inniscreagh

[carrickastuck]

Hi everyone

I feel a little awkward asking this question but I really need help. My husband has dementia and , like others I've been reading about, is in total denial. I can understand this and go along with his determination to speak only of a "memory problem".
However I am his sole carer and as I am now 71 and suffer from a detached tendon in my upper arm which has greatly affected my physical strength, I have tried many times to ask him to apply for Carer's allowance which would enable us financially to employ help with some housekeeping. Ha absolutely refuses to sign the form for this and becomes enraged when I mention it. He has also refused to set up a Power of Attorney. My name is not included in our properties and I have no access to his old age pension. Forgive me if any of this seems callous but I don't know how to overcome this situation. I am told he MUST sign the form in oorder to claim any benefits. can anyone suggest a solution?

I am quite sure, after 50 years of marriage, that he is a narcissist but that isn't relative.

 

[Cat27]

Hello carrickastuck & welcome to TP.

You're in a very difficult situation. If you had a chat with the GP & he tells your husband he needs to apply would he listen?

 

[Beate]

I assume you mean Attendance Allowance? Carers Allowance is for yourself but yes, he needs to be in receipt of AA for you to be able to claim CA. I can't help much with the in denial problem but if you are not self-funding, ie he has fewer than £23,250 in the bank then you can ask the state for help. Get a needs assessment for him and a carers assessment for yourself. Social services will be able to tell you what help is available and how much you'd have to contribute. That could be day care, sitting service, carers in the home, respite, house adaptations like grabrails, memory or tracker devices...
If your OH has lost capacity, you can apply for deputyship for him. It's slower and more expensive than POA but the only way if he doesn't agree to the former.

Oh and please don't think we are judging you. Financial matters are very important and need to be dealt with. I think everyone here understands exactly where you are coming from.

 

[starryuk]

Hello Carrickastuck,

Welcome here. You must be so frustrated with your poor husband. First, there is no need to feel awkward, or that you are being callous. These are important practical issues to consider and you are right to do so.

I am afraid I don't know the answer though. I am thinking you might have a better chance of sorting out these issues if someone else suggested the ideas to your husband and presented them in such a way as to be an advantage to him. Without bringing 'dementia' into it at all.

One thing, if your husband will not sign power of attorney, then the OPG/court might have to take over all his finances in the future...perhaps that could be a thought that could persuade him?

 

[Jinx]

Have you spoken to Age Concern? I would suggest you ask them for advice. I don't remember my husband having to sign the AA forms, Age Concern representative came and took all the details and sent off the form and we got full allowance. POA is more difficult but could you not get forms for both of you and explain to him that it's just in case it's ever needed in the future as it makes things easier for the family. Once the forms are signed they still have to be registered but he doesn't need to be involved in that part as long as all close relatives agree and have no objection. Money is a very emotive issue but so important to try and sort it out, hope you have some luck.


Sent from my iPad using Talking Point

 

[nitram]

For the LPA you could try the approach that either of you could trip on a bad bit of paving/get hit by a bus/...resulting in loss of capacity to manage your finances.

Suggest that you both make LPAs with the OH as attorney and A.N.Other as replacement attorney.

The mantra is 'Failure to prepare is to prepare for failure'