The following letter by an 86 yr old woman was published in the NY Times, sent in by a bank manager:
Dear Sir,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check which I endevoured to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it.
I refer of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which I admit has been in place for only eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this icident has caused me to rethink my errant ways.
I noticed that, whereas, I personally answer your telephone calls and letters - when I try to contact you, I am confronted by an impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, chose only to deal with a flesh and blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, address personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find the attached Application Contract which I require your chosen employee to complete.
I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersignedby a Notary Public, and the mandatory details, of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be acconpanied by documented proof.
In due course, at MY convenience I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.
I regret it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even futher. When you call me, press buttons as fallows:
1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer my call to my toilet in case I am attending to a call of nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is
required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
8. To return to the main menue and listen to options 1 through to 7
9. To make a general complaint or inquirt. The contact will then be put on hold,
pending the attension of my automated answering service. While this may,
on occasions, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration
of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year?
Your Humble Client.
I enter this in the hope of helping some carers who come up against a brick wall.
God bless. Padraig
Dear Sir,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check which I endevoured to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it.
I refer of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which I admit has been in place for only eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this icident has caused me to rethink my errant ways.
I noticed that, whereas, I personally answer your telephone calls and letters - when I try to contact you, I am confronted by an impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, chose only to deal with a flesh and blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, address personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find the attached Application Contract which I require your chosen employee to complete.
I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersignedby a Notary Public, and the mandatory details, of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be acconpanied by documented proof.
In due course, at MY convenience I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.
I regret it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even futher. When you call me, press buttons as fallows:
1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer my call to my toilet in case I am attending to a call of nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is
required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
8. To return to the main menue and listen to options 1 through to 7
9. To make a general complaint or inquirt. The contact will then be put on hold,
pending the attension of my automated answering service. While this may,
on occasions, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration
of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year?
Your Humble Client.
I enter this in the hope of helping some carers who come up against a brick wall.
God bless. Padraig
