incontinence problems driving me mad

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by caring4two, Mar 5, 2015.

  1. caring4two

    caring4two Registered User

    Aug 9, 2014
    St leonards on sea
    #1 caring4two, Mar 5, 2015
    Last edited: Mar 5, 2015
    My Mother in law lives with us, she is 91 and has early stage dementia.
    I am really struggling at the moment because mum has started to pee every morning on her way to the loo. This journey takes her through one corridor, through the carpeted living room across the hallway and into the loo, weeing all the way! Not just drops but puddles.
    I have tried talking to her about it (casually saying that it happens to all ladies as they get older, and it’s nothing to be ashamed of, she just needs to wear a pad at bedtime) but she gets really distressed and storms off to bed for the rest of the day. She says she won't drink anymore and it won't happen. We pointed out that it doesn't work and that she has tried that before.
    I put a pad on top of her night dress each night to try and remind her, I have left notes on the bed and on the wall by her bed, and she screws them up and throws them in the bin. She refuses to wear a pad.
    Sometimes she screams at us "why are you accusing me of doing that?" "I don't wet myself" and so on.
    We have had to remove the carpet from the corridor, and are about to remove her bedroom carpet too as the smell is appalling.
    Each morning I have to disinfect the loo and then mop all the floors (some times more than once a day).
    I have reached my limit!!!!
    I also care for my severely disabled son at home, and though I have good days when I can just accept that this is how things are for us at the moment, some days I just want to scream.
    I think I have tried to think of all possible solutions, but if any of you have any ideas, I would be very grateful.
  2. Sue J

    Sue J Registered User

    Dec 9, 2009
  3. caring4two

    caring4two Registered User

    Aug 9, 2014
    St leonards on sea
    Thanks Sue,

    The issue with that is that she has never been used to wearing underware to bed at night, so even if we replaced all of her underware with those pads (which we have bought by the way) she won't wear them to bed. Your also correct, she would object!!! big time.
    The problem seems to be first thing in the morning. The rest of the day she seems to manage to get there in time, although she still wee's and poo's all over the loo seat and floor.:mad:
  4. Lilac Blossom

    Lilac Blossom Registered User

    Oct 6, 2014
    Would she agree to use a commode just for first thing in the morning? Maybe if the district nurse suggested this she would accept this idea?
  5. supertrooper

    supertrooper Registered User

    Jul 18, 2011
    How would your mil cope with a commode? Is it an option? I had to assist regularly at first, I put a nightlight in the bedroom and gently (for me) but regularly reminded mum to use it. It worked for a while. Until she deteriorated further. I don't think she liked wearing pads all the time. But there comes a time when this gets better and they don't mind wearing them. There is such a choice of pads when what you really need is someone to say try this one and that, this is the size etc. We did have an incontinence nurse assess but I was still left with the choice of which one/combination from the array of what's available. GP for pads as I recall, occupational therapist for commodes, rails etc.

    Eventually we had to give away the commode. But it was useful at a certain stage. I know some people are able to get them free and quickly - good! But I went and bought one about £50 ish. Remember you don't pay VAT for a disabled person.

    It's a difficult one trial and error, Good to hear from you, keep posting.
  6. caring4two

    caring4two Registered User

    Aug 9, 2014
    St leonards on sea
    Thanks for the suggestions so far.
    I did think about the comode idea, but if she is in denial about her incontinence, I can't see her using it. Also she wouldn't remember that the comode was there, and wouldn't see/recognise it as a comode.
    On the bright side though, hubby and I just walked passed the loo and saw a large poo on the bathroom floor, which had been troden on and walked into the living room. We must both be really stressed because we were laughing till we cried, trying to negociate who would pick it up!! Over tired and over stressed. If you had told me a year ago that we would be laughing about picking up poo, I would not have believed you.:eek:
  7. Pottingshed50

    Pottingshed50 Registered User

    Apr 8, 2012
    How about Tenna Pants. They are pretty and disposable (not in the loo I must add) I have a problem with diverticulitus and when it flares I put them on, no one would know they are very pretty and I am very fussy. You can get them in all sizes in Morrisons etc.

