intimacy

[suzabell]

my Husband is now 60. Diagmosed 4 years ago but many signs before. His alzheimers has got worse. He now thinks people on tV are in the room or there are people in the bedroom even while we are being intimate. But talking of intimacy ; which is my main point of writing, it is so weird because he now doesn't know me come the evening. He is now on tablets to help him 'function'. This makes the whole 'event' very clinical as it takes an hour to work. we used to watch Tv for a while but it seems we can't do that now as they are 'in the room'. It is weird being made love to by someone who doesn't know what your relationship is with them.
He doesn't even remember we have boys. the other day he said' We will have to get our banns read quickly'. at least he still wants to marry me.And 'I think I may have had a little op so we can't have children'. You may have to go to someone else. He doesn't remember our history. I lead him round photos of trips we have done & pictures of our Children and show him our rings.
We have been married for 28 years. How do others cope with this being made love to by someone who doesn't know who you are.

 

[onlyme1]

hi suzabelle. I can't help wondering, how come you're putting yourselves through this? sorry if this is hard for you to hear.

 

[Mal2]

my Husband is now 60. Diagmosed 4 years ago but many signs before. His alzheimers has got worse. He now thinks people on tV are in the room or there are people in the bedroom even while we are being intimate. But talking of intimacy ; which is my main point of writing, it is so weird because he now doesn't know me come the evening. He is now on tablets to help him 'function'. This makes the whole 'event' very clinical as it takes an hour to work. we used to watch Tv for a while but it seems we can't do that now as they are 'in the room'. It is weird being made love to by someone who doesn't know what your relationship is with them.
He doesn't even remember we have boys. the other day he said' We will have to get our banns read quickly'. at least he still wants to marry me.And 'I think I may have had a little op so we can't have children'. You may have to go to someone else. He doesn't remember our history. I lead him round photos of trips we have done & pictures of our Children and show him our rings.
We have been married for 28 years. How do others cope with this being made love to by someone who doesn't know who you are.

Although your husband doesn't know you in the terms you think of. I am sure he feels the ties, how he feels about you, and therefore still wants to make love with you. From experience, I can only say, enjoy that closeness part of your marriage for as long as you can.

My husband hasn't known we were married for some 3 years or so, but,
I had regular proposals and TP.er's were often getting invites to our weddings

So although he didn't know we were married, deep down he knew he loved me, wanted to marry me and also make love. When we did, I would forget he had the D', because, for that moment in time, he was just the way, he had always been. When he deteriorated in the past 12 months, that side of our marriage died, which was very hard for me, and, I felt I had lost him even further.
Today I am happy to see his sparkling blue eyes looking at me, as he gives me a big smile, puckering up his lips for some kisses, with arms out for hugs. My Dau says, he only does it for me, he will let her kiss him hello and goodbye, but it's me he wants the kisses. hugs and affection from. I believe they never forget in their hearts that they love us, it's just in the memory. I just try to make each day as normal as I can for him, and sitting together in the evening, watching TV, it is for a few hours.

Take care M xxx

 

[suzabell]

Although your husband doesn't know you in the terms you think of. I am sure he feels the ties, how he feels about you, and therefore still wants to make love with you. From experience, I can only say, enjoy that closeness part of your marriage for as long as you can.

My husband hasn't known we were married for some 3 years or so, but,
I had regular proposals and TP.er's were often getting invites to our weddings

So although he didn't know we were married, deep down he knew he loved me, wanted to marry me and also make love. When we did, I would forget he had the D', because, for that moment in time, he was just the way, he had always been. When he deteriorated in the past 12 months, that side of our marriage died, which was very hard for me, and, I felt I had lost him even further.
Today I am happy to see his sparkling blue eyes looking at me, as he gives me a big smile, puckering up his lips for some kisses, with arms out for hugs. My Dau says, he only does it for me, he will let her kiss him hello and goodbye, but it's me he wants the kisses. hugs and affection from. I believe they never forget in their hearts that they love us, it's just in the memory. I just try to make each day as normal as I can for him, and sitting together in the evening, watching TV, it is for a few hours.

Take care M xxx

Thankyou for this. You are right & while he has the need & we can be intimate we will continue. It is all such a mind warp though. Is your husband still at home with you? Our boys are 22 & 25 and a 34 year old step son. I am 50. I do my best but it is hard. He also gets Jeery & quite nasty at times and also accusing. I know it is the dementia but it is certainly a challenge, trying to find something to deviate to the whole time to change his frame of mind. We love each other very much. There are times though when he cuts me off when he has got really upset about something or he thinks we have been argueing. That I can't deal with. I found last time that by putting the recorded news on drew him downstairs & he said he didn't think he had been very nice. The evening then got easier.
I tried to tell our carers group about the intimacy issues the other day but because we are early onset & they are all well over retirement age they couldn't support me.
Have to go now Thankyou again.

