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Invisible siblings - an ultimatum

artyfarty

Registered User
Oct 30, 2009
267
0
London
"Sister N has been in touch and offered to either visit mum on Sundays or help me with the myriad number of jobs that have built up." This comment makes me wonder whether you have been specific with your siblings about the help that you want? I am not excusing their lack of support, but it might be easier to get some assistance if you tell them exactly what needs to be done. Then they can choose from the list! ;)

If you've got a stack of repairs to be done then you could ask for help with these. Perhaps the blokes would be happy mending hinges or painting, or carting stuff to the tip, or whatever, rather than the embarrassment of personal care or engaging in conversation with a relative who scares or bores them. :(

Hi Katrine - yes, I was thinking the same thing - that I have to be specific and that I ought to tailor my request to what they are going to be happy/comfortable to do. I feel like I am walking on eggshells all the time so will have to build up to anything too onerous. The old resentment kicks in though when I consider that I don't get that choice - and I have to spend my time organising them instead of being able to just leave them to it.

But - as already mentioned I am going to have to work a bit harder at letting that resentment go somehow. Can't expect miracles and at least I have had some offer of help which is very welcome!
 

cheryl k

Registered User
Sep 9, 2012
116
0
invisible siblings = an ultimatum

Hi everyone

Just posted onto TP and came across this thread. I agree with everyting that has been posted. I too have a sibling thar has taken advantage of my Dad and myself financially and emotiionally. I have had to let go of the resentment which is easier said than done. My dad's son, which is what I now call him, is kept up to date my me with a text "Dad up-date". When he then proceeds to criticize everyone else to make himself look better, I totally ignore those texts and do not respond. I consider myself an only child which I have had to do for my health on orders of the doctor. This is one thing we do not need when taking of our parents with alzheimer's. I sure hope you have better luck than I have had. I just do not depend on him anymore, take all measures to protect myself legally and move on. Sorry but that sure felt good .
 

Rooley

Registered User
Dec 8, 2012
55
0
My brother was a bit useless when Mum was in the last 6-9 months of her life.

He too was 120 miles away and didn't cope very well with the practicalities of it all when Mum declined, became doubly incontinent and forgot who he was.

He acknowledged that then as he watched and heard me down the phone getting more broken by the week, and finally agreed that we should look for a care home...

I don't blame him for anything, I was here - he was not. We have always been quite close and I'm not going to lose my brother as well as having lost my Mum, but many times I wished it was me driving back home 120 miles from it all after the once a month visit and I failed to hide my anger.

Now... now it is done he understands the horror and is humble. He's been a great support to me after the event but couldn't deal with the events as they were happening.
 

skaface

Registered User
Jul 18, 2011
109
0
Ramsgate
I am lucky in that although my sister lives 240 miles away in Scunthorpe, she is very supportive even though she can't be here to do anything practical for our mother.

She used to live with mum but left in 2004 because she was near a mental breakdown herself.

Our mother has always been very paranoid (and due to some very nasty stuff that went on when we were both children we think she may have had some previous mental health problems aside from any dementia she might have now) but around that time she got even worse and kept on at my sister so much that she felt she needed to get away to preserve her mental health.

I understand, I really do, but it would be nice to have her nearby to help with the crazier things mum says and does.

We hadn't spoken to each other for over 20 years, until last year when I got in touch because I felt it was only fair she understood what was happening with mum who sometimes forgets who my sister is.

My sister announced at the weekend that she's getting married next year (for the first (and probably last) time at the age of 59), and she hasn't told mum yet (or maybe she has and that's why mum is behaving so badly at the moment) but that is something for us all to look forward to.
 

cheryl k

Registered User
Sep 9, 2012
116
0
invisible siblings = an ultimatum

ange

Can we ship our twin brothers to the other side of the world --- lol

Cheryl
 

cheryl k

Registered User
Sep 9, 2012
116
0
invisible siblings = an ultimatum

sorry mamsgirl just wishful thinking on my part

Cheryl
 

Jaycee23

Registered User
Jan 6, 2011
383
0
uk
can my brother join in? All his vengeance seems to be directed to me but I have had that all my life. He needs someone to blame and curse and I was the easy going one and when I left home I managed to have a good life and family. All he has is children everywhere who won't have anything to do with him and on and of women who are hypnotised with his charm! :D

ange



Can we ship our twin brothers to the other side of the world --- lol

Cheryl
 

Mamsgirl

Registered User
Jun 2, 2013
635
0
Melbourne, Australia
can my brother join in? All his vengeance seems to be directed to me but I have had that all my life. He needs someone to blame and curse and I was the easy going one and when I left home I managed to have a good life and family. All he has is children everywhere who won't have anything to do with him and on and of women who are hypnotised with his charm! :D

Yeah, Jaycee? See above :)
 

Kazbaz

Registered User
Jun 24, 2013
8
0
Hi Artyfarty,
I am in the same situation and when i read your original post i thought 'Hope she has better luck than me'. But i see from reading down thats probably not the case.
I also have cancer to deal with but despite my own health issues and Dad and his vascular dementia she barely passes the time of day with me. My sister lives an hours drive away I've felt REALLY let down and had to learn the hard way that some people are pretty hopeless and not to waste energy on them. Its hard when it's your own family though.
 

artyfarty

Registered User
Oct 30, 2009
267
0
London
Hi Artyfarty,
I am in the same situation and when i read your original post i thought 'Hope she has better luck than me'. But i see from reading down thats probably not the case.
I also have cancer to deal with but despite my own health issues and Dad and his vascular dementia she barely passes the time of day with me. My sister lives an hours drive away I've felt REALLY let down and had to learn the hard way that some people are pretty hopeless and not to waste energy on them. Its hard when it's your own family though.

