Long update, apologies everyone. The arrangements moved on a-pace! There was a sudden period of acceptance of their situation in the last few days and the inlaws have moved down to Wiltshire from their respite care up in Shropshire yesterday. Amazingly, both of them agreed to their home being rented out (for now) and to move to be close to their son and I, as my husband's lovely sister has been caring for them for two years and is utterly exhausted.
They have completely forgotten their previous home (they were there for 12 years up until December) and both are convinced they lived in a road with an obviously made-up name (it's nowhere anyone can remember!) It's hard to see that in such a short space of time they have forgotten such a chunk of their lives. That's why it's been so easy to bring up the idea of letting the house;- they deny ever living there. Photos of the house simply produce blank looks. Neither are allowed to drive yet FiL keeps saying he just needs an eyetest to get his licence back.
The letting agent has vetted the house, agreed the rent and all is proceeding smoothly. My husband, his sister and his bro-in-law sorted out personal belongings and furniture to come down here for their new rooms in a dementia care home close to us. And some to store and some to basically go straight in a skip.
My mother in law has a better recollection, overall, of life in general than father in law. But she does believe her mother is still alive, sadly she died in her mid 50's. However both of them have no short term memory at all. Father in Law has massive swings in mood and temper - very abusive to his wife and also to staff when he's lucid, but bizarrely when he's very confused he's more easily persuaded to behave politely and with respect towards those trying to help him. The abuse isn't new - he's been rude and short tempered towards Mother in Law for more years that I care to recall. Unfortunately, he has forgotten that she has had several strokes leading to vascular Dementia which is why she isn't mobile, why her speech and comprehension are poor, and why she is incontinent. So he's constantly rolling his eyes skyward as she starts to speak and then talks over her or swears at her. It's horrible to witness and we all intervene to spare her his abuse.
Yesterday was The Big Day! They were late leaving Shropshire as the accompanying Nurse was still photocopying their medical notes whilst they were sitting in the minibus, ready to go. The bus was very grubby inside and out. This wasn't very impressive but there was worse to come.
We welcomed them at the new carehome and they sat in reception with me as my husband took all their belongings up to their rooms. MiL pleased to see me, I gave her a very gentle hug as she is so frail. I felt a pang of great sadness as I kissed her cheek and smelled urine on her clothes - she had had an accident on the way and needed to be washed and changed. FiL immediately started moaning about how 'the first impressions aren't good at all, we won't be staying here......' Then saying the care home was in this great big valley which he didn't like (it isn't) so no idea where he thought he was. Anyhow I hugged him and welcomed him and said everything was sorted and waiting for them and lunch was being served when they were ready. We showed them to their rooms and FiL was impressed - he actually said thank you for all your hard work. And he looked forward to sleeping in his bed that night. We helped them to the dining room and explained we'd unpack for them whilst they ate. It just happened to be hairdressing day, so MiL was booked in for a wash and blowdry after her lunch - which really cheered her up.
In their rooms, I was so touched to see that the staff had left 'welcome' cards for them both and vases of flowers. They each had a little mini-bottle of wine and glasses, too. That was a lovely, kind thing to do. We started sorting through the four cases of clothes they'd brought with them. We were supposed to be completing an inventory but had to bring most items home with us as they needed nametags and unfortunately, some urine soiled trousers and pants had made their way in with clean clothing and all needed washing. At this point the manager came up and asked if we'd happened upon MiL's medications yet - we hadn't found anything and neither had he. FiL's were all there, but nothing for MiL. And this is where we got very cross with their respite carehome - their prescriptions were on a 4 weekly cycle. MiL's had ended that morning. As they were moving, the home hadn't renewed her prescriptions. So the manager had to rush off to see their new GP and sort out her medications. Unnecessary hassle, on a stressful day for all, that could have been avoided. We will write and complain formally to the parent company.
We left later that afternoon, weighed down with clothing, some of it quite smelly! The chef was cooking an old favourite for their dinner that evening. One of the carers came over to me and said that FiL, when he saw the puddings on offer couldn't decide which one to have so asked for some of everything, which made us all laugh. Last evening we washed and labelled everything we'd brought back, ready to go into their wardrobes. I must confess I left FiL's underpants to my husband.....! I did have to chuckle when we realised both of them had quite a few items of other peoples labelled clothing from their previous carehome. MiL had lost most of her makeup somehow so I bought her a few new lipsticks in bright colours. Husband said, she told me she had lipstick in her handbag but when I looked it turned out to be a tube of Pritt! Oh dear.
It was an exhausting day, but at least they are there and safe. There have been so many sad things we've found sorting through all their paperwork. A old notebook which is full on every page of names and telephone numbers. Each page has almost the same people as the page before. FiL is obsessed with phone numbers and keeps writing them down. But not referring back to the original list. His writing is poorer and more faint as the pages go on and names are spelled wrongly and numbers are illegible. Even his own name.
