intro and ? should pops go into day care to give mum a break

soulsmilin

Registered User
Feb 13, 2007
43
48
Tyne and wear
hi, have posted on here but not really introduced myself,

At the moment pops is undergoing testing and lives at home with mom and sis is also there helping out, I live around 160 miles away and have been trying to get home as much as poss at the moment, to take pops out, we have had some great days out and I have got to know a different side to the man I know, which is lovely, also making things and doing art, games, puzzles. this also to give mum a break as she is the one that is their 24/7 and maybe get her to go to the pub with sis.

Pops started doing odd things about two years ago, gradually progressing, last september, we all was on holiday and was not to bad apart from making sure we didn't lose him because he would not of made it back to the room, now asks me who I am, is confused about being in 'someone elses home', and fading too fast from the bright spark he used to be.

Now my question is, have told mum that she needs to take some time to herself and pops has been offered two days a week at a local center, he went and thought it was great, lots of gardening and projects etc, mum tends to think is a geriatric bunch that sit around alot, know this is because she doesn't like the thought of him going, dont know weather this is because she feels responsable to keep him active, or maybe would feel she was abondoning him, know that if pops was 'in his right mind' would be the last place he would be, but think would be good to have additional stimulation and input and mum, desperatley needs some time to self.

have asked mum just maybe start with 1/2 day a week and see how goes, was also thinking of may be taking pops there myself as off for a couple of weeks, and seeing how he goes, looking at the long term can see mum getting burnt out and that she needs a bit of time to herself, and am I wrong to try and force my hand just because I think I'm trying to do the right thing?

any advice welcome,
 

soulsmilin

Registered User
Feb 13, 2007
43
48
Tyne and wear
brucie, thanks just found your posts on day care and the poll, am going to print out and maybe go through with mom, see if it helps open up conversation bit more
 

Nell

Registered User
Aug 9, 2005
1,170
68
Australia
soulsmilin said:
Now my question is, have told mum that she needs to take some time to herself and pops has been offered two days a week at a local center, he went and thought it was great, lots of gardening and projects etc, mum tends to think is a geriatric bunch that sit around alot, know this is because she doesn't like the thought of him going, dont know weather this is because she feels responsable to keep him active, or maybe would feel she was abondoning him, know that if pops was 'in his right mind' would be the last place he would be, but think would be good to have additional stimulation and input and mum, desperatley needs some time to self.

have asked mum just maybe start with 1/2 day a week and see how goes, was also thinking of may be taking pops there myself as off for a couple of weeks, and seeing how he goes, looking at the long term can see mum getting burnt out and that she needs a bit of time to herself, and am I wrong to try and force my hand just because I think I'm trying to do the right thing?

any advice welcome,[/
soulsmilin said:
soulsmilin said:
Hi soulsmilin!
Just want to give my own thoughts, but I know that only you and your Mum and your family can decide for yourselves what is best.

I totally agree about your Mum having a break. I have worked with families of dying children and I know that those who will not or cannot take a break inevitably end up burnt right out. Your Mum is obviously a wonderfully strong and caring woman, but no human can keep on caring forever without a break (IMHO) - altho' I know there are one or two on TP who do it.

As your Pops likes the day care I think it is a GREAT idea! On TP I read so many posts about AD people who refuse to go to day care or get upset if taken there, that it is wonderful to read about someone who enjoys it. I have read on TP that one TPer and family call it their Dad's "Club". Perhaps if your Mum could see it in that light, it would seem better to her. . . . . ??

It is true that your Pops may not have wanted to go if he was not suffering from AD, but the fact is that he IS an AD person now, and what used to suit him would probably be too difficult and challenging for him to enjoy now.

Think of it this way: when we are young we love to go to noisy concerts and stay out late dancing and having fun. Later in life, we think a quiet night in and an early bed time sound pretty good!! At different stages of our lives, different things suit us. At this stage of his life, it seems like day care suits your Pop!

I think your idea of going with him is wonderful. If you can give your Mum positive reports of how he copes with day care, she might feel better about it.

Also, perhaps you could point out to her that, if she gets regular breaks, she may manage to care for him over a longer period than if she uses up all her energy and gets burnt out. Then she would have no choice but to let others care for him, perhaps full time. This way, she gets some break and can "share the care" with the day care centre. This might mean she can keep caring for longer . . . .??

You sound like a lovely caring family and I think it is lovely that you are so keen to help your Mum and protect her from being overloaded. Your Pop is lucky to have you all. I hope you can find a solution that suits every one of you. Every best wish from Nell.
 

Lila13

Registered User
Feb 24, 2006
1,342
Hope you can persuade your mother to let him go for a few hours a week, if he's willing
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
71,084
Kent
Hi soulsmilin,

How I envy the fact your father thought the day care was great. That`s wonderful.

If my husband showed the slightest willingness to go to day care he`d go with my blessing and gratitude.

If he went to day care, I`d have a break a couple of times each week, to re-charge my batteries and, and this is much more important, my husband would have a change of scenery, a different environment, some stimulation and some interaction with new people.