Sorry to hear you have your own health worries - it must be a very hard time for you. You're right when you say that it's hard when its your own family - it's very difficult to let the hurt go isn't it?!

In my own case I have had partial success with Sister N which is compensating a bit for Brother A's lack of interest. It's only me doing the caring though and when you've had a long day, you've been asked the same question a million times or whatever - it's very easy for the resentment to well up. Am trying to get over it but as we all know it ain't easy!
 

SWMBO1950

Registered User
Nov 17, 2011
2,076
0
Essex
All the experiences of those who have posted on this particular subject i find my heart going out to.

On a slightly lighter note (but same subject) I sometimes have a little joke and say to my Mum "shall I get *** to come over and look after you for a while"? she either raising her eyes to say 'As If' or says "if she was here I would not have any money in the bank"!!

Which just shows that even in her often muddled mind 'She Knows' but it must hurt her especially knowing what she did for her in her young life i.e. keeping her and not getting her adopted (my mum was a unmarried mother in the 1940s).
 

SWMBO1950

Registered User
Nov 17, 2011
2,076
0
Essex
Hi Cheryl K

I think you are really good to keep texting your brother. If it were mine I would stop! I do not suffer these types of people (fools) gladly. Then let him complain as much a he liked, to who ever he wanted to so long as I did not have to listen/read it.

I commend you for wanting to keep the avenues of communication open but sometimes there is a point too far.

Well done anyway you are doing well :)

Hi everyone

Just posted onto TP and came across this thread. I agree with everyting that has been posted. I too have a sibling thar has taken advantage of my Dad and myself financially and emotiionally. I have had to let go of the resentment which is easier said than done. My dad's son, which is what I now call him, is kept up to date my me with a text "Dad up-date". When he then proceeds to criticize everyone else to make himself look better, I totally ignore those texts and do not respond. I consider myself an only child which I have had to do for my health on orders of the doctor. This is one thing we do not need when taking of our parents with alzheimer's. I sure hope you have better luck than I have had. I just do not depend on him anymore, take all measures to protect myself legally and move on. Sorry but that sure felt good .
 

Haylett

Registered User
Feb 4, 2011
1,145
0
I'm so sorry for everyone who's caught up in this horrible Catch 22. We somehow feel bound to our siblings and say very little often out of respect for the person whom we care for but it's so hard - and I for one, have struggled for years to "let go" of this negative baggage but I know I'm not there yet.

Two days after Mum died, I had a call from my Invisible to warn me not to trust carers who kindly offered to help me sort out Mum's personal effects. Yet these were carers who had put in extra hours at Christmas, when Mum had been in hospital - who had been with her for years - and who wanted to help me through the emotional task of sorting out Mum's clothing and more personal items. Mum had nothing of great value - to those of us who cared for her, she was the gem at the heart of the house however tough it got.

The irony was that the only people who had removed anything of any value from the house was my brother and his wife. When Mum was admitted to hospital a few years ago, they found the time (not to visit) but to rescue her jewellery from an uninhabited house. When I asked for it to be returned to Mum, it never appeared - and everything, including her engagement ring has mysteriously disappeared. Had my brother had his wish and fast-tracked Mum into residential care when she was diagnosed, he would have no inheritance to inherit...

And the double double irony? I loathe the fact that their behaviour and acidy comments provoke an equally petty response from me. I can't resist posting because reading all your posts makes my stomach churn with the injustice of it all.

I long to let go and until I do, I know I'll drag this wretched baggage along with me. I'm glad Mum never really understood quite how callous my brother was. Toward the end, she had forgotten how he made her cry in the beginning. She forgot the insults, that neither he nor his children came to visit her, that invitations to her dried up years ago.

But it's so hard, this "letting go", isn't it?
 

cheryl k

Registered User
Sep 9, 2012
116
0
invisible siblings = an ultimatum

Hi Cheryl K

I think you are really good to keep texting your brother. If it were mine I would stop! I do not suffer these types of people (fools) gladly. Then let him complain as much a he liked, to who ever he wanted to so long as I did not have to listen/read it.

I commend you for wanting to keep the avenues of communication open but sometimes there is a point too far.

Well done anyway you are doing well :)

Tks I text my brother with Dad update on the advice of my attorney. I don't look at my brothers answers because they upset me so. This is the only contact I have because of health issues. My Doctor gave me a lecture on taking care of myself for my husband and daughter. I have gone through the stages of loss with my brother and it feels like the weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Everyone once in awhile I don't deny that I let it bother me, but I try to tell myself don't go there live my life and do not let my brother control me.

Cheryl
 

angecmc

Registered User
Dec 25, 2012
2,108
0
hertfordshire
Good for you Cheryl, I too no longer let my brother bother me, I only hear from him now if I phone or text him, he never makes the effort to call me, which because of his behaviour suits me. I send occasional texts to update on Mum, he usually answers with some rubbish and now I just laugh at them. My son is getting married next year, guess who is not on the guest list ;) lol xx

Ange
 

cheryl k

Registered User
Sep 9, 2012
116
0
invisible siblings = an ultimatum

Good for you Cheryl, I too no longer let my brother bother me, I only hear from him now if I phone or text him, he never makes the effort to call me, which because of his behaviour suits me. I send occasional texts to update on Mum, he usually answers with some rubbish and now I just laugh at them. My son is getting married next year, guess who is not on the guest list ;) lol xx

Ange

Ange

Good for you also. Isn't it liberating to be the one in control finally. Also, good for you with your son's guest list. That is ditto for our daughter when the time comes.

Take care

Cheryl