Independence or full-timecare?


New member
Feb 15, 2020

my mum of 90 was diagnosed with mild Alzheimer’s in September. She has daily care and companionship for an hour each morning to help with medication. My mum likes her independence but has completely loss confidence after a broken hip op in August. She suffers with anxiety and always has a pain somewhere but when distracted she is fine. My brother wants to put my mum in a home and I don’t agree as she lives in a warden controlled flat and has many good days but sometimes has a bad day. My mum spends time with me by staying at ours 70 miles away and I have a strong family support. My brother does not have this and only wants to pop in. We get our mum positive and my brother makes her negative.. my brothers answer is to feed her painkillers. He has a very strong influence over her and now she believes she can’t cope on her own..?

Quite contrary

Registered User
Jan 5, 2020
Ilford, Essex
Hello @BettyBarbs and welcome. I feel your mum is bound to feel more positive when she stays with you with family around her 24/7 and more negative in her flat with only 1 hour care and companionship each day. She has had a major operation and suffers with anxiety! It does not necessarily have to be full time care at this stage unless that is what your mum would really prefer. Why not look into what support is available in her area, such as day centres, befrienders, more care visits. I am sure others will respond with more experience of what she could try to help her retain independence and regain confidence.

nae sporran

Volunteer Host
Oct 29, 2014
Hullo and welcome to the forum, @BettyBarbs. I share your frustration with family disagreements and worry about what to do for the best for your mum .
My partner and I live in supported housing, which is like your mum's situation but with in house carers as part of the package. Because of that the social workers won't move her into a care home without increasing the care hours first. I don't know if that is quite the same, but it might be something for your brother to think about. Would your mum accept a day centre / lunch club one or two days a week to meet people and get a bit of confidence. Sorry if her broken hip may restrict that option. will give you a list of local support options and speaking to social services again for a care review is always worthwhile.


Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
South coast
Has your mum just lost confidence, or is it that the dementia has progressed? Many people with dementia become anxious when on their own because they cant quite remember what they are supposed to be doing, so they are much happier when there is someone around to direct and reassure them.


Volunteer Host
Apr 1, 2016
Welcome to Dementia Talking Point @BettyBarbs

I am also thinking that a daycentre would give your mum some company during the day, especially as you live so far away. Unless your mum is self funding SS won’t consider moving her into a carehome until they’ve trialled her on 4 care visits a day and this is still not enough to keep her safe. My dad’s mood improved once he was getting regular care visits instead of just having me pop in once of twice a day.

As @nae sporran says it’s worth getting social services to review her care and see what else is on offer in her area..


New member
Feb 15, 2020
Thanks for the welcome and your replies. My brother has said he has tried to get her several times to a day care but she won’t go. My mum recovered extremely well from her broken hip due to how fit she was. She always used to go out everyday on buses and had started to gain more confidence and had gone out with me and my daughter and also on her own. Prior to breaking her hip there were lots of A&E calls due to her stomach pain but she would be discharged and my brother became very frustrated. In Nov we brought my mum home for 3 weeks as my brother wanted her in respite care and my daughter and I organised new private daily care for meds and companionship to allow pressure off my brother as she also likes her freedom to go out. I even extended one day for mum to go shopping with one of her Carers (she has 4) so her shopping done. My brother didn’t want to pop everyday as his relationship has been affected with mum and his wife who resents him visiting his mum. Things got to a head and she is in hospital again and he is trying to delay discharge although they haven’t found any concerns. I agree to respite care in a really nice place to see what my mum really wants whether to go back to her home or have full time care. She has so much more to enjoy and what to see if she wants it or not. My brother does not want her back home but I think it’s in his interest not my mums. I think it’s in her best interests to come back here in a respite home as I have so much support here and family will rota to see her. My brother has nobody his sons live nearby and don’t visit my mum even when she has been in hospital.


Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
I think your mum needs some respite care and then see what happens. It might make sense if it is near you if it is easier for your family to visit. My mum moved into care near me because my brother is ill and not able to visit at the moment. His wife comes over when she can, but with a busy job a ten year old and a seriously ill husband that isn't often.
The right home will be able to make sure your mum is entertained, take her out and keep her safe. She might not be able to go out on her own, but if you are around you can take her for a coffee or shopping. A care home where she is looked after, is better than trying to hang on to independence and ending up yo-yoing between home and hospital.