Increasing Difficulties

[KTB]

Hello everyone...can anyone offer some advice?
My partner's father, who is in the moderate stages of Alzheimer's, has recently become more verbally aggressive and agitated, particularly when it comes to money. He has been going into his local bank and solicitors ( they live in a small town) and demanding large sums and causing a scene when he is refused. My partner, his sister and their mother all now have enduring power of attorney. He has also been aggressively challenging my partner's mum for thousands of pounds. We don't know what he wants to do with the money - perhaps he just wants it where he can see it, so he knows it's there - you understand? He was an accountant and brilliant with figures and number crunching, and we think he is still playing out this financial role. The difficulty is in trying to deter/placate him. Should they write him a cheque for some of the amount that he can put into a bank account that he can draw from, but that has a low withdrawal limit? Surely he will just continue to ask for large amounts? He has already cashed in shares ( we cannot believe he was allowed to do this) that the family will now have to pay capital gains tax on - money that may be needed for future care.
How can we reason with him?
My partner's mother has also encountered inconsistency within the NHS care offered to them. After the latest incident at the bank, it was decided together with a psychiatrist and social worker, both of whom had not met the family before, and the GP that he would be taken to hospital under section 2. When they got there they were greeted by an agency nurse who had never worked there before and although he was kind, he did not do enough to dispel any fears/worries/anxieties or answer any questions my partners mother had. She felt that it SO wasn't the right place and had the section revoked and took him home.
It is just that she is finding it increasingly hard to cope with his unpredictable behaviour. I think she feels so alone as we live quite far away. I will endeavour to get her to log on to your forum. Reading some of the threads has been heartbreaking but also uplifting and inspiring. Any advice for us?
Many thanks for listening xxxx

 

[Nutty Nan]

Welcome

Hello KTB, and welcome to TP!
I can't offer any advice, except to say that it is definitely not worth trying to reason with him - but you've probably worked that out yourself.
All I can say is that his behaviour is a very typical stage in AD, especially for someone who was so involved with money and 'number crunching' in his working life.
I found that stage one of the most stressful with my husband. He seemed to go round and round in circles, physically counting cash, carrying his building society book with him, putting it into a safe place and forgetting where the safe place was, worrying about the bank/building society cheating him or losing his savings, and planning day after day to go and close his account so that he would know that his money was safe at home (??!!). The whole thing seemed never-ending, but over weeks and months it did change. Thankfully, as we live in a village he was unable to get to the building society by himself, but as my EPA was in place I moved the bulk of his savings into a different account and when we went together, he withdrew what was left. He had no concept of value by then, so the actual trip to the building society seemed to diffuse the situation somewhat. It
didn't stop him mislaying the cash on an almost daily basis, but we got used to looking in the most unlikely places such as the top of the fridge, behind picture frames, in various coat pockets .....
I am sure you have informed the bank/building society of the situation, so that they can deal with his visits and demands as sympathetically and diplomatically as possible. I have often been amazed at how easily my husband has accepted a 'white lie', perhaps it is the proverbial silver lining to the reduced ability to reason. Distraction techniques, 'pretend cheques' or perhaps small denomination notes may be a way of playing along with his requests and keeping his stress to a minimum. This does, of course, depend on how well he can still read/write. My husband was unable to write or produce a signature, which reduced the problem of cashing cheques or withdrawing money.

Money is such a symbol of power and security for most men, it must be indredibly scary and upsetting to 'lose the grip on it'!

I am sure other TP members will have tips for you. Good luck!

 

[Brucie]

Hi KTB

well, I can't really offer any advice. This is one of the really challenging periods in the process because they are still partly 'with things', yet in a major way not so.

This is the time when many people start to hide toilet paper and tissues - I'm still finding it in places and my wife has not been in our house the past 5 years!

They know they are losing faculties, and thus everything. Their minds tell them it is not them, but that others are doing it. Others includes partners, family, milkmen.... anyone. So they want to prove it. So they ask things that they would never normally do, and when they are refused, that proves their point. After all they are asking for something that is quite reasonable [to them], and for something that is theirs. Why can't they have it? Well, it must be that someone is trying to stop them because they are trying to take it for themselves.

Sometimes it is money. It was with my wife. The money is not so hard to come to terms with. But when she accused me of stealing her faculties, her life, then that was the hard part. And I was, in a funny sort of way. As she was losing capabilities, I just slid in and took them over, so she wouldn't lose out. From her point of view, I was taking over, and excluding her.

There's no reasoning with dementia. Your partner's Dad doesn't want the money for anything, he's just testing how much he can still do.

 

[KTB]

thanks

Thank you both x

 

[Stimpfig]

The difficulty is in trying to deter/placate him. Should they write him a cheque for some of the amount that he can put into a bank account that he can draw from, but that has a low withdrawal limit? Surely he will just continue to ask for large amounts?

Why not try it and see what happens ? Been doing something similar with mum when she suddenly wants to receive her pensions (we don't live in our own country). I just put some low denom. Euros in a purse and give her her pension. That placates her and then I keep an eye on where's she's going to hide it for retrieving it later and repeating the procedure all over again. But as Nutty Nan said, it would all depend on his present capabilities and if you can really placate him with pretend cheques and the like.

 

[connie]

Have tried all these tactics with Lionel recently. He is convinced that he came into an inheritance (it is now up to a million pounds) and my 'boyfriend' has stolen it.

I have tried pretending "ringing the police" and have written letter to "mythical" solicitors" all to no avail. Why, because he does not remember. It only placates for a very short time. It is very trying, but I am sure something new will take this place, and then we can talk about something else, I hope.

Not very helpful, but you are definately not alone love Connie

 

[Sheila]

It does sound as if the accountant in him is desperate to have things to do. My Mum was very money orientated, I think because she was so worried she might forget to pay a bill. When I took over her finances, I found that she was several hundred pounds in advance with her electric, because every time it came saying she was in credit, she thought she owed that amount and went to the post office and paid it in!! Wouldn't you have thought they would have told her??
Things I found that helped were an old bank book for an account I closed when I became her EPA, loads of small coins and a couple of notes to fill up her purse. A diary and plenty of paper to write all her "dealings/to dos" lists on. She did keep a roll of £200 hiding it in her room, or her bag for quite a while. I had to slowly wittle it down as she accused day care once of stealing it, awful!! (That day it was tucked inside her pillow, so I halved it, then gradually kept doing that till the problem was gone.) We also had a problem with keys to houses of the past, I solved that by giving her some old ones that didnt fit any known doors on a key ring. The thing is to try and accomodate their desperate need to be in control, without making even bigger problems for yourself. Its a fine line and balancing act!! Good luck, love She. XX

 

[Nutty Nan]

Doubling up

Sheila's post has just reminded me that I acquired a couple of additional purses similar to the one my husband used to hang on to for dear life (then hide in the proverbial safe place).
This meant I could point him in the direction of the replacement purse, already filled with a handful of coins, whilst I had extra time to hunt down the hidden one.
I have to say that it has taken me years to accept that all these white lies and subterfuge are absolutely necessary!

 

[Lynne]

There's no reasoning with dementia.
Your partner's Dad doesn't want the money for anything, he's just testing how much he can still do.

In other words, he wants his life back. It's heartbreaking.

The thing is to try and accomodate their desperate need to be in control, without making even bigger problems for yourself. Its a fine line and balancing act!!

Thank you SO MUCH, those who have been there before us Newbies, for giving us encouragement & ideas how to cope. I hope you know how much you are appreciated.