Incessant phone calls

[Liz57]

I know I've posted on this subject before but the incessant phone calls are now getting to me. I left mum's less than 20 minutes ago and the phone calls have started to the extent that I've had 8 in the past ten minutes. Each time she says she's trying to work out how to use her phone or she's trying to check that the number she has for me is correct. This follows a day of over 35 calls. I tried explaining to mum that the answerphone records her messages so she doesn't need to repeat them every minute whilst I'm at work but she simply denies making the calls, even when I played her own voice back to her.

I can't cope with this any more. I haven't even been able to take my shoes off since getting home (I've spent over three hours with her today as well as a full time job) as the phone keeps ringing

Has anybody come up with a technique for dealing with this. Frankly I'm feeling so stressed I feel quite sick.

 

[marionq]

You need to,decide what time you must have on your own and simply switch the phone off. Not a nice feeling but there is no alternative.

 

[Tin]

Apart from taking her phone away, I would say the same, you have to decide when to turn your phone off. In an emergency is your mother capable of making the right call at the right time? It is really hard, my family had the same problem before mum came to live with me and her telephone bill was sky high. In the end we each took it in turns to switch off our phones.

 

[Liz57]

Apart from taking her phone away, I would say the same, you have to decide when to turn your phone off. In an emergency is your mother capable of making the right call at the right time? It is really hard, my family had the same problem before mum came to live with me and her telephone bill was sky high. In the end we each took it in turns to switch off our phones.

I've tried switching the phone off as on one evening each month I have to attend a public meeting for work and simply can't answer the phone. The state mum got into when I didn't answer was unbelievable. I thought I was going to have to call a doctor to calm her down and it took me two hours to calm her sufficiently to get her to bed! I took her to our GP to ask for help but was simply sent away and told there was nothing they could do. I know this sounds like a silly little thing compared to what most people seem to be going through but after hours of incessant phone calls when I can't even get to the loo without interruption, it's feels horrific. Unfortunately, I have no other family members I can call on to help except my daughter and even though I've suggested (and left a note to the effect) that Mum calls her occasionally, she's lost the note before I've got the two minutes down the road to my own home and the phone's ringing when I get to the front door. It can be absolute torture.

I've spoken to my boss about taking some unpaid leave in the New Year to investigate local care homes as I know we're at that stage now but this is so hard.

Thanks for listening

 

[dottyd]

Oh dear. I remember that stage.

I think you are very wise. I'm sad to say it won't get any better.

 

[CeliaW]

"I know this sounds like a silly little thing....... It can be absolute torture."

I have edited your post and you actually have hit the nail on the head - it IS torture. It most certainly ISN'T a silly little thing because it ends up consuming your whole time and thoughts.

My mother is now in a care home but for several years before, she would ring me incessantly. Having spent the day nipping out of meetings to ring to remind carer would be there, check they had arrived, say when I would be home and able to chat longer (I lived 80 miles away) - the phone would be ringing as I put my key in the door and it went on all evening until the carers came to put her to bed and then if she woke in the night...

It got that I dreaded the phone ringing (still do in a way and mostly use mobile no for people to call) and my diet was affected (lost count of how many things burnt or boiled over when phone went so I had a sandwich most nights) plus I felt permanently sick, lost sleep etc etc.

Sad your GP is so dismissive - it's possible something to help with anxiety could be of benefit. But as well as reassuring you no-one here will see this as trivial, I wanted to say that I do think you should go ahead with looking for a care home. With the benefit of hindsight, I do think we should have resisted Mums adamant stance that she wouldn't move and looked for a place maybe a year or so earlier. The distress she was going through was just not worth what she thought of the value of being in her long term home. That is without factoring in the potential there was for a crisis and the stress and work it caused for family members. I also think that by looking for a home now when you have the leeway of a little time, you avoid having to rush into a decision when there is a crisis. Hopefully you will find one and can at least put her name down for when there is a room.

Please have a search on here as there are lots of posts with advice and experience re choosing a care home. And, of course, you can always start a thread asking for tips etc.

Someone suggested that when Mum moved into care I should buy a new phone with a different ringtone so it didn't trigger the same response. I went down the mobile phone route but can see its reasoning and it would be a good idea.

Supportive hugs, take care x

 

[Witzend]

It IS a form of torture. One of the reasons we finally decided my mother needed a care home - though not the only one since she was very bad by then - was the incessant phone calls to my brother. There would be as many as 35 in one hour and the strain was really beginning to affect his health.

During the first couple of weeks in the CH she would often ask staff to 'ring my son' and they would limit it to once or twice a day, often pretending to call but saying he was out or not answering. But to our intense relief she very soon forgot all about it.

 

[spuddle]

hi, yes i agree it is torture. one thing that helped me and mum. while she was on the phone (or if i had just seen her i left a note by the phone IN CAPITAL LETTERS)... I would ask her to write down that she has spoken to me (and the time) everything is fine and i will sort it all out next time i see her, dont worry, the phone is working... etc or something along those lines.
sometimes it worked, sometimes it didnt but it was always worth trying.
my sister lives in greece and she was also getting the calls, mams 1/4 phone bills were over £500..... scary.
good luck. just keep trying.. hopefully something will click x

 

[spuddle]

just another thought. like my mum she is probably not aware that she is constantly calling. initially i would tell her that she has just phoned about this and she wouldnt have a clue. no doubt each time she calls she thinks it is the first time she has spoken to you crazy but true

 

[missmarple]

I agree it is torture. Dad used to do it, sometimes ringing at midnight demanding to know when I was next visiting. I t only stopped when he got all day carers, and now he is too confused to remember my number or find it. I periodically shred all his bills and looking back on his BT bills over the last 3 years bought it all back to me. Up to 18 calls in a day (that was bad enough for me). In the end I did simply unplug the phone between dinner time and morning. No guilt for me. I'd had enough. But I know everyone's circumstances are different.
I have also taken two periods of unpaid leave (6 months in total) I regard that as having been essential in allowing me to manage. It allowed me bith to work out best care for him and get his affairs into some kind of order, and rescue my snaity (and therefore relationships with kids and husband). Good luck.