Thank you for reading all this! Onward and upward as they say.
They have completely forgotten their previous home (they were there for 12 years up until December) and both are convinced they lived in a road with an obviously made-up name (it's nowhere anyone can remember!) It's hard to see that in such a short space of time they have forgotten such a chunk of their lives. That's why it's been so easy to bring up the idea of letting the house;- they deny ever living there. Photos of the house simply produce blank looks. Neither are allowed to drive yet FiL keeps saying he just needs an eyetest to get his licence back.
The letting agent has vetted the house, agreed the rent and all is proceeding smoothly. My husband, his sister and his bro-in-law sorted out personal belongings and furniture to come down here for their new rooms in a dementia care home close to us. And some to store and some to basically go straight in a skip.
My mother in law has a better recollection, overall, of life in general than father in law. But she does believe her mother is still alive, sadly she died in her mid 50's. However both of them have no short term memory at all. Father in Law has massive swings in mood and temper - very abusive to his wife and also to staff when he's lucid, but bizarrely when he's very confused he's more easily persuaded to behave politely and with respect towards those trying to help him. The abuse isn't new - he's been rude and short tempered towards Mother in Law for more years that I care to recall. Unfortunately, he has forgotten that she has had several strokes leading to vascular Dementia which is why she isn't mobile, why her speech and comprehension are poor, and why she is incontinent. So he's constantly rolling his eyes skyward as she starts to speak and then talks over her or swears at her. It's horrible to witness and we all intervene to spare her his abuse.
Yesterday was The Big Day! They were late leaving Shropshire as the accompanying Nurse was still photocopying their medical notes whilst they were sitting in the minibus, ready to go. The bus was very grubby inside and out. This wasn't very impressive but there was worse to come.
We welcomed them at the new carehome and they sat in reception with me as my husband took all their belongings up to their rooms. MiL pleased to see me, I gave her a very gentle hug as she is so frail. I felt a pang of great sadness as I kissed her cheek and smelled urine on her clothes - she had had an accident on the way and needed to be washed and changed. FiL immediately started moaning about how 'the first impressions aren't good at all, we won't be staying here......' Then saying the care home was in this great big valley which he didn't like (it isn't) so no idea where he thought he was. Anyhow I hugged him and welcomed him and said everything was sorted and waiting for them and lunch was being served when they were ready. We showed them to their rooms and FiL was impressed - he actually said thank you for all your hard work. And he looked forward to sleeping in his bed that night. We helped them to the dining room and explained we'd unpack for them whilst they ate. It just happened to be hairdressing day, so MiL was booked in for a wash and blowdry after her lunch - which really cheered her up.
In their rooms, I was so touched to see that the staff had left 'welcome' cards for them both and vases of flowers. They each had a little mini-bottle of wine and glasses, too. That was a lovely, kind thing to do. We started sorting through the four cases of clothes they'd brought with them. We were supposed to be completing an inventory but had to bring most items home with us as they needed nametags and unfortunately, some urine soiled trousers and pants had made their way in with clean clothing and all needed washing. At this point the manager came up and asked if we'd happened upon MiL's medications yet - we hadn't found anything and neither had he. FiL's were all there, but nothing for MiL. And this is where we got very cross with their respite carehome - their prescriptions were on a 4 weekly cycle. MiL's had ended that morning. As they were moving, the home hadn't renewed her prescriptions. So the manager had to rush off to see their new GP and sort out her medications. Unnecessary hassle, on a stressful day for all, that could have been avoided. We will write and complain formally to the parent company.
We left later that afternoon, weighed down with clothing, some of it quite smelly! The chef was cooking an old favourite for their dinner that evening. One of the carers came over to me and said that FiL, when he saw the puddings on offer couldn't decide which one to have so asked for some of everything, which made us all laugh. Last evening we washed and labelled everything we'd brought back, ready to go into their wardrobes. I must confess I left FiL's underpants to my husband.....! I did have to chuckle when we realised both of them had quite a few items of other peoples labelled clothing from their previous carehome. MiL had lost most of her makeup somehow so I bought her a few new lipsticks in bright colours. Husband said, she told me she had lipstick in her handbag but when I looked it turned out to be a tube of Pritt! Oh dear.
It was an exhausting day, but at least they are there and safe. There have been so many sad things we've found sorting through all their paperwork. A old notebook which is full on every page of names and telephone numbers. Each page has almost the same people as the page before. FiL is obsessed with phone numbers and keeps writing them down. But not referring back to the original list. His writing is poorer and more faint as the pages go on and names are spelled wrongly and numbers are illegible. Even his own name.
Thank you for reading all this! Onward and upward as they say.
