1. Expert Q&A: Benefits - Weds 23 October, 3-4pm

    Our next expert Q&A will be on the topic of benefits. It will be hosted by Lauren from our Knowledge Services team. She'll be answering your questions on Wednesday 23 October between 3-4pm.

    You can either post your question >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll be happy to ask them on your behalf.

  1. Donkeyshere

    Donkeyshere Registered User

    May 25, 2016
    182
    channel islands
    So today is one year since the invisible BIL has seen his mum PWD (he lives 40 minute flight away) and he still thinks he has right to tell us what to do (she lives with us!) Shan't hold my breath that he might turn up for her 90th in December. To be honest I'm glad he has not been to see her as he causes issues but on the other hand, its sad that he can't make any effort for a whole year.
     
  2. Jaded'n'faded

    Jaded'n'faded Registered User

    Jan 23, 2019
    472
    Female
    High Peak
    Mum has just me and my brother. She had her major crisis 3 years ago - fall, hospital then straight to a care home. In the first year dear brother visited every month or two but was able to stay over at mum's house, then make it into a weekend trip. We sold mum's house to pay for her care, so now he and his wife drive up here, visit mum for half an hour then drive straight back home.

    Granted, brother lives a few hours drive away, but I do everything for mum. Last year he managed about 4 visits, this year just one - so far. I live 5 mins drive from the care home - a few times they have called in for coffee, other times they come up, visit and leave then tell me afterwards! He's an absolute charmer. Not.

    Just wanted to say that you are not alone. At least my brother doesn't criticise or tell me what to do. (Because then I'd have to kill him.)
     
  3. Donkeyshere

    Donkeyshere Registered User

    May 25, 2016
    182
    channel islands
    Totally get the charmer part - some of the OH's cousins no longer talk to us because of what the BIL said about us - and yet they have not seen her for 2 years! Families!
     
  4. jugglingmum

    jugglingmum Registered User

    Jan 5, 2014
    5,178
    Female
    Chester
    My brother is more along the lines of Jaded'n'faded's - no criticism or interference, just rarely visits. He doesn't work, lives on his own, I don't think he even picks his kids up from school, has enough funds to visit, (as his half of house was bought my his ex) and I would pay out of mum's money anyway, but only calls in if he has a reason to be in the area (ie an event of some sort - he does a lot of extreme sport type activities).
     
  5. Jaded'n'faded

    Jaded'n'faded Registered User

    Jan 23, 2019
    472
    Female
    High Peak
    Big brother offers a variety of excuses (he calls them reasons...) why he can't visit. He does have some medical problems so I can never say for sure if he's milking it, which he knows of course. However, I can't fail to notice these medical problems never stop him from going on holiday. He lives down south but travels up to Scotland regularly. He doesn't exactly pass my door but there's no doubt he could easily make a simple detour to visit mum on either his outward or return journey. Or both. But he never does...

    Initially I used to get angry about his behaviour but I don't anymore. He won't change and it only winds me up, so no point in stressing about it. We both hold LPA for mum so his 'role' is to look after the finances. (Fortunately I do trust him - he's very 'proper'.) Actually he gets his wife to do it all as he's a lazy so and so.... He's also mum's executor so he'll have to do all the work for that when mum dies - at least that's something I won't have to do.
     
  6. Rosettastone57

    Rosettastone57 Registered User

    Oct 27, 2016
    1,028
    My husband's sister moved abroad many years ago and never took much interest in her mother. When my mother-in-law went into a care home last year my sister-in-law barely even acknowledged the fact. That suited my husband and myself just fine as there were no family members to question our decisions as attorneys
     
  7. Donkeyshere

    Donkeyshere Registered User

    May 25, 2016
    182
    channel islands
    #7 Donkeyshere, Sep 6, 2019
    Last edited: Sep 6, 2019
    What gets me is that we as in myself and the OH, have arranged respite care so we can have a break together and he has the audacity to send a text saying we are being selfish making her go into a home!!! Seriously! A few months ago he went to America for his cousins memorial, 9 hours, god knows how much for the trip and at least a week away and yet no trip to see his mother.
     
  8. CardiffGirlInEssex

    CardiffGirlInEssex Registered User

    Oct 6, 2018
    38
    Reading this thread almost makes me glad I’m an “only”, at least there are no arguments about who should do what! Both my parents and I know there’s only me, being 200 miles away is not ideal though.
     
  9. Baker17

    Baker17 Registered User

    Mar 9, 2016
    257
    All these comments sound like my husband’s family as they are noticeable through their absence but have been quick to criticise me and have caused no end of trouble with social services believing every word they say, none of them speak to me anymore or visit their relations, hope they can live with themselves!
     
  10. Donkeyshere

    Donkeyshere Registered User

    May 25, 2016
    182
    channel islands
    I just believe in karma - my BIL made his choices a while back when he found out he was not getting any more money, funny how the lack of visits and nastiness all started when he found this out (less said about this the better) - he has to live with his choices not us.
     
  11. MaNaAk

    MaNaAk Registered User

    Jun 19, 2016
    1,282
    Essex
    I don't want to say too much but the other week one of my invisibles told me I was insensitive and narcissistic when I told him about some of the realities of caring for dad. This recent spat didn't just relate to me discussing plans for the house but other situations as well. On occasions when I got dad to hospital I was told I was marvellous but there were times when I was advised to think about other people. My other invisible is now acting as a sort of mediator though!

