1. Q&A: Lasting Power of Attorney (LPA) - Thursday 27 Sept, 3-4pm

    Power of attorney (LPA) is a legal tool that gives another adult - often a carer or family member - the legal authority to make decisions on behalf of someone with dementia, if they become unable to themselves.

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Invisible Concerned About Dad's Power Of Attorney And The House

Discussion in 'Legal and financial issues' started by MaNaAk, Sep 10, 2018.

  1. MaNaAk

    MaNaAk Registered User

    Jun 19, 2016
    676
    Essex
    Hello Everyone!

    Dad's POA for Finance and Property is as follows with me as attorney and my brothers as replacement attorneys however the elder of my two brothers is concerned that at some point in the future I could be deceived by someone and end up signing the deeds of the house over to a virtual stranger. He wants something that is binding to prevent this from happening. I have tried to tell him that as replacement attorney they are supposed to take over from me anyway and do my job. I have been advised not to have three attorneys acting together just in case we don't agree and in our case my two brothers don't get on. So anyway would I have to re-register dad's POA for this and what is everyone else's experience.

    MaNaAk
     
  2. love.dad.but..

    love.dad.but.. Registered User

    Jan 16, 2014
    3,490
    Kent
    Only the donor..your dad...can. However he would need still to have mental capacity to revoke the current poa and do a new one so if he doesn't have mental capacity it is a non starter.The only way your brothers as replacement attorneys can be involved or take over is if you no longer which to act for your dad and you inform the OPG and remove yourself I think. Why does the brother think that you would not be diligent in any handling of sale of house necessary for your dad's sole benefit? If your brothers don't get on it could cause difficulties but my sister and I had joint and several on finance and health and it worked well.
     
  3. Kevinl

    Kevinl Registered User

    Aug 24, 2013
    4,442
    Salford
    As has been said your dad would have to have capacity to revoke the current POA and to make a new one, if he lacks capacity none of that can happen.
    Why your brothers think you might hand the house over to a "virtual stranger" I can't imagine but it sounds like there's some family back story here for them even to think that.
    If he can make a new POA then if you have to act jointly then you'll all have to agree on every decision that has to be made, if you are allowed to act separately then one person alone could do something the other 2 disagree with and there's nothing the other 2 could do about it.
    If you brother/s think you could be influenced into handing the house over then they can go to the land registry and "register an interest" in the house, that would mean that if it changed hands, a loan was secured against it or a re-mortgage they'd be told and asked to consent to it.
    You can't re register a POA, you cancel/revoke the old one and make a whole new one from scratch and so you'll have to go through the whole process of registering it with the banks and all that faff as the old POA no loner exists.
    Families, can't live with them, can't kill them. Only children are so lucky.
    K
     
  4. MaNaAk

    MaNaAk Registered User

    Jun 19, 2016
    676
    Essex
    Thankyou both of you! The elder of my two brothers remembers what happened to my neighbour years ago but I think there is more to it than that. You see his mil has Dementia and there has been a feud in the family so I think this has something to do with this. However with regard to dad's POA I told my brothers all about it and I sent them the link. Of course with my youngest brother because he is local I was able to visit him but with my other brother being two hundred miles away it was a bit different. My brother should have shown more interest in the POA instead of bringing this up two years down the line. Families!

    MaNaAk
     
  5. Duggies-girl

    Duggies-girl Registered User

    Sep 6, 2017
    862
    Absolutely @MaNaAk my brother showed no interest in his dad. He was happy for me to see to all of dad's care needs, including shopping, appointments, haircuts, whatever, you name it, I did it but poa yes he was very concerned.

    He had the chance as I spoke to him twice and each time I got a sarky reply so I just went and did it myself. To be honest I would rather he had done it, then I could have had six holidays and no worries.

    My brothers concern is not about his dad, it is about his dad's money. Don't be bullied by him. You have done your best for your dad and have had a lot on your plate.
     
  6. MaNaAk

    MaNaAk Registered User

    Jun 19, 2016
    676
    Essex
    Thankyou Duggies-girl.