 

[Liz57]

Thank you for this. I have asked her to record her phone calls on a piece of paper but of course she forgets but maybe if I put stickers on the phone or something. You're right, she doesn't remember making any of the calls. Even when I played the answerphone messages back to her to prove she'd called six times in the ten minutes I was in a shop (and out of signal), she denied it saying that my phone must be faulty and she was going to complain to British Telecom that she was being charged for calls she didn't make!

 

[Witzend]

just another thought. like my mum she is probably not aware that she is constantly calling. initially i would tell her that she has just phoned about this and she wouldnt have a clue. no doubt each time she calls she thinks it is the first time she has spoken to you crazy but true

This was exactly the problem with my mother. Her short term memory was so bad that she would honestly have no idea she had already phoned that person umpteen times that day, and if you tried to tell her, she would just become angry/upset/both, and deny that she had done any such thing. So we stopped trying to tell her - it achieved nothing, except to upset her.

 

[Liz57]

This was exactly the problem with my mother. Her short term memory was so bad that she would honestly have no idea she had already phoned that person umpteen times that day, and if you tried to tell her, she would just become angry/upset/both, and deny that she had done any such thing. So we stopped trying to tell her - it achieved nothing, except to upset her.

I agree. After another session when I've simply gone out for fifteen minutes, Ive come back to 13 phone messages and when I've asked her what she wants, she said she hasn't touched the phone all day.

I took the day off one job to catch up on another. I've done none of it and have two choices: Give up my work, admit she's got the better of me and put the house on the market. Or give up entirely and leave her to her own devices. I've been physically sick today as a result of the stress.

I'm done with this.

 

[Tin]

Then switch your phone off tonight. Sounds like you are getting a hassle what ever you do, so try and have a good nights sleep, easier said than done, I know, but try.

 

[Witzend]

I agree. After another session when I've simply gone out for fifteen minutes, Ive come back to 13 phone messages and when I've asked her what she wants, she said she hasn't touched the phone all day.

I took the day off one job to catch up on another. I've done none of it and have two choices: Give up my work, admit she's got the better of me and put the house on the market. Or give up entirely and leave her to her own devices. I've been physically sick today as a result of the stress.

I'm done with this.

I honestly think you absolutely must switch your phone off for most of the day - you can't go on like this. Make a couple of short slots where she can ring, and that's it. Can you tell her, if necessary, that you're in meetings, or on a course or something, and you CANNOT answer? I know she won't remember, but when short term memory is already bad enough for this sort of situation, the good old 'love lies' can often be recycled over and over. I told the same appropriate fibs to my mother so many times - if they worked I did not hesitate at all to use them.

 

[Sweet]

It seems your mum can't help making the phone calls... Her anxiety, fear or insecurity getting the better of her.... Sounds like she desperately needs reassurance, which obviously you can't do every 5 minutes!

I'd gone throught similar with my mother, she would then ring paramedics in middle of the night....this was near the start of us, as a family, recognising her dementia....i also worked full time and didn't know what I was supposed to do!...give up work or what....the situation got out of hand....early morning, late nights...a very frightened mother who didn't want to be alone....a care home was the right solution, which has worked....maybe it could work for you mum.

Best wishes

 

[Liz57]

Urgent help needed

Sorry but I need urgent help and advice now. It's Saturday and the calls have started. Every four minutes and she's totally confused and bewildered. I think she needs urgent help of some sort. Do I call the out of hours doctor? Social Services? I can't go through the weekend without being able to leave a room without the phone ringing. It's every four minutes at the moment. Can somebody help please?

She's self funding so social services haven't been involved recently or at least not since they found out she'd be self funding

 

[Tin]

Call out of hours doctor, sounds like massive sundowning/anxiety.

 

[jen54]

I am lucky that I can drive over to mums-last night i got a very distressed mum calling me at 4pm saying hse was going to bed and had locked up -she was sounding very distressed and crying so I said I was coming over, I found her in bed sobbing - over dad, though it seemed as if hse thought he had died recently, as she was asking me things she had at that time and hadn't come up for months since but we chatted and I got her distracted till she forgot she was upset, wanting to go downstairs realising it wouldn't be good her going to bed at 6.30pm!! and I left her watching tv with a cuppa and snack- she had forgotten that she had even rang me by the time we were watching TV..I am left shattered!! she has started ringing more- sometimes needing reassurance when she has lost something, asking if I know where it is..I tend to try to make note of thigns whereabouts LOL or I say we will look when I am up tomorrow, she does seem to need someone to talk things out with, last week she rang late in the night asking if dad was with me..she had woken up form a nap and couldn't find a memory of his having died..I find I can distract her and talk her out of the confusion over the phone- if I cant I have to go up and get her back to feeling happier I dread it happening more and more tbh -

 

[Sweet]

I would call out of hours doctor..I did lots of times.. A social worker became involved... Organised respite care for her for a couple of weeks where there was space, we looked around for a care home...

Keep on at your doctor.. dont worry what he/she thinks .... Put pressure on to get help...otherwise you're in danger of going under yourself..
It's horrible ... My mum was 'making a nuisance' by calling ambulance too.. Put pressure on Dr for help.