mum was happy and either the illness had progressed beyond aggression, wandering, fretfulness etc or we managed somehow to keep all those feelings at bay. Because she had no anxiety, she slept well at night - but it was 365 days a year, and constant vigilance during her waking hours. But you know very well what it's like.

To offer my twopenneth - I'd really ensure that you have the backing you really need to be able to help your Mum before bringing her home again - and to gauge that support, you need to consider how your mother might be, in six months, 12 months, a year's time. I'm sure you also need a break because caring (much as we do it with all our heart) is relentless in the demands it makes of you. Do you have a social worker? Before considering a move back home, I would try to wrest as many hours as possible to help you help your Mum.

And although this is playing Devil's Advocate - you know your own situation better than anyone - having made a partial transition to residential care, if the care is good and your Mum might be happy and settled, given time, would it be better to pursue that, and make it as good as it can be, rather than have to go through the same difficulties and pain of making that transition, only one year later?

Whatever happens, I wish you all the luck in the world but please get whatever support you can. 60 is still very young....

PS. Thank you angecmc for your encouragement, and to all those who rallied to support me in my encounter of the Invisible kind! I'll not post more here because I feel bad about having hijacked the thread somewhat, safe to say, dear Readers, despite provocation of epic proportions, I Did Not Rise!!! :)