Introducing Myself

[Redbutterfly]

Hi Everyone, I am carer to my Mum who is 91 with mixed dementia - Alzheimer's and Vascular Dementia. I have just retired from a stressful job and caring for Mum is increasingly difficult. She lives on her own in a big house, with big garden and I usually see her 3/4 times a week. I attend to everything from personal care to coping with housework, gardening - literally everything. I have an EPA for financial matters only. The vascular dementia is, according to the psychiatrist, attributable to being an alcoholic. We have enforced teetotalism by not taking her to the shops for 3 weeks, as before she was forever falling over and several trips to A&E. She has not had a bath for 2 years, despite having a walk-in bath fitted and she's starting to smell.

My husband and I have now booked a holiday and we are arranging for a carer to visit her every day, just to check she is OK. Our family is covering the weekends only, as they are busy looking after our little grandchildren.

I went into meltdown a couple of days ago and shouted at Mum because she is refusing any other help, apart from family. She says she doesn't care about the squalor or if the garden becomes a jungle and that she can look after herself without strangers in the house.

I am completely exhausted and crying all the time; not sleeping. Time to look after myself and perhaps get some counselling, through GP. I fear we are heading for a crisis with Mum and feel so guilty at having a holiday on these terms. There is in-fighting in the family over what I should be doing/not doing. I feel like running away or jumping off a cliff at times. I belong to a carers' support group, read all the dementia books, am a Dementia Friends Champion, but I'm not coping at all well.

Would love to hear from anyone who has successfully persuaded a loved one to accept a carer.

Sorry this is such a long introduction. I would also like to give something back to this forum as I learn from this journey.

With Love

 

[starryuk]

Hello Redbutterfly and welcome.

I am sorry you are having such a hard time.

My friend has been having similar problems with her dad. I think people try to start by bringing the carer in with them as 'a friend' for a while and then beginning to pop out for a few minutes during the visit. But my mum's situation was different, so I can't really help.

There are many people here who have experience, though and I am sure they will be along soon!

 

[Grannie G]

Hello Redbutterfly

I'm afraid the only way your mother might be forced to accept more help will be if you withdraw yours. No matter what she says she will be relying on your regular presence and as long as she has it she will resist any alternative.

It's good you'll be having a holiday. When you return, try not to be so available. I know it will be difficult for you but your own health seem to be affected now and you are just as important as your mother.

 

[CollegeGirl]

Hello Redbutterfly, and a warm welcome, although I'm sorry you're having such a horrible time with your mum.

I was dismayed to hear about the in-fighting about what you should and shouldn't be doing for your mum. Are these very helpful family members actually willing to do anything themselves, I wonder ?

Take absolutely no notice of them. You do what you can, whatever that is, and what you can't do, don't do. Unless someone is prepared to pitch in, they have no right whatsoever to dictate to you.

And even if they are pitching in, you can only do as much as you feel able to, personally. Everyone is different; in the way they cope, in the time they have, in what other responsibilities they have, how they feel about being a carer.

My dad is my mam's carer and for a long time would not accept any help other than from me. But as things progressed, even he realised he couldn't do it all alone - especially when her aggression was turned on me and I was unable to help as much. Now they have carers several times a week and with the help of medication they are able to shower my mam three times a week. She also goes to a care home twice a week for the day, to give dad a break.

However, I understand that this is different from you having to persuade your mum, as she is the sufferer.

I hope you are able to enjoy your holiday and that this will be the turning point for her accepting carers. You never know.

xx

 

[Redbutterfly]

Accepting Carers & Doing One's Best

Thank you everyone for your lovely replies: I feel so much better for speaking to people who understand.

First of all I have to get an assessment done by the private care agency and I'll tell Mum just before I turn up with the assessor so that she doesn't fret. I am only asking that a carer comes once a day for chat and cuppa. I will also arrive with the carer and stay with them, making sure she likes them. Will build up from once a week, twice a week etc for a month before we go on holiday. Fingers crossed - they may even become her best friends. I understand that with dementia the emotional side of the person stays and Mum has always been stubborn.

You are so right about doing less to stop the total dependence. The window cleaner was sacked years ago as he came at 9.30 and scared the cat. I took no notice of the telescopic window pole she bought for DIY. Last year a hedge trimmer was bought, which I used but I am flatly refusing to do her garden this year. So I will be getting a gardener as well. Mum often 'speaks' through her cat. The cat doesn't like the vacuum cleaner; Mum complains of cold as she insists on leaving the patio door open so that the cat can come and go in the garden. The heating bills are terrible as she's heating the garden.

We're having a family conference to thrash things out. My son and daughter don't see their Nanny very often. My daughter is very supportive over the phone but on the rare occasion my son goes to her house he comes back with a list of suggestions: declutter kitchen etc, which is rather insulting. He means well but his experience is of one of his granny-in-laws. She was very compliant and mellow to help, which is not the case with my mother and on family get-togethers they see them at their best. I think all family were shocked when we had to carry her out of the restaurant after her 91st birthday meal. She had been swigging the brandy in the morning and then followed up with a bottle of wine. Hopefully, that is a thing of the past as no alcohol for over 3 weeks.

I feel a bit stronger now and I will try hard to detach a bit more with love. At least I am having a chuckle about some things at the moment.

XX