What a boost for both of us.

I do hope your mother changes her mind and sees it as a benefit, rather than a deficit on her part.
 

Skye

Registered User
Aug 29, 2006
17,000
SW Scotland
Hi soulsmilin

Why don't you and your mum both call in to the day centre, either mid-morning or after lunch? They're always happy to see family, and if your mum sees your dad happily occupied, she might accept it more.

If you took your mum out for lunch in between, she'd see the benefits for herself too.

Day care does John so much good, and if your dad is enjoying it, it's obviously right for him.

Love,
 

RussellC

Registered User
Jul 6, 2006
47
Day care is a great idea, particularly as your Dad has tried it and likes it.

My Dad went to the Day Centre for two years and he thoroughly enjoyed it! He benefited from being with other people, he improved through social contact, and my Mum got a break.

In fact I always thought it gave him a better social life than mine!! They did a range of activities and even went out to a Garden Centre and for occasional lunches.

All the best

Russell
 

Nebiroth

Registered User
Aug 20, 2006
3,511
I would say, if Pops actually likes the Day Centre, then grab the opportunity with both hands!

In many situations the reverse is true, carers are in desperate need of some respite and their loved ones flatly refuse to go!

If your Pops enjoys the day out, then he will be getting the enjoyment plus the mental stimulation of different activities and meeting new people in a safe environment.

It will also give mum a vital break to recharge her batteries and to do things she enjoys or needs to do, again assured that Pops is being looked after.
 

dolly gee

Registered User
Mar 9, 2007
47
merseyside
soulsmilin said:
hi, have posted on here but not really introduced myself,

At the moment pops is undergoing testing and lives at home with mom and sis is also there helping out, I live around 160 miles away and have been trying to get home as much as poss at the moment, to take pops out, we have had some great days out and I have got to know a different side to the man I know, which is lovely, also making things and doing art, games, puzzles. this also to give mum a break as she is the one that is their 24/7 and maybe get her to go to the pub with sis.

Pops started doing odd things about two years ago, gradually progressing, last september, we all was on holiday and was not to bad apart from making sure we didn't lose him because he would not of made it back to the room, now asks me who I am, is confused about being in 'someone elses home', and fading too fast from the bright spark he used to be.

Now my question is, have told mum that she needs to take some time to herself and pops has been offered two days a week at a local center, he went and thought it was great, lots of gardening and projects etc, mum tends to think is a geriatric bunch that sit around alot, know this is because she doesn't like the thought of him going, dont know weather this is because she feels responsable to keep him active, or maybe would feel she was abondoning him, know that if pops was 'in his right mind' would be the last place he would be, but think would be good to have additional stimulation and input and mum, desperatley needs some time to self.

have asked mum just maybe start with 1/2 day a week and see how goes, was also thinking of may be taking pops there myself as off for a couple of weeks, and seeing how he goes, looking at the long term can see mum getting burnt out and that she needs a bit of time to herself, and am I wrong to try and force my hand just because I think I'm trying to do the right thing?

any advice welcome,
soulsmilin It is good your pops has a good and careing family we sought help from day care cntras one day a week for my sister and there is always respite care as well ,it is never easy but i wish you well dolly gee
 

alfjess

Registered User
Jul 10, 2006
1,213
south lanarkshire
Hi

As Dolly gee said daycare provides much needed respite care, for carers and gives sufferers stimulation and company.

Daycare can be provided at a day hospital, if there is one in your area.

Mum loved to go to the "club" Dad didn't mind it either. It was a day hospital and I think all the staff were CPN's, but it was only for assessment. After that they had to attend a daycentre, staff there were carers and Mum and Dad were not soo keen to attend.

Now, we have a terrible job persuading them to go to daycare "club" but if they don't go then I have an even worse time, keeping Mum occupied.

Poor Dad just follows Mum and does what she tells him, if he can understand, because she doesn't make sense at all, he becomes totally confused. ie. more confused than normally, but still tries his best to please her and look after her. It is heartbreaking sometimes to see this.
I love Dad, he always has been a genuine, helpful, patient, person.

Sad to say it is harder to love Mum, as she is a much more self centred and domineering person, needs constantly to be the centre of attraction (always has been) but they are both victims of this horrible illness and they can't help it, so we as carers can only do the best we can, but I somestimes wonder if I am doing enough and the right thing for both of them?

Alfjess
 
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Skye

Registered User
Aug 29, 2006
17,000
SW Scotland
alfjess said:
but I somestimes wonder if I am doing enough and the right thing for both of them?
Hi alfjess

You are doing wonderfully well. Coping with one person with Alzheimer's is a struggle for most of us; you are coping with two, full time.

I honestly don't know how you do it, and you deserve all the support and respite you can get.

Respect!!!

Love,
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
71,084
Kent
Dear Alfjess,

I take my hat off to you. I really don`t know how you cope with two parents, both with differing needs, both caused by Alzheimers. For you, daycare must be a lifeline.

Take care