    I have a feeling this is going on with my sister-in-law and her side of their family as well. Also dad's will has got a mention my brother has unfounded about certain relatives but I have had to reassure him about the house and money and he has brought my nephews into this aspect. With my invisibles the list goes on and on as no doubt it has done with your brother and whilst I know this particular invisible loves me very much and says that he wants me to keep the roof over my head there was one instance where he said he wants his sons to inherit their share of this house!
    This goes to show what he knows about wills because I understand that generally properties are handed down to children in this case it would be myself and my two brothers and my brother's sons would inherit their own father's house so yes I can't be bullied by him and I was pleased to read ont of your threads which seemed to suggest that your brother is doing more to help. This is great news and I hope he carries on meanwhile how is your husband? I hope he is recovering and also I hope your dad is comfortable. You are a wonderful wife, daughter and sister.

    Hugs (virtual (this has been to everyone because I am recovering from shingles)) and cuddles

    MaNaAk
     
  7. Duggies-girl

    Duggies-girl Registered User

    Sep 6, 2017
    862
    Oh thank you @MaNaAk My husband is well but taking it easy. He is going to get a monitor to wear in a couple of weeks for a weekend and hopefully it is just a small thing. Dad is doing amazingly well considering. He has put on a bit more weight and is very happy, just doesn't know that he is ill. I think perhaps his positive attitude helps with the cancer as he has no worries and is stress free.

    Yes I am still getting some help but I have not said thank you because as far as I am concerned my brother is helping his dad (as he should)

    I think that the will decides where the house and money goes and it has to be distributed as to your dads instructions and if grandchildren are not mentioned then they are not entitled to any share, of course your brother can pass some or all of his share onto them if he wishes but your share would remain your share. Any executor must follow your dads instructions to the letter.

    I don't know about you but I hate all this money stuff. Our dads are still alive and as long as they are their money is still theirs. I am buying my dad all the best food that I can find for him. Fancy desserts because he loves them and they are also packed with calories for him which he needs.

    sorry that you have shingles, I have heard that they can be very painful. Try to make the most of the rest and hope things improve soon. Wishing you well.
     
  8. love.dad.but..

    love.dad.but.. Registered User

    Jan 16, 2014
    3,490
    Kent
    I had face shingles earlier in the year so you have my sympathy...very painful...hope you feel better soon...and brother starts acting sensibly
     
  9. MaNaAk

    MaNaAk Registered User

    Jun 19, 2016
    676
    Essex
    Oh Duggies-Girl you are wonderful and I'm very pleased for husband and your dad! I'm pleased that your dad has such a positive attitude, you mention your dad's cancer well when dad was in hospital before xmas the doctor said to me are you aware that he suffers from heart failure. This was news to me! So I said no but I couldn't help but remember what he was like when mum was dying of heart problems so I said to myself thank goodness he's not aware of what the doctor just said because I can just imagine how he would feel! I hope your husband continues to feel better but you must look after yourself.

    As for these money issues I feel I am being tied in knots because I am the one looking into these things and my invisibles are jumping to conclusions because they never did their own research in the first place. I also feel very awkward talking about dad's will when he's still alive
    and also my brother should be interested in dad's wellbeing above everything else.

    Like your dad I'm pleased to see that dad is eating well and I am bringing him Malaysian curries so that he can still enjoy them and the home is learning more about oriental cooking. The shingles seems to be improving and I am having a slightly better night's although I have to lever myself when I turnover. I've never felt pain like that before and I should have gone to the doctor's sooner.

    Anyway dad's happy and my youngest brother took him out for coffee yesterday but one thing I couldn't understand was when they brought the suitcase with more clothes for dad they didn't unpack it. This I find strange and goes to show that those who are not used to caring do not know what it entails!

    Look after yourself

    MaNaAk
     
  10. Duggies-girl

    Duggies-girl Registered User

    Sep 6, 2017
    862
    #10 Duggies-girl, Sep 14, 2018
    Last edited: Sep 14, 2018
    Oh the knotted feeling, I know that well, it's horrible. I understand about the suitcase too. They just don't understand what you do. I have found food in dads fridge that I didn't put there which is ok as it is nice to know that they are trying but I buy dad better food. Four pots of chocolate mousse appeared but they are the cheap ones, they are ok for anyone else especially if you are on a diet but dad needs calories so I buy him some expensive ones, they are only the size of a shot glass and they have 200 calories each so he would eat three of these to one of the cheap ones and get calories galore. I also know he did not get his ice cream and cream last weekend. which is very important. I give it to him every night half hour or so after his dinner. All these calories are giving dad some weight at last and he looks much better. We are aiming for ten stone which for a man who has weighed twelve and a half stone all of his life is still very underweight but better than he was.