    MaNaAk
     
  12. TNJJ

    TNJJ Registered User

    May 7, 2019
    446
     
  13. TNJJ

    TNJJ Registered User

    May 7, 2019
    446
    Thank heavens I am an only child!As much as it can be difficult on your own ,I don’t have to contend with an “invisible “!
     
  14. Lynmax

    Lynmax Registered User

    Nov 1, 2016
    234
    I'm so lucky that all my siblings are very supportive and the three of us who live close by, work out who is doing what each week to make sure someone sees mum each day at mealtimes. We have a Whatsapp group which also includes my sister in the US as we didn't want her to feel left out or shocked at the changes in mum at her annual visit. She is very appreciative about all we do for mum to allow her to still live at home.

    It's even better now as for the past two weeks my younger sister has been working for 20 hours a week as mums carer, taking over the shopping, washing and also getting mum to go out to social activities.

    I feel so sorry for those of you who have to manage everything on your own, you deserve a medal!
     
  15. Donkeyshere

    Donkeyshere Registered User

    May 25, 2016
    182
    channel islands
    I'm pleased that you are all involved as much as you can be that is a blessing for you all. Unfortunately when the MIL first had her diagnosis we tried to discuss it with the invisible (at a family wedding), he just looked at me and said whats it to do with you and walked off! The only time he ever called was about money and now just to be abusive via texts which we ignore. Such a shame as he says its all in "his" mums best interests via a solicitor....!!?
     
  16. Lawson58

    Lawson58 Registered User

    My ex husband and I both had 2 children when we met. He was very good to my children and even though we split up years ago, we have remained amicable most of the time. Now in their fifties, his relationship with his own children is strained. Not that I could ever blame them for that as he is a grumpy, cantankerous control freak and in my mind he is showing some signs of dementia.

    He has had a a few health issues in the last few years and recently had a minor heart attack. He was admitted to hospital last night with lots of fluid on the lungs and quite frail. So my two children have been at the hospital with him since midnight. They phoned his son who lives a few minutes from the hospital and he wouldn't go and see his dad.

    They also contacted his daughter who lives a three hour flight away and she gave a whole heap of excuses why she couldn't come including that the cost of a flight wasn't in her budget. She was aware of her father's heart attack so the call didn't come out of the blue. She and her partner have no children and travel extensively overseas often.

    So that's how it is! Two kids that are not his own are supporting him while his own two won't.

    It was nice to be able to tell my kids how I am so proud of them.
     
  17. Donkeyshere

    Donkeyshere Registered User

    May 25, 2016
    182
    channel islands
    So true - my children (adults) not her grandchildren have stayed and looked after her when we have gone on holiday no questions asked - this time she is going into respite care because it would be too much for them. So be proud of your kids, because I am of mine - mine act more maturely than the invisible thats for sure!
     
  18. Dimpsy

    Dimpsy Registered User

    Sep 2, 2019
    181
    Female
    Families indeed!! Lynmax you and your siblings are to be much admired for the way you share the care.

    My sister and her family created so much trouble when mum chose to move in with us after dad died three years ago. You wouldn't believe the depths they sunk to.

    We never ever replied to any of the threatening / abusive / intimidating texts and emails that came our way, because I didn't want to cause any grief for my sister and now I'm so pleased we didn't retaliate.
    Their provocative behaviour resulted in SS themselves,reporting my sister and her husband to the local police and mum's protection became a priority safeguarding issue.

    And isn't it funny that since they were officially warned, over two years ago now, they have become invisible. My sister and her family show no interest whatsoever in how mum is nor offer to help with her care.

    In the days when they were trying their utmost to have mums mental capacity declared as incapacity, (and they tried really hard), a policeman told us that the aggression that was coming our way was because of money and sure enough, once mum's savings were secured for her future care, they stopped their bullying campaign.

    I feel sorry for my sister as she targeted not just mum and my family, but our cousin's as well; she caused a huge rift which may never be healed.

    You hear stories of family bust-ups and I always secretly thought it would never happen in our family.
    Well, it did.
     
  19. Lawson58

    Lawson58 Registered User

    #19 Lawson58, Sep 20, 2019
    Last edited: Sep 20, 2019
    Yesterday, my granddaughter went to visit my ex in hospital and his meal arrived which he refused to eat because he said he wasn't hungry. Anyway, she got him to eat it, funny really as it was a meat and pasta and she is vegan. But she persisted and he ate it all.

    She took my OH to the movies on Sunday. He really wanted to see the Downton Abbey movie and he said he enjoyed it but he was thoroughly confused about it. He insisted that that the son wasn't in the film and it turns out that he was mixed up with Downton Abbey and a dreadful Australian series called A Place to Call Home. So she is a great kid.

    The son who lives locally still hasn't visited his dad in hospital and the daughter got cranky because her father wouldn't (couldn't) answer his phone. They are pathetic but we know they will be there putting their hands up for their legacies when he finally dies.

    And it is nice to be able to tell my kids that I am so proud of them, that I know they are responsible and caring people and I couldn't ask for more than that.
     
  20. Donkeyshere

    Donkeyshere Registered User

    May 25, 2016
    182
    channel islands
    The Invisible has tried on a couple of occasions previously to "goad" the OH and even went to say that he would check to see if we were physically abusing her and would report us to the police! But since then its been solicitors letters (which he got nowhere) and now resorts to the odd abusive text - perhaps he could save that energy and money and spend it on his mum! But that would be too easy as we are the "baddies"!
     

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.