 

[Mal2]

Thankyou for this. You are right & while he has the need & we can be intimate we will continue. It is all such a mind warp though. Is your husband still at home with you? Our boys are 22 & 25 and a 34 year old step son. I am 50. I do my best but it is hard. He also gets Jeery & quite nasty at times and also accusing. I know it is the dementia but it is certainly a challenge, trying to find something to deviate to the whole time to change his frame of mind. We love each other very much. There are times though when he cuts me off when he has got really upset about something or he thinks we have been argueing. That I can't deal with. I found last time that by putting the recorded news on drew him downstairs & he said he didn't think he had been very nice. The evening then got easier.
I tried to tell our carers group about the intimacy issues the other day but because we are early onset & they are all well over retirement age they couldn't support me.
Have to go now Thankyou again.

As you say it is early days for hubby, but, they are argumentative at that stage, which does become less as time passes. It's best not to be drawn into a squabbling match. I usually changed the subject, once I realised it was the 'D' not hubby. What meds is he on? Does hubby attend a memory clinic to see the Doctor and have his tests? We went every 6 months. Hubby would go with the nurse for the tests, I into the Doctors office. The Doctor would ask how hubby had been, and, did I have any questions. That was when I was able to discuss any queries I had listed, ready for the visit. I've never had any experience with carer's groups.
Yes my husband is still at home with me. He is now in beginning of late stage 'D', and, all the things that comes with that, but, yes, thankfully, he is at home. Can't imagine him not being here and must admit I dread the day, he might not be. Though, I only take it one day at a time, I cannot think of next month, etc, and what might be, or not, it's easier for me that way.

Hope you manage to speak to a Dementia Doctor or nurse, they can be very helpful and understanding. I was given booklets, covering a lot of things one may come across early in 'D', including your thoughts. I'm sure someone will be able to advise you. Have a good evening. M xxx

 

[Susisuster]

Hi, We do not make love any more I feel that is probably more me than him ,I just find it hard to make love when he has been unpleasant or aggressive during the day, he just tends to fall asleep anyway as soon as he gets into bed, we are affectionate with each other hold hands cuddle kiss, I also am very tired and sad to say those feelings towards him have gone, I love him and will always be there for him but that part of our marriage is over.

 

[Mugs]

too much intimacy

My problem is the opposite of suzabell's: my husband, who 78 years old has become obsessed with sex. He is even watching porn, whlch I find disgusting. We hadn't had sexual relations in several years due to blood pressure medications, etc., which he takes. Now it seems that is all he thinks about and wants to do. I'm not interested at all, but I am trying to accommodate him to keep him on an even keel. Anyone else having this embarrassing problem?

 

[Bunpoots]

Hello Mugs

We had this problem with my dad. His diaries which he used to keep became very fruity and he started getting aggressive about us stopping him seeing women he had met who wanted to have sex with him. There were no women he was delusional at the time. He upset his granddaughter with his behaviour and started chasing the cleaning lady [emoji33]

Fortunately after finding TP (it was this behaviour that brought me here) I realised that this had started when his Donepezil was increased from 5 to 10mg. Reducing it back to 5mg solved the problem.

Hope you can find a solution quickly.



Sent from my iPad using Talking Point

 

[Mugs]

too much sex

Tganks so much. He's on Namzarec,but as I understand it, that is a combination of donezepil and namenda. He was on 10mg . of donezepil before that, having been increased from 5 mg. That may be when the behavior started.

 

[Nameless]

Intimacy has definitely changed over the past few years. It isn't a big topic anymore, he just forgets about it. When he gets in the mood, it is very different than it used to be. Pretty sad actually.

 

[tss502]

Hi there,

My husband is 57 and I am 46. He was diagnosed with AZ about 2.5 years ago. Our sex life has gradually deteriorated to the point where we don't really do it any more. He doesn't initiate it (or very rarely - sometimes he might wake up in the early hours of the morning and start cuddling me in bed but I am usually so tired that I am not able to respond). I don't feel like I want to initiate it - in some ways I feel it has just become another task which I need to do for him or help him to do, and that doesn't really seem conducive to arousal; I also think 'what's in it for me', if he no longer knows how to arouse me?