    Malaysian curry sounds lovely, we had a few days in Kuala Lumpur some years ago and the food was wonderful. We travelled from Bangkok to Singapore by train and stopped along the way trying all the different foods. Loved it all although it was a bit too hot for me.

    Sorry to hear of your dads heart problem. Dad only knows he has cancer when he goes for an appointment then he instantly forgets. I suppose it must help as he has no worries at all so yes he is positive about most things.

    Well I think the both of us are doing a very good job looking after our dads but we must look after ourselves too. I might treat my husband to a nice Indian meal at the weekend as we have a very authentic restaurant close by. I usually go for something with paneer, my favourite.

    Take care of yourself @MaNaAk

    I am watching the re-run of The Good Karma Hospital on ITV3 I don't usually watch medical programmes but I like this one.
     
  11. MaNaAk

    MaNaAk Registered User

    Jun 19, 2016
    676
    Essex
    Dear Duggies-girl,

    If you ever get time try to see the 'Marigold Hotel' films and also treat yourself and your husband to that Indian. Personally I always make sure I have naan bread with any Indian meal and if I can I go for Peshwari. Your dad is so lucky to have all these treats from his daughter. Dad's heart is okay at the moment and the last time it was checked they couldn't find anything but of course he can't walk so far nowand whilst he was living me I noticed him wheezing but nothing's been said about this in the care home so I assume that everything is being taken at a very gentle pace.

    My brothers never ever got to grips with my dad's diabetes therefore if I wasn't there dad would not get any dessert. I used to give him fruit in juice with carnation milk or custard made with canderel (this is lovely). Also they would bring sweet treats for me but no savoury treats for dad or his favourite sugar-free chocolate from Mr Simms. I don't know who they thought was going to come and unpack that suitcase because it obviously couldn't be me so as they were going away yesterday I phoned the home and asked them to unpack it. A care home normally expects the relatives of a dementia sufferer to unpack for them and if they don't have dementia then the carer would normally unpack with the resident. Maybe they expected dad to do it! Heaven knows where he would put everything!

    Also if you are in the far east again try visiting Kedah near the Thai border which is where dad was born and also Sabah, East Malaysia where we lived for eight years. I also suggest that you try frying fish and chicken in turmeric.

    Enjoy

    MaNaAk

    PS: Last night was less painful for me. Thank goodness!
     
  12. Duggies-girl

    Duggies-girl Registered User

    Sep 6, 2017
    862
    I love The Marigold Hotel films @MaNaAk and so does dad. I especially loved the first one but they were both good. Hopefully I will get to the far east again one day and check those places out. My son lived in Tokyo for a year and I visited him but Japanese food is not as good as the Thai and Malaysian foods and it is much more expensive.

    One day perhaps.

    My dad is eating for England at the moment, I can't seem to keep up with him. Can't complain as he is looking much better.

    Glad the pain is easing for you.
     
  13. MaNaAk

    MaNaAk Registered User

    Jun 19, 2016
    676
    Essex
    Dear Duggies-girl,

    I'm glad your dad is eating for England one of the worse things about dementia is when the PWD decides to eat hardly anything. In your case you would have been very worried about your dad keeping a healthy appetite because of his cancer and in my case I was incredibly worried about dad's diabetes but now I am told that dad eats a healthy diet. Of course I tried to keep his weight and sugar levels up but I was fighting a losing battle. However I can still bring those curries to the care home. Maybe I will take some banana or potato fritters to the care home one day and also I hope you tried these whilst you were in Malaysia. They are very easy to make in that the bananas and sweet potatoes are sliced and fried in batter. It's good to see our fathers putting on weight isn't it. Now if I could just stop waking up with the itchy remnants of shngles
    I would be even happier.

    MaNaAk
     
  14. MaNaAk

    MaNaAk Registered User

    Jun 19, 2016
    676
    Essex
    Dear love.dad.but,

    I'm much better now and I will go and see dad in one or two days time because I may not be contagious now but he will want to cuddle me and he won't understand why I am in pain. Anyway my youngest brother had shingles on his face like you and I understand that there is a risk of blindness if you don't receive treatment soon enough so I hope your sight is okay. My brother still has some blurred vision but as for other brother I wouldn't guarantee that he will start behaving sensibly because he has a tendency to throw things up when you least expect it. Neither of my brothers know what it is like to be a carer anyhow dad is having his cataract operation on Friday
    and it looks as though I will be well enough to take him to hospital. What would my brothers do without me?