    You must be angels to put up with the situation. Cant imagine how you do, I suppose now you will have to get all new carpets otherwise they will start to hum their own tune.
  8. daisydi

    daisydi Registered User

    Feb 25, 2015
    \Oh dear I feel for you. Used to make my mum put pad in at bedtime but quite often she took it off. I had that nasty smell constantly up my nose. The poo episode took me back to the time my mum walked through the whole house out into the garden with poo dripping everywhere with my three dogs following closely behind. It was absolutely terrible and disgusting and I really did cry...
  9. Kazza72

    Kazza72 Registered User

    Feb 10, 2015
    West London
    #9 Kazza72, Mar 5, 2015
    Last edited: Mar 5, 2015
    Totally empathise also. I no longer have visitors over. It's an uphill battle that I'm losing....mums room stinks. I'm sure the walls have absorbed the poo smell. It's horrendous, I too have been reduced to tears...and your poor dogs :(

    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
  10. susy

    susy Registered User

    Jul 29, 2013
    North East
    Maybe try the commode but not for her incontinence (after all she doesn't suffer from that) maybe get her one as when she gets up in the morning it's great for her aching bones (does she have a bad knee? Hip? Back?) and this will also improve her privacy and if she needs it quick during the night it's much easier and she won't disturb anyone else by moving around the house.

    I think this is time for love lies xx

    Good luck.
  11. Sue123

    Sue123 Registered User

    Aug 30, 2014
    I have the same problem with my Mum. More times than not,she removes her incontinence pants at night & wees on the bedroom carpet.
    She is okay in the day but just lately she either poos her pants or messes all over the toilet seat. Ive also found it on the floor & i know its not down to my dogs!
    I think all this is the worst part of caring for her. I know she would be mortified if she knew what was going on.
    It seems now im the parent & shes the baby :(
  12. Kazza72

    Kazza72 Registered User

    Feb 10, 2015
    West London
    I'm struggling to cope with this side of just trying to muster up the courage to enter mums room to strip the bed. I have a mask and will use it with some tissue and olbAs oil as the smell in there is gut wrenching, luckily she has laminate flooring in her room but I know she will have smeared poop all over the floor....going to have coffee first I think

    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
  13. Emily M

    Emily M Registered User

    Jan 20, 2015
    Would a plastic carpet protector help?

    How I empathise with you. I have just returned from visiting my mother. She had a few problems before because of IBS but in the last month has become incontinent as the Alzheimer’s has progressed. Very sad as she was such a clean, tidy person.

    Now the whole of the upstairs smells very unpleasant. She tries to attend to herself and leaves soiled tissues everywhere. Her husband is getting rid of the carpet in her bedroom and the landing and putting down laminate. I don’t think it will entirely solve the problem as urine, etc, has run down a slight gap between the toilet and floor covering, contaminating the floorboards so something will probably have to be done in there also – disinfectant only masks the smell for a while. I came back the other evening to find poo stuck to her shoe and walked everywhere.

    For you the living room carpet is a real problem as I don’t suppose you want to change that as well. Would putting done one of those plastic carpet protectors across the route that she takes help? It might be worth looking at this link on Amazon, This one is 15 feet long:-
  14. caring4two

    caring4two Registered User

    Aug 9, 2014
    St leonards on sea
    I just wanted to thank you all for the replys.
    It does help to know that you are not alone with this awful condition.
    Just had mums bedroom carpet replaced with Lino today. She hasn't seen it yet and I wonder if she will even realise her carpet has gone!
    Anyway onwards and upwards....

    Love to you all x
  15. Kazza72

    Kazza72 Registered User

    Feb 10, 2015
    West London
    Lino is a good option. Hopefully your mum won't really notice. I've all but given up trying to keep the house clean...

    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
  16. DointhebestIcan

    DointhebestIcan Registered User

    May 24, 2014
    I feel for you too. We have replaced the carpet and bed in MIL's room as I couldn't cope with the smell. (we live with her). The whole house still smells!
    She wears a pad in the day and is in the habit of changing it every morning. We have been trying to pursuade her it needs to be changed at least twice a day ie at bedtime too. She often gets up in the night and leaves a trail of pee from her bed to the bathroom which I paddle thru when I get up to pee too!
    Does anyone have any advice on how to "train" her to change her pad at night. I leave it on top of the loo with a note that says "take out your teeth and change your pad". (teeth are another issue sometimes) She picks up the pad and takes it in her room. We then have a conversation thru her door (I try to give her some privacy) involving me telling her she has to change it and her telling me the one she has on is dry. It's the same every night and we don't know how to get thru to her. I want to get her into this habit as I assume the incontinence will get worse. Does anyone have any ideas?
  17. Bod

    Bod Registered User

    Aug 30, 2013
    Bite the the door.....make it happen....privacy is so yesterday.

  18. Beate

    Beate Registered User

    May 21, 2014
    I agree - sometimes you just have to get up close and personal.
  19. DointhebestIcan

    DointhebestIcan Registered User

    May 24, 2014
    I have a lot of respect for MIL and know eventually dignity and privacy will go out the window but for now I will not invade her privacy. She is capable of changing her pad every morning, my issue is how to pursuade her to do it every night too without getting up close and personal (not something I relish).
    Thanks for your replies.

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