Introducing the care home

[Zadok]

I'm very nearly 100% sure that a care home is needed now for mum and I've found one I like. Not an easy task in itself as everyone will know.
Someone came today from the home to 'assess' mum and that was really a little chat in her own home. No-one has really tackled telling mum.
In any case we can't tell her in advance of even the simplest things(or even nice treats like going out for Christmas lunch) as she remembers something is happening but not what it is, and is even more distressed in case she has to get ready or be somewhere.
Any advice on what we say if we take her for a trial?
I hope to be prepared and have ordered name tapes for her clothes etc. What about tights? How do I label those?
Zadok

 

[Robbie]

Be honest. Don't try to "con her". It doesn't work! Name labels are essential or else everything gets lost. Be ready to have to repeat everything. Also possibly to be told you are 'cruel' or 'unloving' or similar. Remember that whatever you do you can't win.
I speak from experience. Sorry to appear negative. It should all work out in the end

 

[Grannie G]

Hi Zadok,
All I can suggest is to say you are going on a short holiday or course. You don`t want to leave her by herself, so have arranged a short break for her too.
I believe some lies are justified.
I`d tell her as late as possible.
Good luck, Sylvia x

 

[CraigC]

Hi Zadok,

Everyone is different. And it would be unfair to say how to deal with this on an individual case. All I can do is post my experiences.

I wouldn't so much say that we 'conned' dad. Just made it easier for him to deal with it by giving him a bit of dignity when it came to the difficult moves. For example, we always said he was 'off to the club' for a break when it came to the day centre. And when it came to the home, we said that we needed him to be cared for to give mum a break. He took this incredibly well as he always felt that there was an underlying reason that invovled him thinking of others. But that has always been his nature. Don't get me wrong, it's not been a bed of roses, but one thing dementia has taught me it to keep an individuals dignity intact as far as possible. Who knows what is going on in dad's mind, but he has definitily retained some sort of reasoning and respect for others.

As I say, this is a difficult issue and there is no golden rule for all. You probably know your dad better then anyone.

Kind Regards and good luck
Craig

 

[jenniferpa]

As Craig says, it depends so much on the individuals involved. Like his father, my mother is still able to think about other people (well, specifically me), and because of this she is more willing to go along with what I suggest. She has more lucid periods where she strongly expresses the view that I should be able to have a life that is not confined by taking care of her. Also, and I think this is important, she does not exhibit paranoia which is, unfortunately, not uncommon. Because of that she understands that whatever I do for her, I do out of love. It may not be perfect, it may not be what she wishes at any given time, but then, she didn't wish to have several strokes and be left in this position. My conversations with her around this have tended to focus on safety and that at this point in her life, she deserves to be waited on hand and foot.

Jennifer