    MaNaAk
     
  15. love.dad.but..

    love.dad.but.. Registered User

    Jan 16, 2014
    3,490
    Kent
    Thank you @MaNaAk ...I struggled with terrible headache for 2 weeks that painkillers wouldn't clear and thought the spots were unconnected so dragged myself to gp who told me I should have gone much earlier as blisters could have spread to eye as so close. I was given anti viral drops and meds and I was lucky. Didn't even think it could be shingles. I think quite often in families the care is left to one sibling and the other siblings are fairly invisible...was in my family as well.
     
  16. MaNaAk

    MaNaAk Registered User

    Jun 19, 2016
    676
    Essex
    Dear Love.Dad.But,

    I thought that the fever was allergic rhiniitis (something which I have all the time) and that the rash was excema (something which I also suffer from). When the rash got worse I thought it was hives
    and it was then that I thought about going to the doctors. On the Sunday before I phoned my brother up saying that I couldn't get to see dad because I was under-the-weather and I could they come and collect the suitcase with dad's clothes. He and his partner didn't do this straight away but they did go however I found it strange that they never unpacked his suitcase and whilst it was good that they took dad out for a coffee it was a friend who offered to do my shopping for me. I shouldn't expect my sibling to do this because of the 'wonderful' care they gave dad. When I get to dad's age I must organise things so that I don't have to rely on invisibles. No doubt you are thinking of this yourself.

    When I said I had shingles they were sympathetic but that was it!

    MaNaAk
     
  17. Moggymad

    Moggymad Registered User

    May 12, 2017
    234
    Female
    Northamptonshire
    #17 Moggymad, Sep 18, 2018 at 12:59 AM
    Last edited: Sep 18, 2018 at 1:38 AM
    Aah @MaNaAk i hope you don't mind me saying this but I have read most of your threads & you come across as a very caring & positive person. Your invisibles do not seem to appreciate what you have done for your dad & by default for them too. If you hadn't done it then who would have? Your dad obviously loves you very much.
    I hope in the future someone comes into your life that gives you the same care & concern you have given to others :)
    BTW I too have had shingles. It was in my ear following a very heavy cold & ear infection. I thought the blisters were from the hot water bottle I'd had pressed against my ear for a few days!
     
  18. MaNaAk

    MaNaAk Registered User

    Jun 19, 2016
    676
    Essex
    Dear Moggymad,

    That must have been painful. I think we carers are so concerned about others that we don't always think that we can get ill so we must remember to look after ourselves as well. My youngest brother's partner texted me to find out how I was and when I said I was much better. That's when they came to see me I probably could have dome with seeing them before as they could have done a bit of shopping but given the amount of care they gave dad I wasn't expecting too much. Anyway I've read some of your posts and I think your pretty amazing as well.

    Hugs to you

    MaNaAk
     
  19. Rolypoly

    Rolypoly Registered User

    Jan 15, 2018
    2,169
    Good to hear you are feeling better, no doubt your invisibles will be relieved to have you back doing :rolleyes:. Don’t do too much too soon otherwise you’ll put your recovery back. Sending you a big hug to keep you going.
     
  20. MaNaAk

    MaNaAk Registered User

    Jun 19, 2016
    676
    Essex
    Thankyou Roly! I'm just doing what I can at the moment. Tomorrow was supposed to be dad's cataract operation but that's had to be cancelled because the home took him to his pre-op on Tuesday the opthalmology consultant decided that he needed a general anaesthetic rather than a local anaesthetic and sedation so we are now waiting for another date and I will be discussing this with my brothers. I and at least one of my invisibles are in favour of dad being able to see properly especially as he has grandchildren and I want to delay any further deterioration in his sight although I do know that he will be more confused to start with and of course there is his age. However dad's not to bothered and when he was at the hospital he kept introducing the carer to everyone and then he went back to the care home and told them that he'd had a wonderful time!

    I hope you and your mum are okay. Hugs to you but I've just remembered he had an appointment about his hearing aids today s here's hoping he doesn't play 'Hunt The Hearing Aids' before the next appointment. Also I wonder if he has an accomplice!

    MaNaAk
     

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