1. sue04

    sue04 Registered User

    Dec 30, 2007
    3
    Manchester UK
    Hiya everyone, I came across this site through browsing the web, I am from Manchester in the UK, a year ago we found out that my dad who is only 59 has alzheimers, apprantly he has had it for a few years, he has been put on medication but this does not seem to be helping.

    I live away but go home to see my parents every weekend to help out,(i only live an hour away), each time i see my dad i see a change in him, he is like an old
    man, stoops over when he is walking, drags his feet and his left arm just seems to hang down,it breaks my heart to see him struggle with simple things, my mum loses patience with him and takes over, which i think sometimes she should stand back and only step back if it really looks like that he cannot do it,
    What really hurts is that my dad pushes me away when i go to cuddle up to him,I am sorry for rambling on here but i am really finding it hard to come to terms to this horrible disease,i feel angry with it, is this normal for me to feel this way?

    sue04
    xx
     
  2. BeckyJan

    BeckyJan Registered User

    Nov 28, 2005
    18,972
    Derbyshire
    Welcome to TP - so sorry that you have to report such sad changes in your Dad. It is hard to 'judge' whether your Mum is right or wrong!! each person and each circumstance is so so different. My husband has Alz. and I tend to take over mainly to avoid his feelings of 'failure' but sometimes I let him 'have a go' at something.

    Is your Mum (and therefore you) getting help from outside sources? Depending on where you live you may get support - its out there if you find it!! Try the local Alz Society as they usually can keep you updated on local support. We are too far away but in the Manchester area there is Crossroads and Red Admiral Nurses - all excellent.

    I am sure you will get far more help on TP - just post on any problems you have.

    Best wishes Jan
     
  3. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Hi Sue, welcome to TP.

    Yes your feelings are perfectly nowmal, we all feel angry at the disease somethimes. It robs us of the person we love, although he is still there, he is not the same person.

    But always remind yourself to be angry at the disease, not your dad. He didn't do anything to deserve this.

    I think your mum has to develop her own tactics for dealing with your dad. No two sufferers are the same, so different strategies work for different people.

    BeckyJan is right, you should make sure your mum is getting all the help available. There is plenty of help out there, but you have to ask for it, and sometimes keep on asking until you get it.

    Social Services, Alzheimer's Society and Princess Royal Trust for Carers (local branches of these two) will all help to get support for your mum. Make sure she has a carer's assessment, to identify her own needs.

    Good luck,
     
  4. christine_batch

    christine_batch Registered User

    Jul 31, 2007
    3,388
    Buckinghamshire
    Dear Sue,
    Welcome to Talking Point. It is not a very nice things to meet people over is it? There will be many people who will come on line in due course and offer you advice.
    My husband was diagnoised at 58 as well as A.S. he has had several mild strokes.
    Although we are not medical, we can offer you our experiences and there are so many questions?
    Firstly, what medication is your Father on? If it is not having any noticeable effect, all depending on the drug, there are others that can be tried to find the correct one.
    What tests has your Father had ?
    In my husband's case regarding the cuddles etc., he just pushed me away and boy does that hurt like hell but unfortunately what goes on in their minds is a complete fog. Peter's Consultant who was also Research Consultant once told me it could be there way of not wanting us in their world of confusion, in other words - trying to protect us.
    As for the rambling it is so common and unfortunatrely goes with the illness. Although I could not understand a word Peter said, I answered in such a way they he was satisfied.
    There are brilliant Fact Sheets on the A.S. Home Page. The Local Alzheimer's Branch will give you lots of support as well as Head office and in speaking to someone there, they will send you out information.
    Only I can say is that there is always support here. Does your Mother have any support what so ever ?
    Sorry there are so many question but if you have as much information as possible, it does help.
    I wish you all the very best. Christine
     
  5. blue sea

    blue sea Registered User

    Aug 24, 2005
    270
    England
    Hello Sue
    I'm so very sorry to hear about your dad. Others have given you very sound advice. It is definitely 'normal' to feel as you do. The loss of your dad in his parental role of support and comfort to you is very hurtful, but sadly this is how the illness changes parent / child roles. I can understand your mum losing patience at times - it is incredibly hard to care 24/7 for someone with this illness. Your regular visits must be a lifeline for her. Regarding your loss of your dad's hugs - as this illness progresses you often have to find new ways to communicate. This varies with the individual, and at different stages of the illness. For example, I used to find that dad felt comforted by my walking with him with linked arms, later on in the illness he responded well to my gently massaging his shoulders or just sitting stroking his hand. This sort of contact can offer comfort to both of you, so it's worth trying something similar. Keep posting to let us know how things go. You will feel more in control of things if you are able to find out about possible sources of further help for your mum and dad.
    Blue sea
     
  6. Suzanna

    Suzanna Registered User

    Dec 5, 2007
    55
    Manchester/London
    welcome

    hi Sue,

    Just wanted to say hi, i live in Manchester, but my parents (my Mum is 59 and has Alzheimers) live in London so i'm afraid i dont really know about local services for them.
    I have been through various stages of emotion, anger definately being one of them!
    if you want to ask any specific questions or generally have a bit of a rant please do. there is also a specific 'younger people with dementia' section which i post in quite a bit.

    hope you are keeping yourself well


    Suzanna
     
  7. Lucille

    Lucille Registered User

    Sep 10, 2005
    542
    Hello Sue04

    Welcome to TP ... but also sorry that you have to be here!

    Your feelings are entirely normal. We wouldn't be human if we didn't feel angry and frustrated because of this disease. As you have seen, nothing is 'normal' anymore and it's difficult for us to have to re-adjust to such a massive change in someone we have known and loved (in most cases) all our lives.

    If your dad is on AD meds, I'm assuming he has a CPN/SW? As Hazel mentioned, your mum should find out about a carer's assessment (usually done through SS team). I've had one of these recently and cannot praise it highly enough. When caring for someone with Alzheimer's it's easy to jump on the 'treadmill' and keep running until you fall off! So having an hour to talk about how caring is affecting your mum and what support is available, is definitely worth it. For you, all you can do is offer as much help and love as you can spare. Unfortunately, this seems to be a long-haul illness and so having staying power is necessary - so don't neglect your own life and interests on the way as they will keep you going.

    Take care.
     
  8. sue04

    sue04 Registered User

    Dec 30, 2007
    3
    Manchester UK
    Thank you

    Hiya,
    A huge thank you to those of you who have replied, I am so touched by your warmness and understanding, hugs to all of you.

    A friend of mine once told me that this disease is called the long goodbye, at the time we did not know of my dad having this cruel disesae, so i didnt really understand what she meant, but now i do, i truly understand where she was coming from, i suppose i am still at the angry stage, i got angry with a family member over xmas, they were moaning that they felt really bad with the flu, i just saw red and had a go at them, i said sorry after though.

    happy new year to you all, well as happy as it can be, once again thank you for making me so welcome.

    sue04
     

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