He seems to have lost the urge, or just forgotten about it, I am not sure which. We do cuddle and kiss but he shows no sign of wanting it to go any further than that. I also feel conflicted, in that if I do initiate it, does he really want it or is he now capable of consent? It's a difficult one and I find it hard to think that this side of my marriage is gone, but I am not sure what to do about it, and at 46 it's hard to accept that my sex life might be over.

 

[Nameless]

I know what you mean, I'm 45.

 

[Langleys10]

Carrying on

My other half was diagnosed with AZ last year and we are both now 54. There has been no sex for a long time which is down to me. I found it had become a function, not loving, and I also found it very difficult to change from being carer, almost his mother, to being his lover. We discussed it some time ago and he said that he would rather be with me without sex than be apart from me, but that just made me feel so selfish for denying him. He hasn't mentioned lack of sex for some time, so maybe he has now forgotten? I feel profound sadness that a relationship of almost 22 years, and which produced our two wonderful children, is over. I feel like a single mother of three, two of whom are growing up and away from me and the third increasingly clinging to me for everything.

 

[amandajh]

Hi, We do not make love any more I feel that is probably more me than him ,I just find it hard to make love when he has been unpleasant or aggressive during the day, he just tends to fall asleep anyway as soon as he gets into bed, we are affectionate with each other hold hands cuddle kiss, I also am very tired and sad to say those feelings towards him have gone, I love him and will always be there for him but that part of our marriage is over.

I feel like this too, the man i fell in love with has gone and i just feel like his carer, he would still like to make love, but then he talks to me like i'm a stranger, its horrible and I just can't enjoy it knowing i've spent all day answering his questions and telling him what to do (daily activities), i'm just too exhausted.

 

[amandajh]

My other half was diagnosed with AZ last year and we are both now 54. There has been no sex for a long time which is down to me. I found it had become a function, not loving, and I also found it very difficult to change from being carer, almost his mother, to being his lover. We discussed it some time ago and he said that he would rather be with me without sex than be apart from me, but that just made me feel so selfish for denying him. He hasn't mentioned lack of sex for some time, so maybe he has now forgotten? I feel profound sadness that a relationship of almost 22 years, and which produced our two wonderful children, is over. I feel like a single mother of three, two of whom are growing up and away from me and the third increasingly clinging to me for everything.

Oh my goodness, i totally relate to your message, my husband is 54, i am 46, i am so sad that it has come to this. We have only been married for 18 months, together for 6 years, this is definitely not what i thought our marriage would be like. My husband was only diagnosed in February, but looking back, symptoms started 2 years ago. I feel so guilty not wanting to have sex with him, but i definitely don't want it with anyone else, i just can't enjoy it with him anymore. When we go away, for a weekend or on holiday, that is like taking a child, i come back exhausted and needing a holiday! You're not alone xxx

 

[amandajh]

I know what you mean, I'm 45.

Me too, i'm 46

 

[suzabell]

I feel like this too, the man i fell in love with has gone and i just feel like his carer, he would still like to make love, but then he talks to me like i'm a stranger, its horrible and I just can't enjoy it knowing i've spent all day answering his questions and telling him what to do (daily activities), i'm just too exhausted.

Yes this is familiar. We have spent most of the afternoon watching films he has been
very cuddly. at 9pm we decided to go to bed. The next thing he said was 'are you my sister in law.? Well that was a turn off so I took him up and sorted his necessary things out with him, changed and came down again. 28 years married ;me 50 and him 60. Yes this is weird and hard.

 

[wheresthepony]

Me too, i'm 46 [/QUOTE

On a whim I logged on to TP and found this thread - it's something we've been struggling with. Husband aged 53 has YOD and I am 44. We havent been intimate for ages - I just feel like his carer now. He isnt the strong, confident man I fell in love with and it's so sad. He desperately wants affection and it would be lovely to keep that side going but I dont think of him as my partner anymore and I'm just done in each day keeping all the plates spinning and everyone safe. We also have two young children so just just as all my friends are reconnecting with their partners and re-establishing a social life I'm dealing with all that YOD entails. It's so isolating.
Thank you for bringing the thread up and letting me know others are down the same lonely road.

 

[Nameless]

Early onset AD really does seem to have an affect on very many aspects of life. I miss the interesting conversations, we still talk but much more superficially. That's why I / we enjoy meeting with friends and talking in a group, he can participate when he wants to and otherwise just enjoys listening. I hope that you can keep your social life going though, that's important now and in the future even more. My OH and I still can sort of enjoy intimacy it's just very different than it used to be. Take care

 

[northumbrian_k]

Hi there,

I also feel conflicted, in that if I do initiate it, does he really want it or is he now capable of consent?

That is how I feel in relation to my wife